Is this a lost cause, or should I plough on?

[SpringIntoChaos]

Long story, short:

Met a chap on OLD in March. The 'theory' matched up...similar age and stage, same profession etc. Both late 50s (relevant).

Chatted a couple of weeks online then met up. All good so far.

Lots of nice dates followed...walks, lunches, dinners, cinema, couple of concerts.

Been to each other's houses, met friends and family members.

However...he's seemingly not interested in intimacy...and I'm finding this strange. I've even stayed over several times IN THE SAME BED...but nothing! There's not even passionate kissing...just a very chaste kiss at the end of each date. Same when I slept over...just a brief cuddle and a peck on the lips then sleep!

I've asked about, and he's said there's no rush...but I'm honestly at a loss now as to how to proceed. He takes a lot of medication for various conditions, but is (despite this) very fit and active, plays sport etc.

It's got to the point now where it's awkward for me...nearly 5 months in, and not even a passionate kiss? I've never experienced this before.

Thoughts? I'm struggling to know what to do...he's a nice man, but I need passion and intimacy - feels like I've got the 'friend withOUT the benefits' 🤦‍♀️

Wow that does sound unusual! I think the only way is to be brave and broach the subject, I mean ok there’s no rush but when might he feel ready because you are?

I suspect he has ED issues, so he's not even kissing you and risking moving things in that direction. It's a shame if he has, but he needs to address that with you and not make excuses like 'there's no rush'. Wanting to have sex with your romantic partner is a reasonable expectation to have and you need to know if this can be a sexual relationship or not.

If it is ED then I think he's actually being quite manipulative letting things go along like this for 5 months. He's probably hoping you'll develop feelings for him and will overlook it!

And of course sex doesn't have to mean PIV, so if he does have erectile problems and he does want a romantic relationship with you then he should be up for discussing alternatives!

Thank you both. I hadn’t thought of ED but actually that would make sense/explain the reluctance, wouldn’t it?

He does take a lot of medication as I said, so with that and his age (59) I guess he may not be able to do much in the bedroom 😢 There’s not even any kind of romantic/intimate gestures though - no physical touch at all really, apart from holding hands when we are out. He has 3 adult children so he’s clearly had a sex life in the past.

Think I may have to cut my losses here. I know ‘sex isn’t everything’ and if I’d been in a long and intimate relationship with someone who subsequently was unable to have sex, it would be different of course. But this isn’t that situation, and I’m definitely not wanting to start out in a non-sexual relationship from the get-go ☹️

What a difficult and perplexing situation .
I agree , that unless you can have a frank discussion, then I would also have to call
it a day.
I also wouldn’t be able to entirely exclude that element of a relationship (tho it might
suit some )

Naah, he’s got issues - if he’s like this now, it’s not going to get any better. I would cut my losses if you want to retain your self esteem!

I wouldn’t bother personally. He’s not going to suddenly change now.

The no sex thing is one thing, but it's also almost more concerning that he isn't talking to you about it. He isn't letting you in emotionally, nor working with you to build the connection part of your life

If he won't communicate, then the relationship is doomed anyway, even if you were willing to have a sex-less relationship.

5 months and not even a snog??? Throw this one back. Even if he did have ED he could still want intimacy and make you feel good - this guy is just not interested in sex. Boring and weird behaviour.

Yes I suspect you’re all correct. I want more and I’m not going to get it here am I? 🤷‍♀️

Thank you for your replies, it really does help to clear things in my mind.

Onwards and upwards! (No pun intended 😳)