Why am I like this?

[hungupagain]

I display a pattern of behaviour that I desperately want to break, I am currently looking for a therapist but wondered if you clever mns can shed any light on why I'm like this...

Meet men I like, completely obsess over them (in my head), think about them every single minute, to the point I actually get on my own nerves! But the second they show interest in me, or the 'chase' is over, I'm completely repelled by them.

This stands for dates and even in longer term relationships, once the honey moon period is over, it's like a switch goes off in my head, and I start to find fault with them and can't tolerate any minor things and end up breaking it off.

Don't feel like I'm ever going to have healthy relationships.

It's the two things: Obsessing and switching off that I want to stop doing.

Anyone similar or know why?

For me it’s a case of being (emotionally) let down badly and hurt in the past so I’m constantly in self-protect mode which manifests as either obsessive unrequited (safe) crushes or, if there’s a chance the interest is reciprocated or I feel I’m “getting in too deep”, I lose interest or run away (manifests itself as blowing hot and cold) – because to follow it through feels too scary to allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable.

There’s also the possibility that I just haven’t met the right person yet and my emotional instinct is subconsciously assessing and vetting and re-evaluating what it is I actually am looking for in a man/relationship (it’s got fuck all to do with looks, job, status and even sexual chemistry, that much I can tell you).
I’m also wondering if (for me) there’s an element of control in there too.

Falling in love is similar to losing control (of your emotions) – I don’t look at Bob in the coffee shop and decide I’m going to fancy him, my feelings make that decision. All fine when it stays inside my head but if Bob from the coffee shop wandered over one day and asked if he could buy me a drink I’d be well out of my comfort zone but I’d chat for the duration, make up some lie about being in a relationship already, then never go in there again. I’d feel on top form because “a man fancies me” and somehow, in some bizarre way, it proves that I am attractive to men, so.. mission accomplished and I lose interest.. and on to the next mission. I can have all the heady feelings of attraction without the risk of being hurt and I’m in control of that, somehow. Yeah, I should probably unpick this with a therapist, lol.

Look up attachment theory

I was like this, and still am to an extent. It's hard.

No advice but you aren't alone.

I had a friend like this. She said she eventually realised it was a low self esteem thing. The minute they decided they liked her, she lost a kind of respect for them. As if they must be losers after all to want her.
She did manage to overcome it and has recently had her first child with her long term partner.
I can’t tell you if this is what’s going on with you, but could it be?

Google 'anxious attachment style'.

as other people have said could be attachment/intimacy issues

I have disorganised avoidant attachment and it comes across a bit like what you’re saying but I rarely fancy anyone and when I do it’s because they’re totally unavailable (emotionally, physically, someone id never actually want to date etc)

Maybe it’s all a self defence thing?