Surely this can't be normal? To still be obsessing over 10 years later?

[RepublicOfNarnia]

I have a very good friend and we've been friend's since secondary school. In her early 20s she met an older man who pretty much dazzled her but by all accounts they had a very tumultuous relationship which ended when he asked her to marry him then revoked the offer a week later and was suddenly to be found with a new woman.

At the time I spent weekend and after weekend with her crying it out and talking over the relationship. Over the years the subject of their relationship has come up but only briefly and in passing when discussing other things.

Now it's been around 12 years and over the weekend - so just yesterday, she was visibly distressed talking about the relationship. I knew him through her but haven't seen or heard from him since they broke up.

Surely it can't be normal for her to feel as though all this happened just yesterday when it's been over a decade and everyone's life looks completely different? I'm of course happy to listen to her but wonder at what point I ask her why she still harbours these feelings? Do things like this last forever? I will add that in that time she's had other relationships which she seemed to get over just fine.

Is she an emotional person? I wonder if she hasn't processed the trauma or had "closure".

Is this the only relationship where she has struggled to recover?

That is unusual. I had a breakdown of sorts after a man dumped me but I did get past it, it took a while to bounce back tbh but TEN YEARS 😵

@Fireflygal She's not particularly an emotional person, not more so than the average in my view but yes this is the first and only relationship she's ever struggled to get over. I just wonder why it consumes her still so much because there's a difference in her saying to me e.g. "Remember that bastard" and talking quite frankly about very specific details about things that happened back then which seem to still have a hold on her. I have suggested therapy but I wonder if this is something a therapist could even work on.

Google post-RELATIONSHIP stress disorder. It talks about how gaslighting and infidelity can lead to ptsd-like symptoms. Also if non-consensual sex ever happened during the relationship then complex-ptsd might be relevant. Was there a lot of drama and other people involved in the mess? They can add to the stress experienced, making it more profound.

I think we often have one love or a first love that meant more to us than all others. Or that scars that last longer because of how deep they ran.

So when we break up with one person or are gaming a tough time, our mind goes back to the time where we were hurt the most and our heart, to whom we loved the most.

So I don't think it's unusual at all.
You say she has dated since. So she has clearly moved on. But...maybe she idealises the past person more than she should. And it's possible that it may even still be impacting her relationship today. That would mean it has a problem.

But as is, all you know is that she is currently thinking about him again. That's not enough to think she is abnormal in any way. More likely, she is just having a moment of wistful, melancholy self endulgance, with someone who has been with her long enough to also remember her first love (and luckily for her, who can remind her, he was a wanker).

My ex partner still tries now after 6.5yrs. He says he never got closure..I wonder how long it will go on for. So yea I can see why she finds it hard, some people must take longer to get past things

My exbf from when we were 18 or 19 follows me and comments or likes my tweets incessantly. He's messaged me recently to apologise about his failings in our relationship. He was also the first to make a donation on my sponsor page for something I'm doing, within seconds of me mentioning it on SM. So yes I've got one who can't give up after more than 25 years... Maybe it's more common than you think? Would she think it over the top for you to suggest she speaks to someone about it? It doesn't sound like time is healing for her. Good luck!

Does it matter whether it's "normal"? She's suffering.

I think it's a bit risky talking in terms of what's 'normal'; what are you trying to say to her? 'You're not normal'? It's pretty disrespectful.

You can talk to her in terms of why she feels it's still affecting her, but leave off with the judgement.

wonder at what point I ask her why she still harbours these feelings

This conversation doesn't have to include any judgement from you. It doesn't have to be 'Are you aware that you're being weird?' It can be 'Why do you think this one relationship is still bothering you after so long?'

I'm surprised you haven't asked already.

It still hurts. She never healed from that trauma.

It's like having a physical injury. If you don't deal with it, take the steps needed to heal it, then it will always hurt.

The scar for her on this one clearly ran very very deep. She may never be able to talk about it without emotion. She may never truly recover. There is no normal.

