This might be a long, ugly, confusing post but if you are able to read through it and help me make sense of my situation I’d forever be thankful.
i (25F) have always been this social person, open to new experiences ( thanks to my parents i used to travel alone since i was at the 8th grade for school and University scholarships and competitions) which created my personality of being an independent, social person who loves having friends, loves a good adventure and constantly learning new things. However im the eldest child and we all know sometimes the pressure that is put on us of being perfect, high achievers and very responsible. This while created lots of good characteristics in me it also caused me to be a bit rigid ( doesn’t know how to show emotions alot like other girls) and sometimes anxious/over-thinker. When i started University 5 years ago, i approached a quiet/loner and shy guy we became friends but i wanted more than friends and so I started gifting him special stuff, writing to him, etc. even though during this he had his eyes on someone else briefly and I supported him in talking to her ( i knew the girl) when she rejected him he started paying more attention and ended up saying i love you to me and the relationship started. 6 months in, he started talking marriage and commitment long term, it scared me a bit to be honest because i was still 21 with dreams of pursuing post graduate programs, achieving a stable career, etc and i made that clear to him and he was fine he said he understood and that he also still wants to do similar things and aims to actually do his post grad with me. see, similar to him, this was my first and only relationship and so we dreamt together and wanted to be the best for each other. 2 years in, we were generally on good terms but looking back at it now there was things that i dont know if i should consider as red flag or not ( i.e everytime i mention that i love having lots of friends in the future, he accused me that what im saying is that he is not enough, eveyrtime i mentioned that i'd love to go camping someday he'd say that i dont know that campinging = men sleeping with women", i felt like his parent sometimes, he suffered from something in his health and that didnt bother me i alwas encourged him i wanted him to see the potential he has, but still i was supposed to help write his resume, suggested talk to his mom to convince her that he should come visit me if i was at a different city, had to always advice him how to open conversation with people and connect, he never got me a thoughtful gift that showed he knew me- on 2 of my birthdays he brought me stuff his mom used to own but never wore because he didnt have time or because his mom recommended it. you might think he is bad but tbh, i am and i take full responsibility because he too is loving, caring, kind, priortize me, told everyone in his family about me and was proud of me, loved my family, supported me, apologized when he did wrong, always wanted to do better, was loyal but after 2 years i fucked up, i had an affair for 3 months with a WOMAN!! who is 15 years older than me just because i idealized her (Career wise) and she was abusive (hit me, threatened to burn my house, to hit my sister, etc) and it ruined me completely, i confessed to him everything multiple times ( he said it didnt bother him, in fact,it turned him on and that he knows who i am), that however, didnt help me i went to therapy i wanted to understand why i did this, i was in depression, got sick and couldnt get out of bed for 6 months, i quite my job because i couldnt sustain. he had to move to the states for his job and leave this country. and i had found an internship in the UAE, during that time while he was applying for a job in the states i was writing his emails, supporting him on how to interview, etc. it was his first time to live alone and away from his family which scared him ( i understand) but when i tried to tell him that change is good and both of us will be set on a journey to change (the word "change" to him meant that its a negative chnage and that we will breakup eventually and this where i start lashing out cause i got tierd from exaplining myslef over and over again). we travel and we start our jobs, i lose mine because my boss was a racist and then my mental health hit rock bottom i pushed him away i asked for space because i became dangerous i critiszed him, his physical apperance, his personality, i told him i felt like your mom sometimes, i used to have angry outbursts everytime he interpreted my words according to his own understanding similar to the examples above, he tried with me but i failed,i failed tremednously, i was basically by the end of the relationship an abuser!!!! my biggest failure is when his father died and i wasnt there with him before that becasue i took break from us and suddenly i woke up to the news of his father, called him and every evil that was in me suddenly left and i just stayed with him on the line for months to come i didnt know how to help, his father was like my father, i couldnt fathom the loss, he became very obssesed in sexual things as mean to realease his sadness and i understood that and i gave it to him even if it exhausted me but 3 months after the loss we still our arguments until one day we had a big fight and he wanted suddenly to revisit the affair and i refused because i told him about it 1000 times and he said it didnt bother him, i broke up with him a year ago. but since then he didnt give up, everytime he is in town he wants to talk to work things out saying that living alone and losing is father changed him and he now sees that i was challenging him not controlling him and that he understand me, i do believe that people change and i would love for someone to also give me a second chance when i need it but for some reason i keep refusing to give us a second chance, espeically becasue we are still blaming each other, last time i saw him ( a week ago) he said that no guy tolerates whatever he tolerated form me, that i have hurt him alot that he still hear words and turned him into a bad person, i apologized tremandulsy, i offered to pay for therapy or whatever he needs , i also tried to tell him what went wrong from him and how i understand that " hurt people hurt people" but that he also wasnt honest with me during the enetire relationship ( he always said yes to things when deep down he wanted to say no) and that exahusted him. he recently told me that no guy will ever love me the way he did and now im scared, imi ashamed, im confused and i just feel like my soul is chocked. was breaking up with him a mistake even though he wanted to give us a second chance, am i just too stubborn or am i correct for really believing that there was codependency, insecurity, and lack of honesty that could still be there if i married this guy even if he changes a bit? are these enough reasons to breakup with someone or its silly because i have someone who loves me, never criticized me, always was kind and listened to me?