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Relationships

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Which one do I pick!

25 replies

Mumnetter111 · 19/07/2022 12:11

Currently seeing 2 men.

Man 1 - childhood friend who I have known for over a decade. We dated for a bit during teenage years but have since remained good friends. On my part friends, to him has always been much more sexual. We have good friendly banter but can’t really have any of those deep conversations. I’ve always been able to rely on him and he is probably my longest friend. After we dated we had a sort of fwb situation but when I started to develop strong feelings for him, I then ended the sexual part and we have remained only friends since then despite his many flirty advances.
Man 2 - perfect. Everything I’ve ever wanted and I’ve never met anyone like him. He constantly showers me with compliments. He has never been with anyone else, very shy. We can talk about anything for hours and not get bored. However, I have noticed a few red flags. He can go weeks not messaging me and has previously ignored me for a few months. When I confronted him about this he said he was scared things were getting too serious and felt I didn’t like him back as much as he liked me. He has also been late too plans, changed last minute those sorts of minor things that Man 1 has never done.

its getting to the point where I can’t keep seeing both and need to make a decision on who I want to pursue a serious relationship with.

OP posts:
Mumnetter111 · 19/07/2022 12:12

Apologies for any spelling/grammar mistakes or parts that don’t make sense. Was written quickly on a lunch break!

OP posts:
somewhereovaryrainbow · 19/07/2022 12:13

Neither one. Onto the next!

Bbq1 · 19/07/2022 12:14

Neither, obviously.

Daisy4569 · 19/07/2022 12:14

Who do you think about first?
who are you most bothered about if you don’t hear from?
who would you miss most if they disappeared from your life?
Go with your gut instinct.

Mumnetter111 · 19/07/2022 12:24

Daisy4569 · 19/07/2022 12:14

Who do you think about first?
who are you most bothered about if you don’t hear from?
who would you miss most if they disappeared from your life?
Go with your gut instinct.

@Daisy4569 thank you, I’ll have to have a think about this one

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 19/07/2022 14:44

Man 2 has never been in a relationship before? (and/or had sex?) How old is he? And how old are you? I mean I'm nearly 50 and I certainly couldn't be arsed training someone through all the learning experience of being a decent partner but if you're both young I guess maybe give it a go. But he doesn't really sound that bothered if it's weeks between messages.

Man 1 sounds like a non starter. You had a thing, you ended a thing, now you've got a thing again? Why, what's different this time?

drlel · 19/07/2022 15:08

Man 1 you developed feelings for while you were fwb and ended it, even though he's always had feelings for you?

Tbh I think if you need to ask the question, neither is right.

I wouldn't even be talking to man 2 anymore if he'd ignored me for weeks and tried to spin it on me not being into him enough. Complete gas lighter. Even if he was the only man I was dating he'd be blocked....

Watchkeys · 19/07/2022 15:28

Neither. If one or other doesn't stand out a mile as the man you want, why would you choose either?

Watchkeys · 19/07/2022 15:29

And a red flag isn't something that makes you think perhaps you might maybe not be as keen as you were: it's a big screaming STOP sign. If you feel there are red flags, it's over.

Snowflakes1122 · 19/07/2022 15:36

If you are feeling unable to pick one, then I’d say that’s a clear sign neither are right for you.

Opentooffers · 19/07/2022 16:43

It doesn't have to ba a choice of either. Go for a different option as neither of these sound that great tbh.

Pinkdelight3 · 19/07/2022 16:56

From what you've put, it's not clear that either man wants - or is capable of pursuing - a serious relationship with you.

Man 2 says he's more into you but his actions don't back that up and he's not had any other serious relationships which is not a promising sign,

Man 1 was happy with fwb and still wants the sex as well as the friendship, but that's not the same as wanting to get serious. Presumably he'd have done so when you previously caught feelings and the fact you pulled back suggests he didn't feel the same.