@Watchkeys No of course I'm not planning on saying "you're not normal" or any variant of "pick yourself up". I've been her sounding board for years! I was just wondering if this is normal in the sense that have others seen or experienced anything like this before? I have asked her why after so long she said something along the lines of loving him so much but feeling like he hurt her so much. The proposal and revoking it really shook her core as I remember - but that's one thing in a long line of things. Because a few men have since come and gone and I've never heard a single thing about them again it's clear this one has a particular hold on her.

@BurrosTail I looked at this earlier and it does ring true in the sense of when she talks it's as if she's reliving the moment.

Is this something someone can reasonably go to therapy for? I did say upthread that I suggested therapy but thinking about it I'm not sure who - a relationship therapist? A trauma therapist or someone specialising in something else.

There are people who never get over a particular break up in their life, you must know that.

Actually no I don't @Watchkeys. To the extent that she feels it, is not something I've ever seen in any of my other friends. Of course there have been multiple breakups over the years even divorces (among other friends including myself) but nothing the way she feels after a decade.

Unresolved trauma doesn’t fade with time for a lot of people. It stays right in the present and when triggered it feels like it’s literally happening in that moment. Trauma based therapy could be the way forward but she does need to recognise there is a problem and want to work towards healing it.

I wasn't suggesting you knew people who'd gone through it, I was referring more to most people's wider awareness than their own particular experience. As you can see from the thread, many are aware of this kind of thing existing. You just haven't heard of it, but that doesn't mean it's unusual, and certainly not 'abnormal'.

I had a relationship that was on off from age 18 to 30. I think I got imprinted by him like a baby duck 😁 Or some kind of attachment thing anyway. I can see that my idea of him isn't reality and I'm in a happy LTR now but he lurks in my mind more than I'd admit to anyone in real life and it's been much longer than 10 years.

@Watchkeys Many people experience thoughts, visions or sounds that aren't real. That is an abnormal and unusual thing to experience regardless of the countless amount of people who also struggle with their mental health. Many women are treated like the help by their husbands. That is abnormal and unusual in what should be a happy and loving marriage. I understand what you are getting at - but I'm not starting the thread to judge her, on the contrary I've always given her the time to process but even after 5/6 years I began to think something was amiss let alone over a decade later. I've known her since we were in school - I'm not going to start judging her life choices now if I didn't the night she stayed out drinking cocktails before a job interview at 19.

@DragonflyNights Thank you! So what she should be looking into if we assumed she accepts there is a problem is trauma based therapy? And not necessarily a relationship counsellor? I did wonder if there's a therapist who specialises in this as it didn't seem to meet the requirements of a relationship counsellor iyswim? I did say she should speak to someone as it's living in say her 'present' mind day to day and not something in the past that just reappears every so often.

but I'm not starting the thread to judge her

Didn't know that. Good to hear. I wouldn't like a friend of mine wondering if I was 'normal' or not, but each to their own.

@Watchkeys Good thing you're not on Mumsnet then. Just yesterday there was a thread from a mother wondering if her toddler son's development was 'normal' because he can walk but can't use simple words to communicate his needs so just screams. Seems a lot of mothers seem to wonder if their kids are normal. Last I checked it spans from mothers checking if their babies right up to their adult dc are 'normal'. Hope you aren't a parent either as it'd be terrible for you to wonder if your own kids are 'normal'. On this Relationship's board there are quite a few women who ask if how their partners/husbands treat them is 'normal' because they feel it's certainly affecting them. I'm sure you would never dream of starting a thread on your partner if he/she was affecting the way you felt.

But as you said, each to their own.

Have my first ODFOD.

@Watchkeys Oooh thank you. I've seen that's also somehow considered 'normal' on MN - to be someone's first ODFOD. I'd like to thank you for sticking to the NORMS. God only knows what the abnornalist would post! Thank god for normality! xxx babe