How to cope being trapped in a marriage

[marriagedead2022]

My husband is a lazy horrible man who's actions throughout the years have caused me to resent and hate him.
But im stuck we have 3 kids and if i left they would be pushed into poverty.
I cant leave until youngest is 18 so 14 years.

How can i cope?

I'd be prepared to feel a bit different over time as the small child years fade away.

Therapy?

So the youngest is 4, do you work, if not can you get a job and improve your finances so that you can leave and not be in poverty?

I'm a carer to my disabled ds so no i don't work and no time soon due to ds.

Long past therapy i think

I’m sorry OP, definitely been there, I was trapped with an alcoholic, I don’t have any advice except try and be financially able to leave but I’m sorry if that’s not possible

Are you sure about the poverty situation? Get some advice and find out what you would be entitled to. It might not be as bad as you think and the real poverty you are suffering now would be wiped out.

I think you need to have a think about which is genuinely worse and more harmful for your children - living in poverty, or living with adults with a dysfunctional relationship.

As someone who grew up in relative poverty and with a toxic, useless mother, I can tell you right now that the lack of money and nice things didn't harm me in any way that mattered long term. Living with a horrendous, indifferent, mother who openly favoured one of her children over the other, and provided no meaningful parenting beyond the basics of food, clothing, and shelter, did.

In considering whether you do anything or not, please do take into account the damage you are most definitely causing your children. Is that ok?

Go and speak to citizens advice. Tell them your situation. You can't stay like this and anyway things do not change once the youngest is 18 they still need everything from us. Find a solution now do t waste your life.

You can leave. Don't ever doubt that.

Your children are school age. Choose an area where there is wrap around care. With benefits and child maintenance, you will survive.

Use the first few years to retrain in a job that will pay you a decent wage and that you enjoy.

Don't surrender your life so easily. Get some support from Women's Aid or elsewhere.

It's hard.

Sometimes staying is the lesser of 2 evils.

But make sure you are making a decision on the facts.

If you have a disabled child you will get more in benefits than a 'regular' unemployed person so go onto entitled to and see how much you would get with DLA and carers allowance and UC.

Also try to see a lawyer about how much you would get in a divorce.

If it's enough to buy somewhere small in a cheaper area outright that is probably your best option.

It is definitely possible to leave op.

I am sorry OP.

Have you been able to get external advice regarding your situation?

Sometimes there is a way that may not appear clear whilst in a situation that seem very overwhelming.

Are you suffering from domestic abuse?

I'm classed as living in poverty. 2dc, Single mum, housing association flat in a deprived area, get UC top up, free school meals, etc. No maintenance from useless ex.

We don't have holidays abroad, expensive clubs for the dc, or designer clothes. But, we wake up every day in a peaceful, calm home. There is no one here to sulk, rage, criticise or complain. Days out are fun and joyful, no dark presence spoiling the fun just because he can. Once the kids are in bed I can watch Netflix, read a book, do my hobbies or just have an early night. I cook whatever I want, go where I want and don't have to consult another person.

I just want to show you that life can still be amazing even when money is tight. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a worry though! If the fridge breaks, or car breaks down then it's a massive problem. But, there is a lot of help available here in the UK once you know where to look. And I'd take money worries all day over living with a cruel and selfish man that nearly broke me with his psychological torture methods.

Depends what your version of poverty is?

A friend recently left her husband, was housed and now takes home £34k a year (works 20hours and topped up with UC which pays the majority of her rent).

She's never been so well off.

Leave. You're wasting your life and damaging your kids.

How old is your youngest disabled dc? What is going to happen, ie what provision is being made now for when they start school? Presumably you will have to fight hard to get provision?

My ds is 7 so goes to school but due to his needs i often get called for various of reasons to pick him up at least once a week. Wrap around childcare is out of the question also.
If i left we would have nothing. My kids deserve a good life and im not going to rip that away especially when there is no abuse. We don't even argue anymore.

OP, what will you do if your husband decides to leave? Finds another woman or just decides he doesn't want the responsibility of a family any more?

What is your definition of poverty?.

Why do you assume you would have nothing if you left?. What is that based on, what your H has told you perhaps?. And if anyone should be leaving here it is he. Have you actually sought any legal advice to date re divorce?.

Another 14 months, let alone another 14 years of this dysfunctional relationship, will grind you down even more and worse of all the kids will go down with you. Your kids would rather see you happy and fully emotionally available to them than to remain in a home that is already broken by your so called husband. What you're describing here is a slow death by 1000 cuts.

Children are not stupid and they likely know far more about your marriage and its already dead state than either of you care to realise. They know you've both stopped arguing now and that is a further bad sign; it means sheer indifference to each other.

Is this really the relationship model you want to be showing them for them to potentially repeat in their own adult lives?. You two are providing their blueprint or frame of reference for relationships and this is no legacy to leave them. They pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken between you two as their parents, and they will not say "thanks mum" to you for doing this to them. They could also turn round and accuse you of putting him before them.

Op I'm in a similar situation and I left. Do you have a mortgage? Are you entitled to benefits?

I am absolutely not in poverty.

I can't work due to my DS. Does your son get DLA? Do you get carers allowance?

My universal credit, child benefit and maintenance (which your husband has to pay) means I can get by.

Give citizens advice a call or do a benefit calculator