My First Relationship Has Ended

[MichaelHM11]

Hi,
I'm 38 and had my first real romantic relationship for about 2 months.
I only started dating in recent years and my lack of experience caused some problems which eventually ended the connection. she said she didn't want to "be the teacher of out relationship". Last time we talked, she said she needs time to figure out how she feels about me and that I should date other women and not talk with her. I guess it was just her way to say she doesn't want to see me anymore. It was about 2 weeks ago and last night I was week and send her a message to which she didn't replay...and know I feel even worse.
I know 2 months is so little time to be with someone but it's just so frustrating that it ended because of some stupid mistakes I made. I'm always preoccupied with what should I have done differently and if only I could go back to one month ago I could still be with her...
Every night end in tears, alcohol, self hate and sleeping pills.
Dating is so hard and after all these years that I found someone that likes me back it ended because of me.
She would never give it another chance, especially after my needy message last night.
The pain is just too much to bare and my life is a mess.
Just needed to vent I guess but still feel crappy

We’ve all been there when we first start dating. It takes time to build your resilience and right now it feels like the worst thing in the world. Doesn’t sound like this was meant to be. Hold your chin up, heal yourself and then onto the next!

It's just so hard letting go because after 50-60 dates that didn't amount to anything finally something happened. I guess it's sad to think about a 38 year old man who had his first sleep over at a girls house.
I still remember the feeling of waking up next to her, didn't want it to end...
But I was also nervous which she noticed.
I'm not the best at hiding my emotions and was a lot of times nervous that I would mess something up but that overthinking is what did all the problems.
In our last meeting we talked about our problems and I guess I seemed insecure and tried to convince her to give it another chance and that turned her off.
Going back to the dating apps is frustrating, another 60 dates before something meaningful happens