Mother in law pressuring us to announce pregnancy after multiple loss

[MargotChateau]

I’m 15 weeks pregnant after two losses, one early one later and multiple rounds of IVF.

MIL has been actively unsupportive through all of this, made some very nasty comments, but now I’m pregnant she wants to tell all her friends.

She knows we have told the very close friends who supported our fertility journey, but we aren’t telling wider family or friends because after two losses we don’t want people to know till after the 20 week scan, and even then it won’t be ‘broadcast’ we will just tell people we actually see.

MIL yesterday complained twice that her friends are announcing pregnancies of their future grandchildren and “ it’s not fair she can’t have her share of the congratulations”.

How do I get her to back off? I’m not comfortable announcing and the pressure is stressing me out as I know it will keep ramping up.

I would just stop speaking to her til 20 weeks/whenever you’re comfortable announcing. “Brenda, we’ve told you we won’t be announcing this and you keep pressing the issue. It’s deeply upsetting. Unless you can stop talking about this, you won’t hear from us until we’re ready to go public.”

Block/mute her number. Don’t answer the door. Fuck her.

Get your DP/DH to tell her in no uncertain terms! If she complains once more or tells others against your wishes, she gets precisely no more information as she is proving she cannot be trusted.

She’s making it all about herself which is appalling.

This is surely for your partner to deal with as it's his mother? He needs to tell her straight that she doesn't get to dictate when or if you announce your pregnancy and it is not her place to have anything to say about it.
If he isn't prepared to back you up on this, then you have a problem. Sorry.

You’re just going to have to close your ears to it and let it wash over you for the next 5 weeks. Have as little contact with her as possible.

Given her history of being “actively unsupportive” you shouldn’t have told her when you told others who have supported you through this journey, but I think you know that now.

I would ask DH to intervene. Clearly you do not need the stress so you should not approach her (and she does sound like a selfish drama queen!)
He needs to make it clear that this is very sensitive after everything you both have been through and she needs to respect your privacy and decision. She will in time get her 'congratulatory wishes' but until then you want it on the low down.

Its too late now but for the next thing like if you find out if it’s a girl or boy, don’t tell her.

When she later asks why refer to how she handled wanting to announce which proved you can’t trust her to respect your wishes.

Thank you for your replies. I was beginning to doubt if I was being unreasonable as she was throwing a strop that my and my partners closest friend each knows so why can’t she tell hers. The difference is ours know as they are our emotional support, and were during the previous losses.

Her telling her friends would just be for the congratulations and attention, which I know must be so tempting for a grandmother to be, but my mother isn’t putting any pressure and is instead being very empathetic. She understands that after previous losses and the pregnancy being high risk we can’t relax and feel secure this pregnancy will be our ‘Rainbow’.

The maternal granny isn’t getting anything extra than the paternal, my mother hasn’t told a soul as requested and hasn’t asked to tell anyone else. In fact my mother lives in another country so she will have to wait a good while before she can see baby once it’s born unlike the paternal granny.

MIL calls me out in front of the rest of the immediate family when she doesn’t get want she wants as she knows out of inbuilt politeness I won’t snap back, but any hints of what I could say that won’t cause ww3 but will get her to back off?

This is why I didn’t tell my mother or my MIL until after my 20 week scan after 6 miscarriages. Even though I was puffed up on steroids and waddling along I refused to tell them (or my work). Just stick to your guns and don’t interact with your MIL if she is being unkind like this (totally pathetic reason for her to put pressure on you - a grown woman jealous of others’ congratulations!)

What is your man's opinion here on his mother's awful behaviour?. Has he actually said anything to her about all this from her and if not why not?. Is he also afraid of "upsetting" her on some level?.

And you need to start laying down firm and consistently applied boundaries before you are further walked over. Whatever you do or say here will go down badly by her so you may as well be seen as the so called bad guy here.