If the only choice was one of these two, I'd go with Man 1 as at least you know him whereas Man 2 seems far from perfect and very much an unknown really.

But unless there's other info about Man 1 being a genuine good bet for a proper relationship and it's you who's been the one putting the kybosh on it so far, then I'd not say either of them were worth committing to. Sounds more like you're ready for a clean break and a fresh start with someone more promising.

frozendaisy · 19/07/2022 17:22

Stay friends, go gigs etc with man 1
Have sex with man 2 when he's around if you feel like it

Keep your eyes open for man 3

Catlover1970 · 19/07/2022 17:28

How can you say Man 2 is perfect and everything you’ve ever wanted when he ignores you for months?! Nothing perfect about him I’m afraid! I’d sack them both off - NEXT !!

Idontknowwhattothink · 19/07/2022 17:29

Man 1 is a maybe, Man 2 a definite no.

Summerslam · 19/07/2022 17:32

Man 2 is a loser, if he copes with life by ghosting you for months on end.

Man 1 sounds okay but to be honest, I agree with the others, ditch them both and start afresh with Man 3.

BeenThereBoughtTheTeeShirt · 19/07/2022 17:37

Are you shagging either or both?
Have either asked you for a commitment/exclusivity?
Do they know of each other?
Why can you not see both while waiting on Mr.Right?

DatingDinosaur · 19/07/2022 17:51

You mention red flags about Man 2 and he’s still a contender? I read somewhere on here that those niggles you ignore at the start of a relationship are the things that will split you up at the end.

Plus, that you’re wondering which one to pick at all makes me think neither are right for you.

Sounds like both bring different good things to the table and Man 1 sounds like he has the edge (perhaps you’re scared of playing push-me-pull-you with him again?) but, why do you have to choose?

Has one of them issued an ultimatum?

McConkeysPlate · 19/07/2022 17:55

You could choose neither?

Mumnetter111 · 19/07/2022 18:05

BeenThereBoughtTheTeeShirt · 19/07/2022 17:37

Are you shagging either or both?
Have either asked you for a commitment/exclusivity?
Do they know of each other?
Why can you not see both while waiting on Mr.Right?

@BeenThereBoughtTheTeeShirt
sleeping with man 2. Was amazing and I was happy to keep in that way but he told me he’d started to develop feelings for me which made me think that I would actually like more with him.
not sleeping with man 1 as I have been afraid it will go back to a him using me situation - although I know this was many years ago and we have remained friends with no sex since then, he is also a lot mature now and knows he wants something more serious. And I have said until we are officially in a relationship I will not be having any sexual activity with him which he is fine with.

OP posts:
Mumnetter111 · 19/07/2022 18:07

DatingDinosaur · 19/07/2022 17:51

You mention red flags about Man 2 and he’s still a contender? I read somewhere on here that those niggles you ignore at the start of a relationship are the things that will split you up at the end.

Plus, that you’re wondering which one to pick at all makes me think neither are right for you.

Sounds like both bring different good things to the table and Man 1 sounds like he has the edge (perhaps you’re scared of playing push-me-pull-you with him again?) but, why do you have to choose?

Has one of them issued an ultimatum?

@DatingDinosaur completely agree with your first point.
I just want to be in a serious commuted relationship. And with them both also wanting that. I’m at the point we’re I need to decide who I want to be with.

OP posts:
redbigbananafeet · 19/07/2022 18:08

Spend your energy on neither one of these men. If you want a partner explore one of the other million men that have non of these issues!

seaUrchinOne · 19/07/2022 18:10

Neither want a serious relationship, a lot of men seem to be like this. No need to stop seeing them but no need to feel bad looking for more.

Fere · 19/07/2022 18:28

neither, they have issues which each should work through on their own
it would be waste of your time and energy, and in fact stressful

DatingDinosaur · 19/07/2022 18:28

Man 1 you're only friends with and he doesn't do deep conversations (so not ready to commit) and Man 2 you have some doubts about (so not quite what you're looking for).

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