Professional single parents - anyone out there?

[teu]

Not sure if it’s a relationship post this one but I’m quite new to mumsnet and not sure on all the forums.

I had a middle class upbringing and work as a professional. I earn ok money and my ex earns significant money as a partner in a law firm. I don’t know many single mums and feel like I am being judged from every angle. I feel like people wonder how my ex would have left.. objectively decent, hard working, respected in his professional life etc… even though I am a professional too I just feel absolutely ostracised and judged as it seems so rare at work and among my friends etc.

I guess I just wanted to know if there were any other professional women out there in the same boat. I’m sure this sounds like a silly post but I feel so lonely, like I am the odd one out all the time. And I’m embarrassed my ‘well thought of’ ex has left me because he gets to walk away Scot free image wise…he’s not even told anyone about our baby, nobody know they exist in his world.

You are not alone OP. Single parent here of four children who live with me, legal professional now back full time in the workplace post- divorce, ex also a partner in a law firm on good money, no repercussions for him. Society judges women more harshly than men ime. Even my mother won’t speak to me! But I know this is better than being in an utterly miserable marriage.

It can happen to anyone
I wouldn't call myself a professional but I have a decent enough salary , my ex is a professional and I threw him out for alcoholism
I don't feel like I've been judged
I've met a fair few single mothers who are much more professional than me included a new friend I've made with a PHD

Thanks @Paris14eme I feel soooo rubbish about it all

@fedup078 what did/does your ex do?

I don't think it matters if you are a professional or what your husband does. Some people may think 'what's wrong with her' but really divorce is so ubiquitous do people really still judge people this way? My husband worked in a law firm and just as many people were divorced than married.

I completely agree that mums are judged way more harshly than men. I'm in a relatively professional role with a good salary and my ex is a civil servant but I had no choice but to throw him out for alcohol abuse and other abusive behaviours. It's me who's made out to be the bad one in the whole situation. Friends were supportive and some family but I know all of his side spit feathers at me.

@Paris14eme

Thats actually different from OP’s situation as she was the one left where as you choose to break up the marriage.

I remember someone posting here that they didn't know any other single mums until their child was in (I think) Y3 and then they found they knew lots. I found the same, broadly speaking. As DD has gone through school, I'm no longer the only single mum at the school gates anymore. Crass as it sounds, you won't be alone for long!

Yes, me! I totally get how you are feeling ExH and I work in law and education. Also I’m only nearly 40. Feel like no one I know is in the same boat. Ex was emotionally abusive and controlling, and has continued to be so post separation, but no one really knows that. Therapy is helping but it is hard. You aren’t alone though.

Single , professional mother of 3 🙋🏻‍♀️
No one judged me when he walked off .
And now I get great respect for having brought up the family solely on my own for the last ten years .

My situation was slightly different as I was widowed with 2 babies which I raised alone while working as a hospital doctor.
I didn’t encounter much judgment, but I wish there had been more consideration for what I was coping with. For example, I was always rostered to work in theatre until 5pm on Christmas Eve, when all my male colleagues had wives to help with the Christmas prep. And trying to deal with the kids while doing Sunday evening premed rounds on the wards, with no childcare available was a nightmare.

Yep, similar here. I am in a senior professional role. Ex-H walked out on us when my two were babies. Gaslighted me but it turns out he was having repeated affairs, has a gambling addicition and almost bankrupted us, and is now being investigated for criminal activity so has no contact at all with the children. They are 3.5 and 5 now.

The impact on them has been horrible because all of their friends are in nuclear families and they don't understand why they can't see him and they are now in therapy to help them process it.

I had to be investigated by SS to make sure I am protecting them from any contact with him. It has all been beyond stressful trying to do that and hold down a demanding full time role. But thank God I did keep my career or we'd be screwed.

We are very much an anomaly in my social circle and among my colleagues. However each year gets a little easier. It has been so difficult financially but if I can keep our heads above water just a little longer until youngest goes to school, we will be ok. I am SO glad the divorce is over.

Just remember that none of it is your fault and anybody judging you is not worth your time or headspace. You should be really proud of managing to do the jobs of two parents.

Oh similar situation here. I left my ex he was an alcoholic. I'm.a professional, teacher, early 50s. Single parent for 3 years , its tough! I know one other single mum. Funny I think it is still a stigma. I was shunned at my sons primary to some degree. Nothing unusual about it these days. We can form a club !

I also think it's appalling that lone parents (almost all mothers) are penalised financially in so many ways. I pay waaaay more tax than a family with two parents and the same income, even though they have two people to share work/ childcare between. My childcare costs are astronomical as nobody to do a share of it, yet no extra financial help with that.

Child benefit taken away based on single salary not household income, same thing for 30 free hours, same thing with all the tax free allowances and tax thresholds. Only 25% discount on Council Tax not 50%. Single adult households are penalised constantly when they need more help, not less, especially with children involved.

It makes my blood boil, as it's such blantant sex discrimination given that 90% of resident single parents are women.