Partner and ex wife

[dineyd]

I would be very grateful for any thoughts and advice as my head is in a mess right now.
I’ve been with my partner for 6 months and couldn’t be any happier. He is perfect for me in every way. We are both divorced - him for 7 years and me for 3 years.

He is close to his ex wife and her new husband and I do realise this is a good thing for the sake of his 2 children. I am also amicable with my ex husband but don’t spend time with him other than to speak when he drops off my 3 children.

Last night my partner said he has been invited to go on a week’s holiday with his ex wife, her husband and the kids. He wants to go as he will do anything to spend time with his kids and doesn’t want to not see them for a week.

I do understand his point of view but can’t help feeling upset at the thought of him going away with them for a week. I’m not entirely clear why? It just seems as though there are skewed boundaries here and it makes me feel as though he hasn’t moved on with his life.

Am I wrong to feel like this? Should I just be glad he wants to spend time with his kids? Any advice would be very much appreciated.

Very very difficult. One of the many reasons I am currently in the process of separating is the intense coparenting dynamic between my soon to be ex and his ex wife. I like you have a fairly distant but amicable arrangement with my ex husband, I couldn’t imagine going on holiday with him. I’m sure many posters will say this is great for the kids but I think the partner should get equal consideration.

Are you invited on this holiday?
Me and my exH are really good friends. The end of our marriage wasn’t in any way acrimonious, it was more of an organic end and we have remained friends. He helped me through a breakup recently!!
We could definitely go on holiday together, along with his partner and have a great time.

Are you invited? I think it would make more sense if you had been invited as well. It's a bit odd her new partner going but you not.

I'm torn. The relationship is new so it's understandable.

No I don't think you are wrong at all. It's a fairly new relationship so I don't think you have much of a say in it either to be honest - eg voicing your feelings 6 months into a relationship. You cannot expect him not out his dc first.

I think you just have to accept that this is how it is. It's great for his kids. But not for you at this point.

It's also not something that will change, that's just how his relationship is with his ex wife and it's a dynamic that clearly works for them but not for anyone on the outside.

You need to think about wether you can really cope with this long term.

HOWEVER - you may find you actually get on with his ex when the time comes to meet her. I'm friends with my husbands ex. I can go round for a cup of tea, she's lovely. She just had another baby and I brought a little gift round. We've done days out and things in the past. I also get on with her mum and her sister and I'd have absolutely no problem going to family events. I'd be welcomed and would be fine with it. So looking at it from they perspective - it can work!

When you and he arrange a holiday, will he expect to invite his ex wife and her new OH? Will she expect an invitation, being as she did it for him? Why can't he organise a holiday with the children (with or without you as it's still quite an early relationship) himself, rather than go on their holiday (which is what most people would do)? Does he expect to do this every year? Does he see how this might feel to you?

I'd need the answer to all these questions if I were you.

To those asking if op has been invited - the relationship is 6 months old. She maybe hasn't met the kids yet. And even if she has, its maybe too soon for a holiday together?

Also she has her own dc to think about.

From what she's said, op going on this holiday wouldn't be an option. She hasn't even said if she's met his dcs yet!

Thank you so much for all your replies. I’m relieved to know I am not completely out of order and it seems from the replies there’s not a straightforward answer to this.

No, I haven’t been invited but I haven’t met his kids yet so it wouldn’t be an option. He has met my 3 kids a few times.

Also to be fair the ex wife has been with her partner for a few years now whereas we have only been together 6 months.

I definitely need to chat more to him about this and intend to do so when I see him on Friday. I really don’t think I could cope with this happening every year.

He wants to go as he will do anything to spend time with his kids and doesn’t want to not see them for a week

If this is his reason then I would be cautious...I love my children but can cope with not seeing them for a week! After 7 years he should have adjusted to not seeing them for a short time. They can't be babies so must have had school trips etc.

But maybe, in time, you could be apart of it? Your relationship is just too new to be able to do so right now.

This doesn't seem to be a case where there's anything to feel insecure or nervous about. His ex has moved on and is happily married it seems. I'd assume from your post that her husband and your dp get on? I would hope the husband has no issues with your dp going on holiday.

I'm sorry but it looks like an ok setup to me - as in nothing for you to feel insecure about. But that's just me.

I am an ex and I get on with my ex H to the point that we've been abroad on holiday with our DD every year during covid. However, he now has a partner and if he and his new partner invited me on holiday, I would politely decline.
This is their family time. I see my DD 4 our of 7 days, so wouldn't feel the need to go.
I find it strange that his ex wife has asked. I find this really strange. He should go on holiday by himself with his daughter and invite you, if appropriate.

It's about respecting each others relationship and this is not happening here.