I've stood up to MIL - should I back down?? Help!

[paolosgirl]

I've finally stopped being the dutiful DIL. We thought we had arranged to spend Christmas with the in-laws, and when I was on the phone to her yesterday, checked that it was still OK to come for xmas lunch, and then because they live nearly 2 hours away by car, I said that I thought it was better that we stay over on xmas night, and was that OK? Bear in mind they have 4 bedrooms.
Anyway, she said that it didn't really suit, and where would we all sleep. FIL and MIL sleep in seperate room as he is disabled, the 3rd bedroom is a study, and the 4th has 2 single beds. I said that we could bring campbeds for ds and dd, and bunk down wherever poss. as it was only for the one night. Anyway, still didn't suit her, so I said that it didn't suit us to do the return journey in one day, and that I would leave it with her, but we would expect to stay over if we were coming to theirs.
Even if she says it's OK, I'm not bloody well going now. This is the woman that took nearly 2 weeks to come and see DS when he was born (first grandchild) as she had promised to help with the teas at a church Guild fair, and shows no interest whatsoever in the kids or us at all. Should I back down and go for the day? Please reassure me that I'm doing the right thing by refusing to go....

i would say only go if you can stay there - unless the kids arent really bothered in which case i'dbe temped to stay home or go somewhere else. I'm having the same thing with us although i havent even dared to mention us staying over yet! If it wasnt for the fact that i want the kids to have a big family xmas and that its also dd's b'day on xmas day i wouldnt bother with any of them!! Why is it always us that has to chase after them???!!

is Dh with you on this? then i'd stick to your guns. she sounds as if she is being very difficult.

did the idea of going there for half a day and a night suit you quite well, ie not having to do the cooking etc? because if you're just as happy to stay at home, i suppose a compromise (if you could face it) would be if you could say, look, the kids really won't stand for 4 hrs in the car on xmas day, but if you wanted to do the drive you'd be welcome at ours.

I think if they say OK then she's conceding the point and you should go and act extremely gracefully

what does DH have to say about it

and yes you definitely did the right thing .. a 4 hour return trip on christmas day with 2 little ones is ridiculous

I'm with Twiglett. If she does concede the point then you probably should go (especially if dh feels caught in the middle). However, I appreciate the difficulty of inlaws as mine can't stand me and never bothered seeing my kids until they were weeks old. In fact they've never seen the dts. Their loss (and my happiness). If you really feel that you can't stomach Christmas day and night with them then offer the compromise of them coming to you. If they are happy to do 4 hours in the car then more power to them. Won't tell you what I would do, but it isn't gracious even though I wish I had the grace.

I agree with the others. You definately did the right thing standing up to her. I had the opposite problem a couple of years ago. Dh family all live very close but my parents are about an hour away and my two sisters were two and six hours away at the time. Dh and I decided that it was too much trying to see both families on xmas day and that as my family would only all be together on that day we would spend it there. We would also kip over so we could both relax and have a drink. Didn't go down too well to start with but this is third or fourth year that we will be doing this and mil now expects it and is happy to see us on boxing day instead. Don't blame you for feeling like you would rather not go at all but agree with twiglett that it might be better to meet 1/2 way if she agrees to let you stay.

Sorry but I'm a cow and I'd tell her to bog off.

No way on earth would I make a trip of even 2 hrs on Xmas day with kids. No chance.

I know, I'm evil.

Depends on how long she takes to let you know that it's OK. If longer than a week, then I'd say, sorry, thought you didn't want us and have made alternative arrangements. If she comes back quite quickly with a positive agreement, then I'd concede and go.

But I agree that you were right to make a stand. I can't understand anyone expecting you to make such a journey there and back on Christmas day.

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Once we had children DH & I agreed that it was parents turn to travel to us at xmas as we were now not mobile - has worked fine! - I think it would spoil your day to drag them away from pressies on xmas morning - could you have mil to yours?

