Is my mother unusual?

[JinCocktail]

I'm mid 40s and divorced, work full-time, shared custody of kids.

My dm has never been overly interested in me, quite detached for as long as I can remember tbh. I live an hour away from her, she's visited perhaps twice in the last decade, she invites me to visit her with dc once a year, she's fully capable and in her 70s, travels the world still.

I'm pretty sure the number of times she's visited me since I left home at 18 is less than ten.

Since divorce I met a new partner, he doesnt live with me but several years together. Dm has never met him, no interest in meeting him etc.

Is this relationship with her quite odd? She makes very little effort...I used to make a lot of effort, but I've made less effort as the years progress, as her disinterest is fairly obvious.

My DM is like that; if I hadn't made the effort to reach out, keep in touch, visited, I'd have had almost nothing from her since I moved out.

But my DM is a narc and after a lot of processing I can look back now and see that her parenting style was very detached and unhealthy. I'm NC with her now, for various reasons.

I think it's one of those things, that you can't force someone to show love or affection to you in any specific way. And you can't force people to love you. I think my DM loves me as far as she's capable of it, and I've been able to get to the point of being at peace with that, mostly.

The main thing is if you can be at peace with it. You can't change her.

Maybe her relationship with her mother was the same?

it’s not what I’d call usual but what is! Your mother sounds very detached but clearly that suits her. What was her upbringing like? Might that explain it? What was your childhood like?
Your life in the other hand sounds very normal!

I suppose there is no 'usual' but it doesn't sound nice if you'd like to feel closer to her.

My mum's similar to this and it has bugged and upset me my whole life!

My mother hasn't visited me in over 20 years. She didn't come to my wedding. She didn't come when DH was bedbound and sick. She didn't come when he died. She didn't attend his funeral. She has just cancelled another meet up we were due to have. I think it is safe to say she doesn't like me (despite the fact she claims she loves me and misses me). I think our mothers are unusual and it says more about them as mothers than us as daughters.

My DM was like this. It’s very hurtful.

Glad I'm not alone, although sorry others also have very detached mothers!

Perhaps she had a similar upbringing, not sure.

I agree you can't change someone, I find it odd though when people have close mothers, keen to be involved etc. Mine doesn't know my current address! My ex used to comment that a stranger would never have guessed she and I were related if they saw us together.

Did she go to boarding school?

Did she go to boarding school?

My DM is similar

I think on reflection that she has slight Aspergers like my DS.

It barely noticeable but it's there and the older DS gets the more I see similarities in them

Yes, similar. No real interest in my life, no guidance, no comment.

Since my son was born slightly more contact, but I consider that negative as she can on occasion be extremely abusive too.

Never been able to work it out. Maybe v slightly autistic. Maybe narcissistic. Maybe just shallow and selfish. Whatever the reason she’s caused lots of pain over the years.

I am only LC with her now. I don’t have further expectations (finally) of her. But it’s still a difficult thing for me. However I don’t try much anymore apart from basic pleasantries, so at least I save my own energy.

I’m awake in the middle of the night. About half the time I’m up in the night, the issue going round in my mind is my mum every time.
she very strongly favours one of her three children and since we all had children it’s painfully obvious because she helps them substantially but not the others. I find it really hard because I feel rejected but I also now have to deal with my children feeling the same way.
in my whole life she told me she loved me one time, which she did with great fanfare because someone suggested she should.
incidentally to someone mentioning boarding school, I went to boarding school myself. Another thing which breaks my heart and makes me think every day why she didn’t want me at home. I myself am a very warm and loving parent and tell my kids I love them all the time. I’ve made it my priority to give them a stable and loving home at which they will always be welcome and supported their whole lives
when I was a child I was under huge pressure to be academically successful but as a successful adult she shows no pride and no interest in my career at all.
she has no friends whatsoever. She’s lovely but has poor social skills and just seems like she can’t be bothered.

I really feel for you.
Not having your mum around when you have children of your own is heartbreaking enough, but more so when it's through choice.

It sounds like she's off doing her own thing which is odd really. My mum lives 3 hours away but I see her monthly for 4 days.

Yep in the same boat, I’ve gone as far as listing some of the things she’s done that has really let me down, in true narcissist fashion she ‘disagreed’ and can explain every reason why. I’m NC, offered for her to see the DC organised through DH but she’s declined (I’m glad about that as I only offered because I was pressured). I have 3 very young DC (2 are babies) and it’s incredibly tough as we have no support system.

In a nutshell it’s odd, I have friends who’s mum pretty does everything right down to their ironing, I often tell them how lucky they are, I have 1 DD, I hope we continue to have a close and loving relationship.

My DH's mother is extremely cold and detached OP and I find her behaviour quite sinister sometimes.

In recent years she's alienated DH from his adult daughter, undermined him several times to carry favour with DSD, took DSD's side on a very serious discipline issue during lockdown to make DH the bad guy.

She lives close to DSD, and DSD's relationship with DH is fractured as a result. When I told MIL I refuse to get in a room with DSD after an incident I along with 2 other people watched the smile stretch across her face. It's like she had a crazy obsession that is intended to hurt DH.

I've watched him beg and plead with his mother to stop with the mind games and assist him in role modelling the right behaviours to his child: every time it's been met with a total shut down of the conversation. This week my mother in law attended DSD's graduation that my DH wasn't invited to and plastered it al over social media.

The fact that she and his father haven't thought for one second to check in with DH and see how he feels about not being invited to his child's milestone event breaks my heart, it will be a cold day in hell before we invite them for Xmas again.

You've probably spent decades making all sorts of excuses but the bottom line that it will always comes back to is that she doesn't care about the obvious lack of a relationship. I had a terrible childhood but I couldn't bare my adult children to think I was uninterested. I am probably autistic but again I feel anguish at the thought of my children thinking they are not a massive part of my life and deeply important to me. Ultimately you can't force someone to feel anything. What you can do is face reality and make peace with how things are however that looks to you. For me my peace was severing the relationship, for others it's low contact. What is right for you is what works work you. And deep dive into learning about childhood trauma and unloving parents.

Peace and love

I'm very LC with my mother. She's not nasty, just not interested. She prefers my sibling, has a very close relationship with them. Recent events showed me exactly where I feature in her life priorities. I have taken a huge guilt free step back and a weight has lifted.

My DM is similar although she lives 10/15 mins away. She barely calls me and never really wants to do anything with me or the kids.

I used to think we had a close relationship she looked after my eldest two for a few years when I was working but I now realise that it was dependant on me visiting her all the time, in fairness as well it took me a long time to grow up and I was too dependant on her but she isolated us as children and made us like that.
I honestly don't think she is emotionally mature and is also terrible with money.

Weirdly my grandparents visited us/her all the time but prehaps that is part of the problem they infantised her they never pushed her to grow up.

What is frustrating us the one if my grandparents is still alive and she visits them nearly daily (they don't need daily visits they are still independent) and is always doing things with them, her favourite saying is they are 95 we don't know how long we have them for. I do feel like replying DD/DS is only little for a short while.

My sister and I talk about the pain her behavior causes us often and are just trying to learn to live with it.