One last try or Go it alone?

[Justanotherdobby]

Hi all, I've gotten some good advice on this forum before so I wondered if anyone might have some insight for me on this.

I'm 34, had one long term relationship which ended a few years ago and since then I've really struggled to find someone I'm compatible with. I have found OLD soul destroying (ghosting, negging etc) and whilst I have a pretty active social life, noone seems to approach me in real life. I'm at the point now of seriously considering starting IVF alone and becoming a single mother by choice. I had intended to give OLD until the end of the year but I'm wondering if I should just stop kidding myself that I'll find someone and start trying now. I have had a fertility MOT and I know I'm in a good position to go it alone from a biological standpoint but I wanted to hear from any women that might be in my position or have been in my position whether they had any regrets or advice about choosing that route?

@Justanotherdobby

Hi Op, I'm a single mother by choice (IVF and using a sperm donor)🙂

I'm totally happy and confident with my choice however it did take a few years to get to this point. I used open ID release donor (UK law stipulates that if you have treatment in the UK) and intend on being transparent with the circumstances of my son's conception as he grows up and using age appropriate books/storytelling.

I spent OLD between the ages of 36-38/39, even though I somehow managed to meet two nice men and have a brief relationship with them, out life goals and stages didn't align. Apart from that, the swiping, the dates, the never ending will it or won't it happen for me, the dread, anxiety and panic wore me down. I desperately wanted a family and to experience being a parent and no man was worth giving this experience up for. I'm so so glad I got off the merry-go-round of OLD.
I actually think in the future when I have time, energy and headspace to be intimate with someone again, I'd probably have to go back on the apps but this time I'll be looking for a completely different criteria, so I haven't totally given up on romance just on looking for someone to settle down with and start a family.

Do you mind me asking why did you choose to go down IVF route rather than IUI?

Hi @anthurium funnily enough I've seen your messages on this site before and wanted to message you but didn't know how! I'm going for IVF as my clinic said it was likely to be more successful than IUI. I actually had a miscarriage a last month after a very brief relationship so I know I can conceive and I was originally going to go with IUI but all the research seems to indicate its a waste of time. It might also be nice to have to option of freezing embryos.

I can really relate to what you've said re. the anxiety of not knowing whether it's going to happen. Part of me thinks even if I did somehow magically meet a decent guy I'd sabotage it because of how worried I am about leaving it too late ttc.

34 still seems young(ish) but my worry would be settling for the wrong man in desperation/panic (ignoring red flags or relaxing your boundaries etc).

I'm a single mum following a cheating exH and a really messy divorce. Going it alone would definitely be favourable to a lifetime of co-parenting with the wrong man! (For the DC as well as you!)

If I had my time again I’d seriously consider going it alone.

@drlel Yes this is my thinking too. I don't think I would ever actually settle as I've done that before and it made me painfully unhappy but I take your point.

@KangarooKenny Thank you for responding, is there anything in particular that makes you say that? Do you not consider the fact your children get to have a father in their lives a worthwhile trade off for the (presumably) strained relations with their father? Genuinely interested to get people's opinions on this as I am most worried about the impact not having a father might have on my children.

Hi OP. I did not choose to be a single parent. However, when I found out my ex had impregnated someone else too at the same time, month apart, I decided to go it alone. I know it’s not the same but I wanted to say I put all my energy into looking forward to my sons arrival, and he is now 24. We have always had an amazing relationship and he is such an inspiration and well abused. It’s hard to explain though, to your little one, when they want to know why there is no dad in the picture. His dad didn’t want to meet him which was heartbreaking.
I don’t regret having my son. He is such joy.

I would say, if you are mentally prepared, and if you have the family around to support you, yes you will need me time, and you have financial means then do it. Only you can decide

@Justanotherdobby

Donor Conception Network provides current research on experiences of donor children and the take home message is that children are not deprived by not having a "father", they need a consistent caregiver (s). Being transparent about their conception minimises potential identity issues/struggles as well as psychological maladjustments.

Look up: Susan Golombok is Professor of Family Research and Director of the Centre for Family Research at the University of Cambridge for her work on donor conceived children.

@anthurium Thank you for the suggestion, I'd actually been toying with paying for one of their workshops funnily enough. I think I'm almost certainly going to go for it, just trying to come to terms with giving up on the "traditional" family model I'd always assumed I'd have.

@Justanotherdobby

You're welcome 🙂.

That's one of the "hot" topics in the solo mum groups/communities/forums however the way I look at it is that realistically speaking would I rather be single and childless or single but with a child? You may meet someone in the future, you may blend families, you may have another child, there are quite a few different combinations that might be possible. Or you many remain single but happy in your own skin.

Another person who I like is Mel Johnson, from the Stork and I, she publishes podcasts on various topics re solo motherhood.

Now that my son is here I genuinely don't think about this topic as much, or rather I think about it in a different way: if someone worthy enough comes into our lives to enrich our family I may consider it but for now I need to protect my son from crappy relationships which I was quite happy to enter and sustain back in my childfree days.

@anthurium Yep you're completely right, I know I will never regret having a child whereas I regret 98% of the men I've met lol I guess the hopeless romantic in me still believes there's someone out there for me but as you quite rightly point out, I could meet that person once I've had my child.

