Does this make me a bad/selfish parent?

[Angustiada]

Bit of background... Officially separated 2.5 years with two kids (11 and 7), kids live with me, see dad EOW and one night a week, and technically half the holidays (never happened though!). We've had a very difficult past year with us being forced to leave the family home (financial reasons) and their dad moving back into the family home with his new girlfriend. Kids met the GF after they'd been dating only 3 months and after knowing her 3 months, they were told she's having a baby too. So within 12 months of their dad meeting her, she's moved into our old family home and they will have a new baby brother. Throw into the mix that both kids are moving up to new schools in September...
My question... Holidays at meant to be split 50/50. Their dad has never managed this. Last summer he took one day off work. This year he's taking one week off, I'm covering 4 weeks and his mum (disabled) is having them one week. So, I've asked that he has them for October half term. Even if he does, this still won't mean he's had them for half the holidays. He's saying he can't. Baby is due in September and he'll be looking after a newborn. Now technically I could take the time off work, I have it left but I selfishly wanted a few days off to myself to go away with my boyfriend. I'm exhausted (work FT) and my BF has been amazingly supportive this past year and we could really do with some time just the two of us to do something nice and relaxing.
But does this make me selfish/ bad parent by asking their dad to have them in half term? He said if I insist he'll ask his mum to look after them so he can look after the baby but I'm worried my kids will feel even more pushed out. Both are struggling as it is with the idea of a new brother and with things at their dad's generally.
My feeling is I should take the time off and look after them but I was soooo looking forward to some time away 😔

Do they like being at their grandmothers? Can you sell it to them that they’re going there for a nice week rather than that dad said he couldn’t have them so that’s why they’re going there?

No, you're not being selfish, he's the selfish one.

I think you need to go back to the agreement and amend it. Don't let him get away with saying he has them 50/50 in holidays when he clearly doesn't.

I would ask him if the newborn now means he won't be seeing his kids? I really don't see why having a newborn would stop him having his older kids. And I doubt he'll be taking the half term off work to care for the newborn anyway, why would he?!

I would ask him what his plans are for handling all 3 children together going forwards.

Can you take the kids abroad with you and your boyfriend? I wouldn't want to push them on someone who doesn't want them, and they're at the age where they'd love a holiday wouldn't they?

No, they struggle with their granny. They love to her bits and she's amazing but she can't walk far at all and she can't drive so they get very bored

@SunnySideDeepDown we're taking the kids camping this summer for a week already. But yes, I agree, feel bad forcing them on him. He said he needs to be there to support his GF. I'd like to point out he worked away when we were together and had no issues leaving me to look after babies alone!

This with bells on.

I’d push for him to take on the care that firstly, he should be doing, and secondly he said he would do.

people will say just take the kids etc etc. You’re more than allowed to want their other parent to step up and parent equally.

He’s not having them for half the holidays so make sure you get the child support calculation changed to reflect that.

He’s being absolutely ridiculous and I feel very sorry for your DC. If he can’t handle his kids and a baby he shouldn’t have had a baby.

You can’t stop him from making his mum have them but they can refuse to go if they won’t be seeing him. What a loser, he should be embarrassed at admitting he won’t even attempt caring for all the children he’s chosen to have at the same time.

Well @AnneLovesGilbert I don't think he planned the baby! He's been moaning to everyone about it 😬.
But his argument is his partner will need his support with the baby therefore he won't have time to do stuff with our kids. I'm sure by then they can go out and just take baby with them... Swear it's what I used to do but it was a few years back...

You're not being selfish at all. However for your kids sake I think you have to take it on the chin this year - they've got a huge amount to deal with in a very short space of time and the last thing you want is to spoil your own holiday feeling guilty about them being bored at their nan's or rejected that their dad isn't bothered.

Make sure his CMS accurately reflects the time he's having them.

Should have used condoms then shouldn’t he. And he’s being a proper twat to her by complaining about it. It’s happening so he should support her and continue to parent his existing children properly. Like millions of parents, both mums and dads, do every day. I’m a step mum and we have a child together and my steps are quite a bit older. They didn’t cease to matter because we had DD and they love spending time with her and have from the day they met her.

I feel your pain, similar here and ultimately after years of trying to get him to get anywhere near the 5050 he professes to do, and pats himself on the back to all and sundry for, I just decided to accept it. It was getting to the point that my DC didn't feel welcome there, as the new GF was engineering them out so, I had to suck it up. He will be the one to suffer in the long term, the DC will see right through it in time. In short, you're not selfish, it is a lot to shoulder, but it's not forever and you will reap the rewards in terms of your relationship with your DC in the future, unlike him.

No, his excuse is feeble. He shouldn't be having another baby if he can't manage his time with the children he already has.

Your putting a request to amend the maintenance to reflect the care not being 50/50 might help focus his attention on his older children. He's a twat but you know that already.

I would point out that he either needs to arrange and pay for childcare or you will need the get child maintenance recalculated

You're not being selfish, he's the selfish one, but as it's such bad timing for the kids (with the new schools and new baby etc) personally I wouldn't push it. I know that's unfair, sorry.

Christ, I'd be raging. He's the selfish one. What does he think people with 3 kids did when their third was born? Tell him to grow up and start sticking to what he agreed and what he chose to do with his life isn't your problem. Personally I'd be pointing out that if he isn't capable of looking after 3 children at once then perhaps you should have them full-time and he can pay the extra maintenance.

I think for the sake of the kids I shall take the time off. As someone said above, they've had a shit year so I just need to suck it up.
As for extra maintenance, unfortunately I stand no chance. He's one of those sneaky self employed people... He's got court ordered maintenance in place for a year as part of the divorce (one it's signed off) which my solicitor fought for but after that it's back to his games...

Do you think he'd compromise and have them for a fri to Monday weekend so you could still go away for a long weekend and then have a few days off over HT?

And he evicted his children from their home?

What a prince.