People who won’t take no for an answer

[Obsessedwithcoffeemugs]

How do you deal with people who won’t take no for an answer? The main issue I have is around food. I try almost everything I’m offered but I am fussy and I have allergies too. I’ve noticed that it’s getting to the point where all of my in laws are being pushy. I’ve had to politely say no thanks to eating things offered like chocolates or cake containing things that I’m allergic to. I’ve never had anaphylactic shock but I’ve become itchy etc.
I won’t go into detail too much but they have given me it anyway and just removed the bits that I'm allergic to… like they don’t understand that won’t work!

I once declined a chocolate at a wedding (different people) because it had nuts (I was polite and explained), they looked at me like absolute shit, and then proceeded to hold out the box until I took one. My husband wasn’t there that day as he wasn’t in the country but I felt so awkward. My brother and sister in law are the worst for being pushy. I’m wondering if they think I’m lying and just being fussy. Even so, I have the right to decline something if it’s not to my taste.

They are constantly offering drinks and food and snacks. I ended up with 2 different drinks yesterday at one time because they just keep forcing more stuff on us. I can’t relax around them and they expect us to spend time with them a couple of times per week. Once you get there you can’t leave, we spent 10 hours there yesterday. I try to be assertive with them and remain polite. Deep down I'm loosing my patience.

They are so pushy, if you try to make a move to go home they will question you about what plans do we have and why are we leaving, they even suggest sleeping over. I can’t explain to them that sometimes you just want to go home and unwind, I also hate sleeping at other peoples houses. I have no choice but to put up with them because they are my brother and sister in law.

I think you need to stop explaining why to them. It puts you in a weaker position. 'No' is enough on its own. If they push then you say 'no, thankyou' and walk away.

'No. I just don't want to' is also valid. Stop worrying about being polite to people who clearly don't care about being polite to you.

And just stop going if you don't want to. Your husband can go on his own if he likes. You're entitled to do whatever you like with your spare time.

I'd think twice about bringing kids into the if your inlaws are overbearing. Especially if your partner can't stand up to them for you.

I agree, stop being so polite. Just say “I’m not hungry/thirsty” and walk away or change the conversation.

I’ve actually been with my husband for 7 years. I’ve previously fallen out with B & S in law due to their personalities. I didn’t find them very respectful of me from day 1. I have recently given in and chosen to forgive their behaviour. They want to hang out or have coffee all the time, then we go to theirs too. The issue is we get stuck for hours which feels a bit much.

My husband and his brother are best friends and they work together. The wife has fallen out with a few people in the family due to the way she is but they can’t see that they do anything wrong. My husband was a bit upset a couple of times before because he said that our children wouldn’t grow up together and it would be awkward if we aren’t all friends. I’ve told him today that I’ve made friends with them for his sake but that I will be dialling down the visiting from now on. Even if it means I have to lie about having other plans.

We don’t have any children yet, but his family has said a few things in the past and he’s not stood up for me so we’ve argued about this before. We’ve not had any dramas in the past few years and im not the type to make him choose between me and his family. BUT he will never not be best friends with his brother… so I guess I’ve got no choice but to keep seeing them. I will just try to not be as available.

Definately get to a place where you feel you are comfortable (where you are respecting your boundaries and taking no shit and where your partner stands up for you 100%) before considering kids op.

Imo it doesn't bode well that he hasn't had your back in the past. I wouldn't want to raise kids in a family like this where I'm already feeling trapped and my partner is telling me our kids will grow up together so we need to spend tome with these people.

Fuck that.
Think I'd be suggesting moving away tbh.
Lifes too short to spend around wankers.

Practise saying no. If you have allergies, just say ‘No, I’m allergic’. If they insist, ask them if they want you to be ill and ask why they’re trying to insist. You need to get your Dh on board, I would hate to be at someone’s house for 10 hours, it would do my head in. Banging on about bringing up the kids together when you don’t even have any yet is weird. I like the ‘just say no’. You don’t need to explain or justify yourself.

You spent ten hours with them yesterday ? . I don't think I spend ten hours with my DB in a year.

Just stop going round so much, you and your DH don't need to be joined at the hip ... say you are doing something else (make it up if necessary) or take up a hobby on your own.

With the food/drink ... just accept it and leave it.

I totally get your frustration. It's so irritating and disrespectful. In the case of alcohol, some people think you can't have a good time without it. And some people are just ignorant and think you're being fussy. Some are offended that you aren't fawning over their chocolate cake, or irritated that you can (have to) say no to things when they can't.

A couple of years ago I was with a group of people who were big drinkers and wouldn't take no for an answer from me. I didn't drink as fast as them, plus I wanted to have water some of the time, not alcohol. Each time I said 'no thanks' they bought me a drink anyway. I didn't touch the drinks I hadn't asked for. At the end of the evening there must have been eight untouched, expensive drinks on the table. Each time I was asked why I hadn't touched them I just said 'I said I didn't want it', without apology or anger. They were all drunk and were quite open about the fact they thought I was weird, and rude not to have drunk their drinks. No consideration for how pushy and rude they were trying to force alcohol down my neck.