Can I ask, before you did your IVF did you embark on any kind of special diet at all? Since the miscarriage I've been incredibly stressed and my diet hasn't been amazing but I've been taking all the supplements recommended in It starts with the egg. I'm wondering whether it's worth taking 3 months to clean up my diet to maximise my chances of having a successful cycle and improve my egg quality or whether my age is a bigger factor and its best to get started sooner rather than later?

I think you’re right to start thinking about going it alone, but you’re still quite young. Maybe not from a reproductive standpoint but in terms of finding a life partner - there’s still time to meet someone and have a child with them.

Would it be feasible to bank some eggs and some embryos made with donor sperm then store them for a few years just in case you meet someone in that time?

@MinorWomensWhiplash1 Thank you for your comment, that's a really good suggestion/point. I think for me personally, I've been ready for a child for a long time now and coming quite close to having one recently has made me yearn even more for that experience. The last few years have been quite difficult e.g. failed relationship, death in the family, bullying at work, moving several times etc and I don't honestly think I can put myself through OLD anymore, I seem to be quite a sensitive person and have to be honest with myself that I'm only truly attracted to unsuitable partners and I just would rather put my energy into being a mother than leaving myself open for more hurt/disappointment.

@Justanotherdobby

I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage, Op.

Re diet, no I didn't, nothing special, I took vitamin D and folic acid and ate "normal" food, cut out caffeine though so swapped it for caffeine free tea and coffee.

As far as I know, egg quality can't be "improved", as in there is no evidence -based diet/treatment that supports this notion; my consultant never mentioned anything about it apart from the supplements mentioned above. I know this is a controversial subject so you may come across posters claiming otherwise. As far as I understand, and as per my consultations, age is a determinant in egg quality however your genetics also play a part, though it isn't known by how much and how. Fertility is multifactorial and there is also luck involved.

Also, the quality of the sperm will impact fertilisation rates therefore sperm donors tend to be young, fit and healthy and only about 10% of the men who donate are selected to become sperm donors. Male infertility accounts for a third or so of fertility issues including miscarriages. There is much more that it still being researched when it comes to make factor infertility.

My only regret is that I wasn't able to do this any younger due to gynae issues; from deciding I was going to ttc took a year to be able to and then 4 cycles before getting a bfp. I was incredibly lucky.

I think that if you are able do it now. If the man meant for you is walking the earth he'll walk towards you regardless. But the baby train may have left the station before then.

And sadly many of the woman I cycled with who had apparently amazing fertility test results, struggled and didn't all get a baby.... You never know what will happen...

I've been thinking about all the well- wishers in my life who were adamant that I'd meet someone in time...the issue with this sort of 'prediction' is that nobody really knows whether you will or won't meet someone, get pregnant easily or not. It's not about whether you're young or old, it's about in my opinion timing and luck. Meaning, you need to be in the right place at the right time with this other person to make this happen.

I used to do the "baby calculator" on my dates: so 2 years getting to know each other, a year living together, 6 months of conversation re TTC? up to a year TTC... And then add that to my age (and assuming I conceive immediately) we were looking at 4 years from that day..and this was a very generous estimation....but we know life doesn't really work like that. There are many things that get in the way, delaying your journey or stopping it altogether. The problem with "give it 6 more months, a year, etc." is that there is no way of knowing whether these arbitrary deadlines will materialise into anything concrete. When you enter into this journey "solo", your child control when you begin treatment, which treatment, how many treatments if not successful on the first try, etc etc.

@LoneParent1 "If the man meant for you is walking the earth he'll walk towards you regardless." This is really lovely, I like this :-)

@anthurium Exactly. Even if I met my perfect person tomorrow, I'd want to take time I may not have to get to know them. People keep referring to friends of ours or people they know who met someone and got pregnant in under a year but all I can think of is how unlikely that is and also what a mistake that could end up being. I have form for going in at the deep end and missing red flags so I'd want to be cautious and take my time.

I am in the same position as you OP - have had fertility assessments too. You can see my most recent OLD expierence from my post a few days ago and I do not feel I can continue with online dating as this was another much in keeping with similar men my friends and I have met.

Please do not think its your 'picker' for unsuitable men.

PM me if you want to chat as I am at the beginning of the journey 35/F
I was wise enough at 33 to see the dating pool and realise the possibility of me being single at this age was high and refused to settle with an unsuitable partner - so attended for AMH etc. Kept faith I would maybe find someone but of course I didn't.

@Topcat9876 I was actually just having this conversation with a friend re. the dating pool. It says something that I'd rather stab myself several times a week and put myself through the stress of IVF then consider dating again!

Hi OP,
This is my first time posting. I couldn’t not reply to your thread as have been in a similar situation at age 32/33. Just to give an example where the timeline happened much faster!
I met my now-husband at work in August, started dating in December, quickly fell in love and just knew he was the one. Rearranged life plans to be together (I am not from the UK). Fell pregnant in April (planned). Engaged May, married September, had baby January! So about 1 year all up!
I hope you’ve had good luck no matter what you chose. Best wishes