Thanks MNers!

[ThanksVipers]

I've never posted before. But I've lurked, a lot. I've read all the threads of what I now realise is awful abusive behaviour in relationships and 6 months ago, it finally clicked that I was in an abusive relationship too.

I realised that sexual contact while I'm asleep is not a compliment and is very much not okay.

I learned that having limited funds to my own earnings is not "just what couples do" and is financially abusive. As is having to ask for money for basic while he spends whatever he wants on whatever takes his fancy.

I learned that constant derogatory comments isn't "banter" it's verbal abuse.

That explosive rages are not normal responses to stress as well as hundreds of other red flags that I was just too conditioned to ignore.

It took much longer than it should have, but I finally got me and DD out. Thanks again to MN I knew that leaving is the most dangerous time and again MN were right!

I was threatened with a weapon in front of my daughter but we did it! We got out physically unharmed and I was also prepared for what was coming next: the begging and pleading and love bombing. Which I have successfully ignored for the past few months.

I must sound incredibly stupid to you all for not realising and getting out sooner, but without MN I would still be there. Still be terrified within my own home, waiting to see what mood he got home in or how drunk he was.

So thank you MN! Even if threads are fake or the advice doesn't appear to be appreciated to the Op, there is someone reading it and it might just save their life. I don't have many friends or family (I wonder why!) so I had no one close enough to tell me the life I was living was fucked up.

4 months on from leaving, DD and I are doing amazingly well. We have our own place, we are happy, we dance and sing and laugh and don't worry about waking him up or stressing him out or making too much noise or breaking whatever arbitrary rule he imposed that day.

We watch rubbish films and play board games where we both cheat to ridiculous degrees and eat snacks in the front room without worrying about crumbs.

In short, because this post could go on forever with all the things I put up with and all the things we do now without fear, we live.

And it's fucking amazing.

Thank you MN. You're my favourite kind of vipers.

I am super proud of myself for finally getting out. No humble bragging here, just pure bragging

And so you should be proud — brag away! What a brilliant happy ending for you and your daughter. It sounds like you’re thriving, and will continue to do so.

It's so good to see the joy and relief in your posts, ThanksVipers. It was MN who made me realise that what I was living with was abuse too. The physical stuff was obvious but not very often; the EA was all around me 24/7 and I couldn't see it because I had been trained to accept it.

Living my life without my ex and his family in it is the happiest time I've ever experienced. Good to see you have joined the club! 🤗

Love this post so much. Wishing you and your daughter a fabulous life.

Wonderful. You're amazing x

Well done @ThanksVipers . It's all your own work. x

What an incredible woman (and mum) you are OP, you should be so proud of what you've done for yourself and DD. And I completely agree with what you've said about the value of the advice posted here, I've learned so much on here and will always try to pass it on where I can. You and DD deserve every second of the freedom and happiness you now have, enjoy it

I think the point of my post, other than saying thank you, was that it isn't just the Op that reads your replies. For everyone one woman who posts about a relationship issue, there are 100s more reading it who might identify with the situation too. So even if the thread turns out to be a troll, or the Op doesn't come back or the Op ignores the advice given, your time hasn't been wasted. The Op may not have been grateful for it or needed it, but other women are and do need it.

This is so true - I too was one of those women!

You are very brave, OP - well done on getting yourself and your dd out! It's so depressing to read thread after thread about abusive men, by women who sound like they will never be able to take the leap that you have, and sometimes it feels like there's no point in posting. A thread like this is a little ray of sunshine!

Well done OP and keep enjoying your new life!

@ThanksVipers reading this post has made my day. Well done to you for getting out bad creating a better life with your DC. Here’s to a lifetime of happiness to you both.

That is very heartening to read OP, so glad you're out and free! Well done!

Thank you all again! You have no idea what it feels like to be praised for something after spending so long being maligned for existing.

@PritiPatelsMaker I think the biggest one is we are allowed to have emotions. He was the only one ever allowed to be upset or angry or tired or whatever. If we ever expressed any kind of emotion we were shot down. "Why are you happy over that? That's pathetic" "You think you're tired?!? Try living my life!" Etc etc.