Sorry, needed to get that off my chest.

Your DH should be supporting you, a) when you refuse something he should stand by you and say something if his family are being pushy, and b) he should understand why you don't want to see much of them.

@layladomino I get the same with alcohol. The amount of time I have to spend explaining myself and refusing drinks it’s so frustrating

Oh this is so annoying, isn't it, OP.

It's perfectly ok for you to draw firm boundaries, but also wanted to add that maybe it will help you deal with it if you can laugh at it internally. Come up with an imaginary "pushy family" bingo card and mentally award yourself a little prize when they've achieved a full row. Anything that helps you cope....in addition to things like limiting visits and firmly turning down the stuff you don't want.

And if you have children and they happen to have allergies too, what do you think is likely to happen if they try to force things on them? If they won't take no from you, they certainly won't take it from a child.

Yeah closed answer 'no' should make it harder for them to manipulate you and you have a right to say no to foods.

I am diabetic on insulin and foods high in fat stop my insulin from working and this can lead to emegencies so I don't eat cake, alcohol, take away or anything processed and people tend to be understanding and not too pushy, especially with me not drinking alcohol.

Thank goodness.

So I especially sympathise with you here.

? Would a diagnosis help here? It may or may not but it could be worth seeking advice from an alergy specialist or a GP

OP,

They don't care about what you want or don't want, nor does your husband much either.

His family are awful and he wants to be around them a lot.

He doesn't have your back.

This is not a man to have children with.

Between lactose, nut, gluten, egg allergies, I have so many of them around me in my friends.

The idea of not respecting them and pushing something on a person that would potentially make them unwell is bizarre and not normal.

These are not people to be around.
This is not a family you want to be a part of.

I don’t know how to handle it though, of course I’m going to say no. He speaks up about my allergies etc. but last time I ate something I shouldn’t have as they kept going on. I kept declining but they wouldn’t stop insisting and then cut off the stuff I'm allergic to. Like I said I’m not deathly allergic but tbh I didn’t fancy what they were offering anyway it wasn’t my type of thing. I felt uncomfortable and he didn’t say anything. I asked him after why, he said that I need to stand up for myself and just keep saying no until they listen. I feel so stupid for just eating it, a sharp NO I’ve already told you NO would have been appropriate.

I understand this, the reason they are testing me is because they get a kick out of it and I’m clearly coming across as too polite. We have another friend and when they keep offering drinks every 2 minutes she turned around and said if I want another drink I’ll ask for one or go and get one you don’t need to keep checking. I thought that was a good response but she’s more outspoken than me. He did tell me years ago that his family for example mum/dad/sisters get will offended if I won’t take what they’ve offered.

I suppose it’s like they are giving a gift and I'm snubbing them. Sometimes I just don’t like what the food is so I decline and he says that they feel offended because in their country when someone comes to visit you lay out snacks/chocolates and they want us to eat and enjoy and if I don’t then they worry because I might be hungry or something. I literally told him to explain to his mum that I won’t go hungry while staying with her, we have our own food/snacks but I’m extremely fussy. It’s not because I’m being ungrateful.

The other day we went out and I didn’t fancy a dessert, it’s almost like they can’t accept it… are they obsessed with what I eat or something? I’m definitely going to just sit and repeat NO from now on but it makes me wonder. They pick at every little thing and I’m so sick of being a pushover. I don’t want to be loud and outspoken but people like this in life are leaving me with no choice. My mum raised me to be polite and kind to people I’ve carried it with me forever and all it’s caused me is people taking the piss our of my kindness.

I told my husband unfortunately for him I will be cutting back on spending time with them. Never really liked them to be honest. He sees his brother constantly anyway so I don’t see the issue. I don’t mind meeting every few weeks but I will only be staying a short time.

Another thing… how do you make the exit to go home? I don’t want to keep making up excuses but just wanting to go home is not acceptable so I will have to pre plan. If they invite a few of us round we end up staying all night. Then when I mention about leaving or getting up early next day they say for us to sleep over on the sofa. They physically can’t take no for an answer. Maybe I just want to go home because I’ve spent enough time here, I’ve got other things to do in my life and I don’t feel comfortable spending this much time at someone’s house who’s not even my friend or family.

The couple of times when I’ve said shall we head off now, they’ve literally asked my husband if he wants to leave! Then I feel bad like I’m ruining the night. So I always just wait for my husband to say shall we go, which he usually does at a reasonable time but last time we were at a bbq and ended up staying 10 hours. If this carries on I’ve told him I’m either going to fall out with them again like it was before OR I’m going to stop seeing them and it will be awkward. He needs to step up a bit, we will see what happens I suppose.

Stop visiting them.
They are bullys.

This is your life if you stay married to him.

Except if you have children it will get 10 times worse.

Them bullying you to get what they want, and your husband standing by not saying a word.

You have chosen a weak, selfish man from an awful family.

