The other woman is pregnant - have you been there?

[unhappy]

I have recently been told about this and am not looking for sympathy or to be told leave him you deserve better etc etc I would just love to talk to any of you out there who have been down this road and how you dealt with it. I have not been able to talk about this with anyone, my best friend does not appear to be my best friend anymore and I dont have a large circle of friends to discuss personal issues with. I would love for anyone who have been here to just give me some advice on how to get through without going completely mad - my dp and I have been together for 16 years and have 2 children - I dont want to lose our family life and lonely!!!!

macdoodle going through this right now. maybe she'll see this, or I suggest you go to her, on fab & glam thread in relationships.

s sorry you're going through this.xxx

oh poor you

How long has the affair been going on and are you sure it is over. I ask this becasue i am still trying to put my family life back together after my husbands affair. it is a long hard road to take and if you have just found out you are going through hell without the pregnancy issue.

Dont know you get over that as getting over the betryal of the affair is hard in itself.

Try not to focus on the ow and her baby if you and your h are going to make a go of your marriage and it is possible you need to get her out of your life as soon as possible. I know she will always be there if there is a baby but it is not the childs fault.

Dont worry about being angry as it is a good emotion to get out of the way early on - let it all out, have a scream and shout and cry and then try to concentrate on yourself.
Do take care and be kind to yourself - will be thinking of you and can only understand some of what you are going through but here for you if you need to talk.

am going through this too, but slightly different. my ex left in april and got someone pregnant in july, just as i was asking him to come back..
baby due in spring, i was suicidal and still have very black days when i dont want to talk to a soul.
my dh doesnt even want this baby, he says he is dreading it being born as he isnt ready for another child, but c'est la vie.

Hope youre ok, how long have you known about OW?
Have you kicked your dh out yet? (and if not, WHY not?)
I think you will have to let him go, he is not a great person for doing this to you, you cant stay with a tosser like that even if you do have kids.

sorry just reread your post about not wanting to be told to kick him out..

cant offer any more advice then, sorry. (it would be the only sane solution, surely??)

Hi unhappy. Sorry to hear about your predicament. I haven't personally been through this, but one of my best friends has. She hadn't been with her partner for as long as you've been with your DH (I think they'd been together 6 years at the time), and they didn't have any children together (but they were ttc). He had a brief affair - I think it lasted 2 months - and the other woman got pregnant. He was mortified, but he came clean with my friend straight away (she already knew about the affair) and told her there was no way he could turn his back on his child. My friend tried really hard to be forgiving and understanding, but in the end, it was too difficult. They separated around the time the baby was born, and although they tried a reconciliation when the baby was about 6 months old, my friend could never have gone on in a relationship where her DP's infidelity was rubbed in her nose every day. As her best friend, I tried to support my friend throughout the whole thing, but to be honest, my gut feeling was 'Dump the bastard' from the outset. It was really hard to try to be constructive and supportive when I felt like screaming 'He's an unfaithful BASTARD!'. It's hard for family and friends to be calm about this sorrt of thing when they can see their loved one has been shafted and is hurting.

My situation is not as simple as leave him/kick him out - thats why I didnt want people to tell me that it CANT happen. Perhaps I was wrong in posting this on Mumsnet perhaps I just need to phone a counsellor

Whatever happens, I hope that you won't be 'unhappy' for long.

I think it depend on how he deals with it. If you can get over the affair then that is a good start. A baby does complicate matters but does not mean that you cannot get back on track.
It is never as simple as just kicking him out - especially if you have children of your own together. Can you give us more details so that we can try to give better advice?

Would you mind telling us a bit more about why you can't leave him? Is it financial or other matters that stop you?
I ask because until you know the details it's hard not to want to shout "GO NOW!" - our initial reaction is to make you happier by getting you away from what's causing you pain.

Don't leave mn, it is a fantastically supportive and helpful place and there are people who will be along soon I'm sure who have survived this sort of thing.

I was in this situation many years ago but was slightly different. I didn't know my dh had been having an affair until his heavily pg mistress turned up on my doorstep and told me . I thought she was lying because there was no way he would have an affair with a woman who was pg with someone elses baby (he was very jealous etc). Then the penny dropped that he had been sleeping with her for almost a year and the baby was his. How stupid did I feel ?!

Sorry - I don't really have any advice for getting over it - I didn't - and we split up (and it was THE single best thing I have ever done) but you do have my sympathy - it must be a hideous time

If you both want to save your marriage, then I think counselling would perhaps be the best option

I'm so sorry. What is your dp saying about all of this?
One of my friends is 'the other woman and pregnant' and the bloke concerned is telling both women different things. Tells the wife he was tricked into conceiving (err, should have kept his willy at bay then) and tells the other woman he wants to leave the wife and they had been planning this baby for 2 years etc etc.
Bloody awful situation for both women to be honest.
Do you know what you want to do? If he stays will he leave her entirely? Will he want both women? He's going to have to support the child.
Whats he saying about all this?

unhappy, has he ended the affair or is it ongoing?

I have, but not while I had a child of my own, and a former relationship. It was a serious relationship, he was one of the big loves of my life, and he loved me passionately. But it was in the 80' / 90s, we worked in the arts, and it was normal for people to have 'understanding' and non-jealous (to a point ) open relationships.
But there was an understanding that he and I were the main item, and we mostly lived together - but he (and I ) had other relationships - friendships that sometimes turned sexual, occasional flings. One of his 'occasionally sexual friendships' resulted in her having a baby. I knew / know her.
To begin with i was wild, furious and jealous. Then it was a bit hostile - but then I came to really love the child. She lived with us for about a third of the time, we took her on hol, he would sometimes spend time alone with her, with her and her Mum, or with me. All v bohemian. I never wanted to do anything that would undermine his relationship with the child as I felt that she didn't deserve that.

Eventually we broke up. He has issues, and was always pushing me to prove that I didn't love him. "now look what i've done - now we'll see that you don't truly love me". I did love him, but his doubt that he could be loved was terribly destructive to him and abusive to me.

I still maintain contact with the child. Now grown up).

Could I have done that had i had a child of my own? I don't know. Maybe. I was free of the 'usual morals and judgements' at the time. Maybe I would have accommodated it because I had to - maybe it would have been easier to leave him since I had no dependency on him as co-parent, or feeling that I had to preserve a relationship for my own child with it's father.

Hi Unhappy (hope you will be able to change your name soon).

i won't go into the details because everyone is different but wanted to let you know a different perspective:

20 plus years ago my father had a child with "the OW". He and my mother are still together and happy. My brother is part of all of our lives and my mother cares for him and his children very much. Only you and your DP can work out what can work out. I think you are right that, while forums and friends can be useful, counselling is likely to be constructive. I think my mother suffered from not speaking to anyone about "the situation" for years. I would advise taking things a step at a time and ensuring you have your husband's commitment to whatever process you embark upon now. If you decide to make a go of things you may have to just brazen things out on a social level. People don't tend to ask many questions.

Good Luck.

Thanks for your replies everyone but I have realised that it was wrong of me to post this as I dont want to answer all the questoins being asked I just wanted to talk to someone who had been there - thanks again for your replies guess I will deal with it another way x

best of luck x

Hope you get the support you need and can find a positive way forward. Good luck

I know someone who was the 'other woman' and had a baby with the man who was cheating on his wife with her. When the baby was a couple of months old, the man disappeared. In desperation to find him, she went through one of his phone bills that came to the house (they had been living together), dialled a number that came up a lot on the bill, and it turned out to be his wife, who lived with their children in Ireland. She had genuinely had no idea that he was married or had another family; it was hugely traumatic for her. The wife didn't know about her either.