Having a crush while in a long term relationship. How to solve tis issue?

[Minkymoos]

We’ve been together for 5 years. Bought a house and got engaged 2 years ago. He’s loving and caring but I’m not physically attracted to my partner anymore. It’s been going on for a while now but it didn’t bother me too much until now. I met someone at the gym many months ago. We only used to chat there from time to time but since a while we’ve been exchanging messages. Not flirtatious type of messages but I can tell he likes me. He knows I’m not single and keeps his distance. Recently, I can’t stop thinking about him which makes me realise that there’s something very wrong in my current relationship. I want to make the right decision and not be I influenced by the way I feel about the gym crush.
I don’t know it’d be possible to bring the romantic side of my relationship back because at the moment I’m very torn and emotional. I’m bored in my relationship - my partner doesn’t want to do much in our free time and I’m always the one coming up with ideas. He usually participates but I can tell he doesn’t really enjoy it which puts me off and then I’d just rather go out with friends who actually want to do things with me.
Now we seem to be good friends who live together rather than partners.
We spoke about it and he’s devastated that I feel that way - he’s still very much attracted to me and by no means wants to end this relationship but neither do I. On the other hand I’m very worried that we won’t be able to overcome the issues. I’d like to settle and have children, husband but at the moment I don’t think he’s the right person.
I know that all my emotions are biased by the friendship with the guy from the gym and that’s why I can’t bring myself to work on my current relationship properly. Lack of physical attraction and the fact that my partner isn’t very active or willing to do stuff are main reasons why I’m not happy in this relationship but the fact that he doesn’t want to separate and that overall he’s a great, caring guy make it impossible for me to make a decision.
I feel utterly stuck and I plan on taking my time and hope for the confusion to pass - at least partly! We have a holiday coming up so I’m hoping that this trip will clarify some things. I feel bad for having some feeling towards this guy even though I’m not taking any other steps. But I just can’t help those feelings and worry that I won’t be able to let go of them!
My partner knows I see the guy sometimes but has no idea about all the rest.
Any advice on what to do in such a hopeless situation? 😫

I don't think you're in a hopeless situation. You're in a situation where you've got to make some choices and potentially feel some hard feelings.

If the roles were reversed and your partner didn't find you physically attractive, was bored in the relationship and had developed feelings for someone else, how would you like him to deal with it?

Yes, you've hopped on the escalator and ticked the boxes for moving in together and getting engaged, its a madness to stay on the escalator just so you can tick the wedding and babies boxes too.

I think @GreenManalishi has summed it up perfectly really.

What would you want him to do if he wasn’t attracted to you anymore and how would that make you feel? You’d probably want to leave like anyone else. You should leave because it isn’t working anymore, it’s clearly fizzled out. Don’t leave to jump in bed with the gym buddy, just leave because you have self worth and don’t want to waste anymore time with someone you no longer want to be with.

The gym guy is a fantasy .. you don’t really know him, you don’t know what he’s like in reality. You are projecting a lot of your unmet need onto him - like he’s a knight in shining armour (he isn’t). He’s not shown he sees you as anything other than “the woman at the gym”

All relationship go through ups and downs, there are times when we are really attracted to our partners, and times where not so much. It’s about whether you feel that you want to put the work in to repair your current relationship. I’ve been with my husband 20 years, and have been through this same scenario .. but at the end of day we loved each other, so we worked on it.

Gym guy is just a distraction

As you seem to know deep down, Gym Guy is just there to make you realise what's wrong with your relationship. It's not working and it's good to realise that before you get married and have DC with the wrong person. It's of course hard to make the decision, but it's pretty clear as you don't feel attracted to your DP and want such different things that it's not going to work out longer term (and isn't even working now). Gym Guy is a manifestation of that, so don't let him cloud the issue any further. Focus on sorting your relationship out, which probably means separating and selling the house, then starting over so you can both find the right partner. It's far from hopeless - it's more hopeful than settling down with the wrong person when you're only 5 years in and already fantasising about random men as an escape route.

The situation isn’t hopeless you just need to find a bit of courage to face up to reality.

Your relationship is dead. Don’t like things like a shared mortgage and an engagement ring cloud the situation. Otherwise you’ll find yourself 5 years from now, married with two kids, desperately unhappy i.e. heckuva lot more complicated.

You both deserve to be with someone who thinks you’re amazing.

I know that all my emotions are biased by the friendship with the guy from the gym and that’s why I can’t bring myself to work on my current relationship properly

Thinking this is why you're stuck.

The fact is that if your relationship was good, your emotions couldn't be biased by your feelings for someone else, so it's your lack of satisfaction that's causing you to be biased, not your bias that's causing your dissatisfaction.

Hey this is such a similar story to my own only I’m further down the line, not married but with children. Been together 10 years but I just feel nothing for him.

I developed a close friendship with a guy at work and it made me realise what I am
missing in my relationship.

I don’t want to be with this other guy and there has been nothing physical between us but it’s given me the realisation that I want to be on my own, I’d rather be on my own than in this relationship.

I just need to pull in my big girl pants and actually say the words, deal with whatever comes. I know I’ve not helped with your situation but wanted you to know your not alone.

Thank you for that!
I keep feeling bad for having some feelings for this guy but at the same time I do try to understand that it wouldn’t be happening if I was in a happy relationship right now.

Be honest with your partner. He deserves better .