My mil is a total nightmare and would love for her to say that it was inconvenient for us to stay over at Christmas, think yourself lucky that you can get out of going altogether and say that you have decided to spend Christmas at home with YOUR family. If your mil wants to come over then let her do the travelling.

yes, but it's not just the "old witch" is it? What sort of disability does FIL have, could he easily make the journey? I don't think, just because they have "4 bedrooms" they necessarily have room to put you up. Would it be feasible for MIL to move into the FIL's room for the night? If not, they only have 1 bedroom available, with 2 single beds. A lot of older people would baulk at the idea of guests sleeping on the floor.

If they can come to you instead, why not back down a wee bit, "play helpless" and ask very nicely if you could have some help with Christmas dinner- maybe they could bring the pudding? There is nothing a MIL likes more than to think her DIL needs her help!

Another good point is how does your dh feel? Will you be upsetting him by digging your heels in?

Thanks for all your support on this one. Dh knows what she's like (he'd already spoken to her about the sleepover, but she maintains she didn't know this was our plan), and is OK about not going. He suggested going to get them, but a)there is no way I'm going to let him drive a total of 8 hours over christmas/boxing day, and b)because FIL is in the advanced stages of Parkinsons, travelling to our is not really an option, as sitting cramped in a car for any length of time makes his muscles seize up.
I think I'm going to stand my ground, for the first time ever, on this one. If she can't go out of her way for one night in 365, then I'm afraid I'm not going to go out of mine. Gosh, I feel quite liberated!!!

Could you stay in a local hotel? A lot of the cheaper business type hotels do very cheap rooms over xmas - or b&b or something.
Eg Travelodge do rooms for a tenner a night here

good for you!!

I suppose we could stay in a hotel, but there aren't many where they are. Also - I don't know if we would get booked up now. Plus - I'm not sure that I feel like forking out, given the circumstances. That makes me sound vile, doesn't it - but I'm actually quite nice really! She has got me so riled. There is a lot more to it, but I won't bore you with my MIL rants.

Why should you stay in a hotel!? How joyless that would be for you all on Christmas night (unless a mega luxurious one that you would have to pay an arm and a leg for)?!
Also the thought of not drinking on Christmas Day would be unbearable (for me anyway..)
I think she sounds extremely selfish,if she can't put you up for one night of the year and if I were you I would stay home with my own family.

NO! dont go, shes obviously trying to be awkward and mil's(mine similar, caused many probs for us and now dont see her at all)should move heaven and earth to see grandchilren! so tell her were to stuff her turkey!

Pg - enjoy xmas at your home. You're being generous traveling & if mil can't be generous to put you up then don't go. You've offered to bring your own beds - perhaps tent in the garden would do it!! (only joking here). This is one night of the year that there should be room at the inn

you can all come here and squeeze into my little 3bed new build! some on sofa's some on floor, give it a great christmassy atmosphere and stay up when kids gone to bed drinking and chatting! so there, tell the 'lovely' woman, evena stranger would make room at this supposed 'family' time of year!

paolosgirl - stand your ground, u are not being unreasonable. One night, how awful or disruptive could it be for her? it is xmas afterall!

Paolosgirl, you are not being unreasonable, she is! Ffs, you're only asking to stay the night. On Christmas day. To avoid 4 hours driving with small children. HER grandchildren fgs! But if she backs down quickly I'd give in and go. I don't see how you can't if she does tbh (iyswim!)If she leaves it a while though, call and tell her you've decided to stay at home. Better still, get DH to call.

good for you paolosgirl - I stood up to my MIL twice in the past year (once being last boxing day when I broke with 12 years' tradition and said we were staying at home in our new house with the kids but they were welcome to come to us) and I have gained heaps of respect in return.

Stick to your guns.

Stay at home, if you can't face the journey, but don't turn this into a major issue and hold a grudge for ages. You don't say how old your MIL is, but she has a disabled husband, and not a lot of spare room. There may be any number of things that she's worried about, but not letting on...can they afford to feed your family for another meal and breakfast? maybe she's worried that the children will be noisy at night and disturb FIL? Maybe she's worried about bathroom accommodation, maybe FIL has the annoying habit of wandering around the house naked at night....who knows! I wouldn't automatically assume that she is being malicious and inhospitable deliberately.

Could you travel to see them for the day on Boxing day, instead? Or maybe you could meet somewhere for lunch halfway?