I really really really don’t know I will survive this

[Feelinsfeak]

Pregnant from a newish relationship, he vanished the moment the positive test showed up. Ok contraception so didn’t even realise for 3 months having taken pill back to back.

I had an early termination years ago and couldn’t cope with it again I don’t think. I’m 34 now. I never ever ever ever ever wanted kids alone. Ever. I am fortune I have finances sorted mostly and my brother has a little boy, I have friends etc and some access to practical support but what I can’t cope with it seeing families everywhere and thinking fuck I will be on my own when they crawl or talk or draw a picture or want to walk in the sea. Emotionally I don’t know how to cope with this? It feels horribly lonely? It’s not the same sharing with grandparents or siblings etc because they’re your child.

i also can’t imagine ever having a relationship again because nobody will love my child like me and so it will never feel like a family unit. I am really struggling so much so that even choosing the pram and first bits of clothes nearly broke me. I don’t know how to cope with this.

I'm a single mum whose ex checked out emotionally fairly quickly.

The first word, smile, steps etc you don't need to share. They are just as special and precious to you without a man in tow.

The future relationship thing can be an issue but thousands manage to find new partners so it's obviously possible.

Make the right decision for you, good luck xx

Thanks @MintJulia i just worry I will automatically want to share it with my ex and he won’t care one jot. Is it lonely? I’m so scared of that. I have arranged help for first 6 weeks with 3x a week night nanny and 3x a week day support 9-3. I’ve no idea what I’m doing really

It's amazing what we cope with when push comes to shove, we're much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Have a chat with your midwife and lat her know your situation x

My mum remarried when I was 2years old and I’ve had the most perfect father in my stepdad for 30hours now.

congratulations on your pregnancy

I'm sorry this hasn't worked out the way you would have chosen. Your ex should take his share of responsibility. Neither of you planned this. He now has a child whether he finds the situation ideal or not.

Try not to think ahead and forecast doom and gloom. Someone might come along who adores your child. Two of my closest friends were raised by stepdads who appeared on the scene when they were babies. They both utterly adore their stepdads and are far less impressed with their real dads. I have family members in similar circumstances too. But right now that's not the priority.

You have made some great decisions on getting support. Call in family and friends too if you can, and keep your ex informed at each stage.

Plenty of amazing step dads who love and treat children as if they were their own.

Is there anyone you know who adores babies and who would like to help out, especially in the early days?

I have offered help to a couple of single Mum in the past and currently supporting my sister with her little baby. I also look after a couple of little girls who live opposite me, to give their Mum a break.

You won't feel lonely I promise. You will make lots of new Mum friends who are also struggling and wondering what the fuck has happened to their lives!

My 2 DC have the same birth father who has chosen to be estranged from them. They also have a step father who would move heaven and earth for them. I know which of these men is actually their dad and genetics have naff all to do wit it. You'll be just fine

If you think no man will love your kid as much as you, I have to disagree. I completely adore my step kids, and don't see them any different to my biological kids. I mean they're all a bloody nightmare, but love is about time spent together, not blood relationship.

Amazing that you're reading Mumsnet and writing replies and you're only 2. 😂

My DC have a step dad who loves them and they love. We share their achievements and worries excatly the same as we would if he was their bio dad (in fact moreso - if bio dad is a deadbeat like yours has proved to be, they are better off without them).

You will be fine. More than fine. You will build a lovely relationship with your child and will see that all the joys are just the same. Yes it might be hard at times being a single parent, but it isn't all hard work, and you still get the fun bits!

I've spent most of my 23 years of motherhood as a lone parent. I first became a single parent at 8 months pregnant. My son has never met his father. I had no idea either - I'd never held a baby until I had him! And I was homeless for the first 10 months to boot... no partner, no father, no family support, no friends. At the time I knew no one and had nothing. I used to look at my son and think, "I couldn't cope with this if it weren't for you." But, tbh, I've loved it.

Yes, there are times it would have been nice to share the utter amazement that your children are with someone who felt similarly but it doesn't matter. I've got no family support either so have done it mostly alone and the relationship I have with my children is incredible because of it. I met someone when my son was small who I had a 10 year relationship, and another child, with but that broke down 10 years ago and I've been on my own since (through choice) until I met someone last year.

To give you some perspective, in the middle of all this, I went to university and got a first class degree as a single parent and then went back and did an MA.

It's just been the most amazing adventure.

Is it lonely? A lot less lonely than trying to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be there.

I didn't have any help so I may have been too tired to notice being lonely, any spare second, I spent asleep. But no, there is so much to do and so many people are interested.

The first time I was lonely was when ds went to PGL aged 9. Then the house seemed awfully quiet.

I think you’ll feel differently when baby comes along. My DP and i didnt live together when our DC was born and so I did things on my own (with my wonderful parents support). However it was really overwhelming but once you get through first 6 weeks it gets better. I loved being alone with my baby such precious moments!

Great you have help, just take it day by day and whilst it feels overwhelming, know that that feeling wont last. Life moves on quickly with a baby, they change so fast but you get to know and understand them quickly. Its amazing what you can do when we need to. Also you only have baby and yourself to worry about. Congratulations being a mum is the best thing ever!

Pros. You can make all the decisions! What their name is, where you live, what they wear, where they go to school, how you spend the weekend, the values you instill in them, where you holiday, what you eat...everything!!!

Cons. You will have to do the full time 24/7 job of parenting unless arranging breaks for yourself via family, friends and nursery.

Don't chase him for contact. He knows, you've done your job. Enjoy your new life op. Having a baby as part of a couple could easily lead to a traumatic break up that affects you and the child and a nightmare of contact arrangements and worry. You've bypassed that. You're free together!

Sometimes stepdads are better than the real thing. (Obviously not always)

(I realise the pro part of my post contained some flippant silly things but I think I rather resented having to consult someone else on all those minor things regarding my dc. I bloody love being single but I'm still not free from having to consult even now)

You'd be amazed how many "loved up couples" are actually entirely separate behind closed doors after they have a baby. Anecdotally based on what close friends are willing to confess, about 50% of relationships have the father doing fuck all (never home, always on his phone etc) and the mother does 95% of all the baby related stuff. Not surprisingly, a number of couples split up abruptly when the baby is less than 2, another group end up waiting until the kids are older which is probably because they are easier to parent alone. Some women martyr themselves and simply doing everything alone to maintain the relationship. Eventually a number of marriages limp through the early years and do end up better again, but having kids in a relationship is absolutely no guarantee of a future with both parents. As many have said, a good stepparent is easily better than a crap biological one. The upside is that stepparents know what arrangement they are going into. Biological parents are often woefully unprepared for the dynamics of life with kids and at least 50% of those men will eventually be out of the picture anyway.