I've been with my boyfriend for coming up to a year.
I can honestly say, I've never had a relationship like it. I grew up in an abusive family and didn't have a positive relationship with either parent. I've been NC with one for 10 years and the other died around the same time.
I've had short relationships over the years - nothing more than 6 months or so but have generally been single. Plus one LTR with a man who was also abusive. He'd been my best friend for about 8 years - We were inseperable but we just didn't fancy or love each other and we both just stuck with it because neither of us wanted to lose the friendship but we were not compatiblein any way for a relationship. In the 10 years since we split up, I've ended relationships by 6 months because the mask has slipped or they've crossed boundaries etc. I've had therapy. I'm OK on my own. I know that if this relationship broke down, I'd be sad but I'd be ok.
His background is very different.
He was married for 20+ years. That ended when she had an affair (I've met her, I know it's true). He dated a bit and then met someone else who he was with for 9 years. They drifted apart but she was a lovely woman - I knew her and they split up. We got together sometime after that.
I'm not an insecure or jealous person. So it's not that. I know he loves me. And the relationship is great. We never argue. Not because either of us is holding anything back but because we genuinely care about, and are considerate of, each other. We respect each other. We communicate openly and, tbh, we've not clashed on anything. He's kind, compassionate, supportive, loyal...
I think it just makes me sad that he has a lifetime of happiness and positive relationship experiences to reflect upon and I have nothing but pain and sadness.
We were scrolling through his fb yesterday (there's never anything or anyone he'd hide from me) and a memory came up of him and his ex a few years ago. Nothing was said and he just scrolled past but it did make me feel briefly a little sad.
I think it's because it was just such a nice, ordinary memory but was filled with love. And the days beforehand and the days afterwards would have been filled with similar. At that time, I know I was really struggling with my sense of self, self worth, self beliefs. And my days before and afterwards were filled with similar too.
Before him, I'd not known love. Or that feeling of safety and security; that feeling of being 'at home' that he says he feels with me. But he will have felt like that with his wife and his previous LTR.
Yesterday, I had a few feelings of inadequacy - how can I be what he says I am to him? How can I sustain this for years to come?
I can feel that, sometimes, old behaviour patterns emerge because I'm behaving as I was 'expected' to do in the past - that's my 'normal' I guess and it's hard to change those sometimes. I usually realise and can give an 'innocent' reason for it but inside I'm in turmoil.
He literally doesn't do anything wrong but sometimes my brain tells me I need to respond as though he is. Or I am. It's hard. Any thoughts?
Sorry its long!