I was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer 4 years ago…no cure but is manageable. I’m sometimes tired and have pain but generally I’m my old self that I was before diagnosis. It’s unpredictable so no idea whether I’ll live a long life or it will be cut short. I go to a cancer hospital every 6 weeks. My husband has had counselling and support around my diagnosis as have I. I lost my job as my employer wasn’t supportive of the appointments I need to attend so now work from home and earn much less so money can be a bit tight. We’ve been together 12 years, married 8. We are both 53.
My husband and me get on well but there is a drift. Our sex life has all but vanished. It did start dwindling before my diagnosis- it seemed like he couldn’t be bothered or was too tired. This last 3 years it’s been worse and we have probably been intimate twice in that time. I’ve got up close and done the usual thing you do to initiate being intimate together and he says he’s tired. We’ve talked about it umpteen times and he keeps saying it’s because he’s worried about me. I’ve told him that I’m fine and I want to still feel like that with him. We went away for a few days last autumn and I bough some nice underwear…I showed him and he made sexy suggestions for the holiday…needless to say I put on the underwear and he was tired! I’ve given up trying now as the knock backs make my self esteem plummet. He’s affectionate in other ways like a hug and peck of kisses but real intimacy has gone. I feel like I’m house sharing with my friend.
I had a feeling he was watching porn or looking at images and this morning I discovered that he has been subscribing to only fans. He subscribed to one woman twice for £11.98 each time for three times and another for £58 each time twice! We can’t afford this and it looks like it’s on a credit card. I’ve found this by accident as I used his iPad. His history was open on the internet and only fans was there. He even has a photo of himself on his profile on there!! I haven’t spoken to him about it as it’s like I’ve been snooping. I’m so confused. I still have a good figure and look after myself so what’s wrong with me?
I don’t know how to feel or what to think. I don’t know what to do! I feel a bit numb to be honest! Right now I think I’m feeling like it’s all my fault because of the cancer…it’s taken so much and now this. I know no one can answer for me but I needed to say it somewhere xxxx