Others are so small it's almost ridiculous. Like allowed to wear pyjamas for more than 5 minutes after waking up. Being allowed to change our minds on something. Like if we ever said something was our favourite then that was it for eternity. If we ever said "ohhh I love this book/film/song/food" it would be "But you said X was your favourite. How can this now be your favourite if X is? Why would you like about X being your favourite?" And on and on.

It's a hundred big and small every day decisions that I didn't even realise I was making until I was out of it.

We're allowed to be silly and immature and noisy and messy. My heart doesn't beat itself out of my chest when I hear the key in the lock. We're allowed to say no to things. We eat ice cream for breakfast (okay, only yesterday and today did we do that!) and have cereal for dinner and the world didn't fall off its axis.

We are allowed to be wrong and make mistakes and it's okay, we will fix it. And if we can't fix we will hide the evidence! We can apologise and not have it held against us for the rest of our lives.

Btw, I say "we" in this, but it was primarily me. It was was only the past few months, almost the same time I realised the relationship was abusive that he started doing these same behaviours to DD. Maybe that's why I realised then that it was abusive.

@Fairislefandango that's kind of why I posted. I still read the relationship threads and sometimes I can feel the frustration at giving the same advice to the same posters who post frequently and never change anything. And Jesus do I understand it, the not leaving. It took me embarrassingly long to understand the position I was in and then even longer to get out it. There is no judgement!

But I also get the frustration and the 'why do I bother' when you spend so much time advising someone and it's ignored. But it isn't ignored! Someone else who needs it is also reading it and absorbing it and processing it and putting on their big girl pants to put it into action. The time and advice isn't wasted here. It might be helping someone who wasn't brave enough to ask for it.

Oh God that was long and evangelical, sorry!

I just truly am grateful for everyone who spends their time advising women like me and sometimes feels that it isn't worth it or isn't making it difference.

It really really is. Just maybe not to who you intended.

This thread has made me so happy

This is the best thing I've heard all day! 😃

There is no judgement!

But I also get the frustration and the 'why do I bother' when you spend so much time advising someone and it's ignored.

I get that leaving is really hard. I don't get annoyed at the poster, I just wish they could see the situation as it really is. I just hate thinking of all these poor women not valuing themselves enough to see that they deserve better! And hate thinking of these arsehole men getting away with it! That's why I can't resist posting on those kinds of thread.

And sorry just realised it was @PetalParty I should have tagged in that previous post about freedoms, not @PritiPatelsMaker . Apologies!

I am so happy for you, OP. Well done. Yes, there are some mean comments on mn, but there seems to be a core of absolute gems that will give their time, knowledge and experience. I think they've done a lot of good.

What a lovely happy ending. Wishing you many happy times in your new home and new life!

And one day your story may well set someone else free!

You brag away love ! You are incredibly brave and stronger than you know

Better days are coming your way

🎉💐🎉

<3 to you and well done

Your post had me in tears. Wishing you so much happiness.

I totally understand what you’re talking about. I lurk more than I speak too, and I have learned so much from the incredibly wise and compassionate ladies here. There efforts never ever go to waste, please keep going!

P.S. Loved reading all of your new freedoms, brilliant!
He does sound so awful, made my stomach lurch and my head spin just reading that, I am sooo pleased you are free of him. Spend every day enjoying all of this to the max.

I have recently been through something similar and am amazed at all the simple basic things that feel so novel and new and exciting and luxurious! In a strange way, that is the silver lining, enjoying little things you may have never noticed before until those freedoms had been taken away.

It’s great on the other side isn’t it!
well done.

does your daughter see her father at all?

Reading your posts here has made me so happy and hopeful. Hopeful that others will read your story and realise they too can get out safely like you did, like I did many years ago.
Thank you for repeating that leaving ( and him knowing that) is the most dangerous time. Every woman should be aware of that and be aware there are steps you can take to get out safely.
Eat that ice cream and may you and your DD have many happy hours dancing in your pyjamas.