Struggling with lack of affection from DH 😩

[Theoriginalinvisiblewoman]

Anyone else living with a DH who struggles to show affection? We’ve been together for 15 years but it’s something I’ve always struggled with on and off during our relationship. Despite having many conversations about it with promises of making more effort to try and change this, he always reverts back to his ‘default setting’.

Over the past 2 years I’ve been making a lot of changes to myself after being unhappy for most of my life but never really knowing the reason why. It started with a 6 stone weight loss and fitness journey and culminated in a recent realisation that my DM is a covert narcissist, which explains why my relationship with her has always been difficult and why I’ve always had low self esteem, never felt loved or wanted and had chronic people pleasing issues (amongst other things). Through all of this I’ve also been realising how unfulfilled I am in my relationship with my DH. Whilst I do love him and neither of us are perfect, I am left struggling more than ever with his lack of affection, especially after realising how much this affected me growing up (my DM never showed me any affection).

I’ve had a tough time recently as I fell pregnant unexpectedly and had no choice but to have a termination as I was due for surgery that I couldn’t postpone (I wanted the baby and would have had it if circumstances had allowed). During this time my DH did make more of an effort and it felt like it brought us closer together. However, I had my surgery recently and since then, he’s defaulted back to his usual unaffectionate self, to the point where it has almost felt like he doesn’t even love me anymore. The surgery I’ve had was a big one, with full recovery taking a couple of months (I’ve had the same one twice, once since we’ve been together) and I’ve felt quite low since having it because of the pain I’m in and the inability to do much for a few weeks (plus I don’t cope well in the heat so that’s hot helping either). I also had my first period post termination a few days after my surgery and as I was on blood thinners, it was pretty horrific. In that time though, he’s just acted like I’ve not been through anything out of the ordinary! I’ve had no comfort from him, no get well wishes, no flowers, no chocolates, nothing to show he cares, he’s just plodded on as normal. When I tackled him about it, he just said he didn’t see why he needed to do any of that as he sees me everyday?

This has left me feeling like my relationship has no future anymore, I need to feel like I’m loved and wanted but I’m never going to get this from my DH am I?

Probably not. People generally don’t change.

OP this sounds similar to what my marriage was like. It didn't matter how much I pleaded, begged, cried, got angry - none of it 'stuck'. This included lack of affection - instead he would try and grab and paw at me when he wanted sex. No affection otherwise.

He is now my ex. I've since been seeing a lovely guy for over 3 years and he still can't keep his hands off me - with affection and tenderness a key part of our relationship.

You do not have to settle for 'just ok' - it took me a looooong time to realise that.

No. He is who is and after 15 years nothing will change. It sounds like you’ve never really what you needed from him but now realise how poorly the relationship is serving you.

When I’ve had surgery DH hasn’t bought me flowers or chocolates but he’s gone out of his way to make me feel comfortable and cherished and he’s taken over everything he could to make my life easier, and vice versa when he’s been ill. I think you’re looking for explicit signs of his care and concern because you don’t get anything day to day and he’s not doing those either.

I think you either have to love and accept him for who he is or leave. Love is not making someone into someone who you want, it's about accepting. He doesn't show you love in a way that registers with you, can you start looking for the other ways he shows you he loves you?

@Hhd1 Yes I think you’re right there… 😕

@Tiger2018 Yes, my DH does that too! 😣 He’s told me in the past that he equates sex with ‘love’ but that doesn’t happen much now anyway as his sex drive has taken a nosedive since changing his diet. Yes this is what I am coming to realise, how much I have just ‘settled’ for things all my life due to never feeling like I deserved any better. I’m glad you’ve found someone better now and are happy 😊

@AnneLovesGilbert I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there! I don’t need the flowers or the chocolates but it’s an easy way of showing somebody you care isn’t it, so that’s why I used those as an example. I’d much prefer your DH’s method of care but I don’t get that either, I’ve been doing things I shouldn’t be doing yet because of this. I started a task that I was in too much pain to finish and instead of finishing the whole thing, my DH just did the bits that benefited him 😩

@MaxOverTheMoon You make a very good point, I just don’t know how he does show me he loves me if I’m honest? I’ll have to sit and think about that one…

well isn't he a charmer. Having sex doesn't equal feeling loved. But you know this already. I've PMd you too

OP I am so sorry for everything you have been through

I wouldn’t bother with a man who showed no affection. I’m not the relationship type but when I’ve been in one, that’s half the point of it for me. Of course everyone is different and has different reasons for being in a relationship.

@EmmaH2022 Thank you ☺️ Yeah I wouldn’t either if I could turn back the clock! I agree wholeheartedly 💐

I'm afraid your mum (and mine too) set you up to be satisfied with a man that doesn't show love.

You've chosen - or been prepared to accept because you don't know better- someone who prioritises himself.

You need more, but didn't know you could ask for it.

I think you might want to reconsider your future.

Now, I like to joke about blaming parents for everything, but ...

this is really not relevant. Some people are affectionate, others seem to hate it. OP has to decide what to do now. There's obviously other issues at play to consider.

This was always an issue but you settled for him and you built a life with him anyway

He won’t change. So you put up with it, or leave.

This. My ex was very unaffectionate. It caused a lot of issues with us because it made me feel very unloved. Over time I just became resentful, it was the beginning of the end for us.

I am coming to the conclusion that you cannot change someone like this. My DW is very similar, although she also has slightly narcissistic tendencies. She does not need or crave affection and does not give out any to either my or either of our 2 children. She says she will try to change and make an effort, but like your DH just reverts back to type without making any effort.
We last had sex on 2nd June. Since that moment we have not even kissed as any advances from me are pushed away. I am 50 next year & not sure I can continue with this for another 10+ years

Do men like this fake affection to start with?

sidebar - so impressed by your weight loss, OP.

Exdh was like this.
They don't change.
I'm divorced and so incredibly happy with my now DP. We are cuddle monsters and live off physical affection. It's all I ever wanted. And it's all my dp has ever wanted. I look back and think how the fuck did I allow someone to keep affection to an absolute government bare minimum.
Make the change op. Your person is out there waiting.

Love the terms "cuddle monster" and the thing about a govt bare minimum! What is that, an elbow bump? 😂

Any update?

Sit him down and say " marriage counselling or divorce, you chose, becauseright now Im ready for walking".
Then walk if he blames it on the improvements you've made rather than accepting any blame.

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