He certainly doesn't really love you, no matter what you tell yourself.

If he did he would tell his family to STFU and accept that your allergies can make you seriously unwell.

But he doesn't because he doesn't really care.

Any you want to have children with him?

Wake up OP or you will bitterly regret it.

Never judge a man on his words, judge him on his actions.

His actions scream that his family is his priority, certainly not you.

I wish you the best but I really can't spell it out any more clearly for you.

What nationality is he?

His family will always come before your needs.

He has made this clear to you. Its up to you if you continue this relationship.

If you have children it will be much worse, so think about this.

My mum use to say to me and my siblings "what part of No are you struggling to understand" 🤣

You really need to take that one as use it!

That is something I have said to my children.
It works!

They are so pushy, if you try to make a move to go home they will question you about what plans do we have and why are we leaving, they even suggest sleeping over. I can’t explain to them that sometimes you just want to go home and unwind, I also hate sleeping at other peoples houses. I have no choice but to put up with them because they are my brother and sister in law

You do have a choice, but at the moment you're struggling because you want top keep everything peaceful, everyone happy, when they clearly are not showing the same manners or care for what you want.

You have to be prepared that there may be no easy way out of this. If you say no to pushy people or bullies, they're not exactly going to turn around and sat 'Oh yeah, we do behave like assholes to you, sorry about that'. Some of them might, but it's rarer because these types don't have much empathy to begin with. That's why they're pushy - what they want matters more than what you want. You have to be prepared that they'll try to make you out as the problem, that they might bad-mouth you to others for asserting yourself or make you feel guilty, or that you will feel awkward or unwelcome when you're next around them.

When you're prepared for that, then you will be in a better place to say no and stick with it.

I’m definitely going to just sit and repeat NO from now on but it makes me wonder. They pick at every little thing and I’m so sick of being a pushover

Good.

Sometimes I just don’t like what the food is so I decline and he says that they feel offended because in their country when someone comes to visit you lay out snacks/chocolates and they want us to eat and enjoy and if I don’t then they worry because I might be hungry or something

That you might be hungry or something??? This is such bullshit. They are being bad hosts, and they're rude. Hosts shouldn't make their guests feel uncomfortable, which they clearly know they are doing.

Another thing… how do you make the exit to go home?

Simple - you say 'Right, I think it's been lovely seeing you, but it's home time for me now'. If they ask 'BUT WHY' - you don't have to give reasons. Just say that it's home time and thank them for having you. Don't enter into an argument with them - they shouldn't feel like they have their foot in the door to make an argument. I'm glad you've made your mind up not to visit them as often - sometimes creating a distance is the only effective way to deal with this scenario.

They want to hang out or have coffee all the time, then we go to theirs too. The issue is we get stuck for hours which feels a bit much

Jesus - this sounds so claustrophobic and overbearing. I don't think behave like this out of affection and love. Sounds stifling and controlling.

May I ask - have you ever felt like your husband is controlling or wants to know where you are? I hope your in-laws aren't behaving like this because they feel it's their duty to keep an eye on you.

Why don't you stay home and let him go on his own? This all sounds too suffocating.

Thank you everyone, such helpful replies I appreciate them. The funny thing is my husband is the youngest and is nothing like this… he’s so easy going and isn’t pushy at all. Not controlling or anything, I think being the youngest has meant that his older brothers have been a bit controlling of him. The main issue in the family is my brother in laws wife. I feel that since he met her, he has become just like her. She is a very difficult woman and is so rude and to the point. She feels threatened by other women and at some point or another has fallen out with every woman in the family (she doesn’t know that I know the history).

She’s also fallen out permanently with our cousin & wife, and my husband’s older brother. She has said to me years ago that I will never come between them, and my husband will always choose them. She made sure to say this while I was alone with her (I thought it was a bit weird but then I realised she is jealous of every woman who enters the family). For reference we all used to house share for a while (was a nightmare and we rarely even spoke to each other). I’ve really struggled with her and my BIL as I always felt that they nit picked at me.

I’ve decided to try and be friends in the last year like they so desperately want and I thought for a split second their behaviour had changed. It clearly hasn’t and never will. It’s exhausting being around them sometimes. My issue is my husband hasn’t caused an issue on the occasions when they’ve upset me because most of the time he wasn’t there when things were said. Other times, I suppose he finds it hard to stand up to the older brother. I told him today that I am his wife and priority and he agreed with me. I do in my heart feel that I will be dealing with this drama for the rest of our marriage but what choice do I have? He’s my husband and I married him for a reason. Of course he needs to stand up to them which is non negotiable going forward but I can’t cut them off… it would make me look like I’ve split the family up wouldn’t it.

If it was a cousin it might be different but its his brother/best friend. I’ve said so many times before when I stopped seeing them that I can’t be splitting the family up if he still sees his brother every say can I? I just don’t want to see them. I gave in, and gave them a chance. I don’t know if cutting them off would be a big issue for the rest of the family.

They are treating you both like children. Don't go there anymore