I just can do without him

[tiv2020]

Together 21 years. Ever since having my daughter 20 months ago against my better judgement ( it was not possibile at the time to abort without telling him and he wanted to have a baby) i can hardly be in the same room with him. I dont consider him an equal partner in parenting and i dont want to deal with him.

I despise him for his utter lack of initiative
But on the other hand i have to be honest and admit i cannot be satisfied with any initiative he takes.

I am just coming to terms with the fact that i am the primary reason our marriage is failing and i just dont care. In his view, what has changed?
Why am i suddenly cold and distant?
To me my whole life has changed.
I am a mum and did not want to be and its taking all my energy. I can deal with being a mum, but not with him at the same time .
Its not that hes bad or abusive or anything. Hes just expendable, no support, no help, just there watching screens.
i could just as well do without him, and have things my own way.
Wi am happy to take the blame: i just cant be pleased whatever he does.

Thoughts, anyone?

I feel like that about my husband, but I don’t have a 20month baby.

is it worth speaking to anyone, just to check for depression, hormones, PND.Your post has a very fatalistic tone to it, which is unusual.

Most posters are in more of a quandary and often seek validation. You sound like you don’t really care, which could be depression?

Can you remember how you felt about him before pregnancy?

Have you told him how you feel? Have you split the chores, parenting and mental load 50/50 and given him the chance to step up?

I mean when I went back to work DH took over the meal planning, shopping and cooking and I left him to it and he became competent after a year (he had never cooked before and his favourite is beige food 🤮) then he eventually took over laundry duties- my clean clothes just turn up in my bedroom like magic.

If you have seriously done the above then I'd instigate a trial separation.

I can remember ... i got pregnant during the first covid wave and we had a tight lockdown over here.cooped up in the house for weeks
And i thought, oh i am so lucky i have a partner who does not get on my nerves.
Well that part is over now, definitely.

Is it the hormones? I really dont think so
Am i depressed? Depends on the definition i suppose. I definitely am unhappy.And i cannot see my path to being happy anytime soon, if ever

Happiness to me is free time and no one that depends on you
Have had zero of that the last 20 months and a clingy baby who cant be 3 steps away from me and not whine instead.

I think my husband was fine by me when we led separate lives and just shared TV in the evening and not much else
Parenting is a whole new level. I feel like i have to raise him to it first. But i am not his mother nor have i any interest to be.

@RandomMess no i havent told him.
I just pretty much stopped talking to him.
The load is 90% mine and he has not stepped up despite we both work from home.
He hasnt asked whats wrong though he cannot but be aware everything is wrong.

I went (alone) to counselling sessions about 4/5 times but i could not see any benefit. Perhaps it
just was not the right therapist
I understand i will have to try and patch things up before separating but really i have zero feeling towards him now. I cannot see any amount of therapy changing that.

You sound desperately fed up. I don't know that removing your dh from the equation will help that much.

You could be happier if you split. You get some time off from parenting and time to miss your little one while she’s with her dad. And you don’t have to deal with him either. Can you see yourself managing financially and practically as a lone parent?

Perhaps ask for a trial separation.

Him not pulling his weight I can well believe has killed your feelings for him.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I think it could be either tbh.

first of all I'd rule out hormonal changes/PND/depression, because this is a pretty big decision & you need to make sure you're doing it because it's genuinely how you feel and not a chemical imbalance making you feel like this.

then you need to give him the chance to be an equal partner. It sounds like he's not forceful or confident enough & you're not happy with anything he does do.

Dont think about it as giving him a chance, but if giving yourself a chance to have a family unit & your toddler too.

I can't imagine how hard it must be, to be a parent when it's not something you wanted or how much resentment you must feel towards him. That has to be very bad for your relationship.

do you have your DD in any childcare, are you back at work/do you want to be? You can be a good mum with her in childcare. I know you said she's clingy, but she will get used to it. She'll come to love having other kids to play with.

I did leave someone, after 10 years, who I'd come to feel I could do without. My first password change was to freetobeme. I honestly felt so free to be myself. He wasn't a bad person (and we didn't have a child). I just felt I wanted different things and he was irritating me.

It was great at first, but after a while I realised it was other stuff in my life that wasn't right and I missed him - but by this time I'd moved 10,000 miles away and admitting I was wrong seemed pathetic, so I didn't. I won't bite you with the rest, but it wasn't the right decision & I came to regret it. But even do, life moves on.

best of luck sorting things out