Oh dear...why is this nasty person involved in ýour life at all? If my mum treated my pregnant wife like shit, I'd tell her to apologise and back off or to straight up fuck off permanently.

I think you might have a bigger problem than a shit mother in law. But you're in it now so you're just going to have to get tough. With her and possibly eith your partner too.

I'd tell her to sod off and mind her own business. Because if she is nasty then she shouldn't be in your life or your child's. Irregardless of blood.

My partner is aware his mother is a nuisance, he is pretty good with her on the whole he has improved a lot from being a pushover as he would do anything at the start to avoid her meltdowns and strops.

now he firmly tells her what is what, but it doesn’t stop her whining and strops, she constantly pushes and pushes. I’ve never actually met anyone like her before, all my previous boyfriends and ex fiancé I’ve gotten on with their parents like they were my own.

I’m going to reduce contact with her drastically but can’t remove it all together (unfortunately 😅)

She is more than just a mere nuisance, she is a toxic nightmare!. You would not have tolerated this from a friend and his mother is no different.

And you are well within your rights here to drop all contact with her going forward. If she cannot behave at all civilly to you then stop seeing her entirely. If your man wants to continue to have a relationship with his mother that is up to him but you do not have to. Reading Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward could help you.

It would be helpful for your man to read about fear, obligation and guilt when it comes to his mother. You have been fortunate that to date you have not come across someone as overbearing as his mother, your man clearly has not been so lucky. Where is his dad/your father in law here, is he still around?.

Tell her that if she continues, you'll have to stop telling HER things. She'll soon stop.

Why on earth have you Even told her in the first place, knowing she has been unsupportive?? Cant really complain if you've handed it to her on a plate knowing what she's like.

Reduce contact as much as you can and tell her nothing. It’s the only way she might learn.

Don’t tell her anything you wouldn’t be happy to become public knowledge. If she’s happy to stomp all over your boundaries she can’t be trusted to keep things private when asked.

@Mally100 I wish I could have, unfortunately when I’m pregnant I’m very obviously pregnant, all day vomiting so she noticed when we went to visit, that plus I didn’t drink alcohol. She isn’t one to quietly observe but politely not query it like a normal person.

Everyone else who kindly commented (thank you 😊), yes we will be pulling right back. We aren’t finding out the gender (sure this will tip off another meltdown that we aren’t finding out…) but any other details we will be keeping from her. We have also lied about the due date and have put it three weeks after our estimated due date, we are planning on not telling her until we are home and settled and won’t have any visitors for two weeks. I’m wary of setting off PND, as she has really caused issues during other losses. Feel like a right bitch doing it, but my mental health needs protecting.

My main issue is her now trying to push us to let her tell her friends (and broadcast to the world) before we hit 20 weeks.

Be firm, blunt and rude if you have to. She clearly doesn't respect you, so you have nothing to lose. Don't let her stress you out during the pregnancy and even after. Every comment, put her in her place. Every suggestion, shut it down. People like her just get worse so start placing boundaries now.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

How are these pressures put on you?

Text message? Don't reply, forward immediately on to dp

In person? Stop seeing her. You really don't need to spend time with someone who is unsupportive, selfish (making it all about her) and who undermines you in public.

Start as you mean to go on, if she can't treat the mother of her grandchild respectfully, she doesn't get to spend time with you and as a result her grandchild

Disengage. This is the tip of the iceberg- imagine just how awful she will be when your baby is here. Now is the time to grow a firm backbone and enforce strong boundaries.

It's not up to your MIL, it's about you and how you feel. I had a similar situation to you. My second pregnancy was very difficult and worrying and I didn't want many people knowing at all. This was made clear to my inlaws and I know they didn't get it/weren't happy. But it was during covid so I didn't see many people anyway. I actually kept the whole pregnancy quiet from most people until dd was born! Not typical but it's what I felt I wanted to do at the time.

YANBU at all, and I would let her strop. I would also have no problem telling her that she's just showing you that in the future you can't share this kind of information with her.