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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Walk away or fight for the lot?

22 replies

NotReallySure · 16/07/2022 08:00

I had a previous thread about leaving my husband, and decided I couldn't stay. He has been controlling and emotionally abusive.
I have 2 kids (4&6). I've asked for money out of the house for a deposit on a house of my own (50-60k), our house is worth 290k. Plan: We go 50/50 child custody, he pays all childcare expenses(wrap around and nursery). I get the family car (he has a work car). I walk away, much happier and kids get very as little trauma as possible. Here's the rub. On mentioning pensions etc he gets nasty. Tells me I checked out of the family emotionally 6 years ago and barely interact, have been treating the kids badly (verbal abuse) and have physically assaulted him. Total bullying and gaslighting, basically a threat so I don't do courts. He hasn't a leg to stand on with these accusations. Thing is I'm happy enough with that deal but I'm slightly concerned about pension (7 years of working very little/mat leave due to kids), I earn 21k, but potential to get 40 full time and we'll paid overtime in the future, he gets 60k, likely to go up substantially soon, he'll get very little future inheritance, my parents own a 600k house I'll get half of. Just wanting opinions really, if you lasted this long! I'll be ok financially, but not as comfortable as him, on principal I want to show him what I'm worth and not be bullied, but my main priority is the kids and I feel settling this "amicably" is best. I'll just be so happy away from him.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/07/2022 08:17

That deal is shit for you and your kids, it really is.

Have you sought legal advice re the finances and children?. What has your Solicitor advised?.

Will such a man anyway want 50% of the time with his children?. He may well have demanded this but as they will interfere with any of his free time they could well get palmed off to his parents going forward and worse still could be used as weapons against you. I would not advise any sort of informal arrangement between you re him and access to his children.

He will continue to behave just the same going forward as well; I doubt whether he will want to settle amicably because he will try and cling onto the power and control he's had over you. Such men too hate women, ALL of them. He wants to "win" and you to him are the enemy to be crushed.

OrianaBanana · 16/07/2022 08:20

You need a shit hot lawyer.

TitInATrance · 16/07/2022 08:22

One thing I’ve learnt here is that taking a shit deal that includes good maintenance and an amicable co-parenting, even with both sides having the best of intentions, leaves you high and dry once either ex gets a new partner.

He doesn’t feel amicable to you, he’s bullying, threatening and gaslighting already - you have nothing to lose by going for the lot.

MintJulia · 16/07/2022 08:24

See a solicitor. He will give you an honest assessment. If you are still happy with that deal, you can still go with it.

But after 7 years and two children, you are entitled to more.

Original poster
NotReallySure · 16/07/2022 08:26

I know, I guess I just want out. And as little disruption for kids as possible. I have a chat with a lawyer booked in next week. It was going to all be in writing etc, I don't think you can divorce fully without written contract re kids. He will want them 50 percent, but he's a "fun uncle" type/Disney dad to them and might stuggle down the line with actual parenting, you're right. It's just so shit that he's willing to play dirty, I can take it but it's not fair on the kids.

OP posts:
Cavagirl · 16/07/2022 08:35

I feel settling this "amicably" is best

The thing is OP, what you really want is for MN to say - ah yes, that deal will be sufficiently skewed towards him that he will consistently play nice and not cause you any bother during the divorce.

What evidence do you have from his behaviour up until this point to demonstrate that he is capable of consistently playing nice on anything?

You will never be able to appease him. You will never be able to lose enough for him that becomes "amicable". That's the unfortunate reality.

So you may as well fight tooth and nail, because it won't make any significant difference to how he behaves.

MintJulia · 16/07/2022 10:03

The thing is, if you take less than you are due, it limits your options later. You have to put more into your own pension so take them on fewer holidays, or give them less nice things, while your ex will lavish them with expensive gadgets and make you feel bad.

A few tough months now is worth it in the long term xx

KangarooKenny · 16/07/2022 10:05

Really, put it in the hands of a solicitor. He can answer to them.

Original poster
NotReallySure · 16/07/2022 13:05

My main reason for walking away is the kid's mental health to be honest. Already I'm getting snippets out if my 4 year old randomly, talking about not wanting me to live with someone else, and saying "you do things you shouldn't do, like shout at us". Completely unprovoked as if he's feeding her lies in preparation? I'm terrified to be honest.

OP posts:
Takingthepmaybe · 16/07/2022 13:07

you Don’t seem terribly worried about leaving your two young children with an emotionally abusive man for half of their lives?

Original poster
NotReallySure · 16/07/2022 13:21

He's not abusive to them. They love their dad. The only way he is abusing them is if he uses them as a pawn in his game, which I will avoid by walking away. He's already starting which is why I want out, to protect their mental health.

OP posts:
BetterFuture1985 · 16/07/2022 13:30

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/07/2022 08:17

That deal is shit for you and your kids, it really is.

Have you sought legal advice re the finances and children?. What has your Solicitor advised?.

Will such a man anyway want 50% of the time with his children?. He may well have demanded this but as they will interfere with any of his free time they could well get palmed off to his parents going forward and worse still could be used as weapons against you. I would not advise any sort of informal arrangement between you re him and access to his children.

He will continue to behave just the same going forward as well; I doubt whether he will want to settle amicably because he will try and cling onto the power and control he's had over you. Such men too hate women, ALL of them. He wants to "win" and you to him are the enemy to be crushed.

How can you say all this about a man you don't know the first thing about?

@NotReallySure I would urge caution about posts like these from people who are not equipped with the facts. Whether 50/50 is a "shit deal" really depends on you and your ex, who this poster does not know.

Original poster
NotReallySure · 16/07/2022 13:36

Thanks @BetterFuture1985 he honestly is a good dad and will do fine at 50:50, probably will be more like 60:40 to me anyway given work pattern and he is coming round to that. That will be officially sorted. My main issue is that by leaving now I'll be ok financially (but obviously not as good as I could be) and the kids will be able to settle, if things get nasty the kids are likely to be disadvantaged as he will do anything to get what he wants, even drag the kids into it/lie etc. I feel like it's putting a price in their (and my!) Mental health.

OP posts:
silentpool · 16/07/2022 13:39

Don't agree to anything till you see a lawyer. On such a low salary, could you get a mortgage? You are selling yourself short.

takeitandleaveit · 16/07/2022 13:45

Please try and stop negotiating anything with him, and get some proper legal advice pronto.

He's absolutely got you over a barrel at the moment and he knows it. He is using the kids to blackmail you into surrendering.

BetterFuture1985 · 16/07/2022 13:50

NotReallySure · 16/07/2022 13:36

Thanks @BetterFuture1985 he honestly is a good dad and will do fine at 50:50, probably will be more like 60:40 to me anyway given work pattern and he is coming round to that. That will be officially sorted. My main issue is that by leaving now I'll be ok financially (but obviously not as good as I could be) and the kids will be able to settle, if things get nasty the kids are likely to be disadvantaged as he will do anything to get what he wants, even drag the kids into it/lie etc. I feel like it's putting a price in their (and my!) Mental health.

If it's going to be more like 60/40 then it should be a divorce settlement on that basis and not 50/50. However, will it work out if he is paying all childcare because you're both able to work full-time?

It's a tricky one because the way you describe him perhaps you would be better off with a clean break for your mental health. However, it doesn't sound like there is enough money for that.

Monoandsix · 16/07/2022 13:55

If he's not playing nice now, what makes you think he'll play nice when you get a new partner? Or he gets a new partner?

Poppyblush · 16/07/2022 14:18

In his way he is being abusive emotionally to your kids. He’s not a great dad.

secretskillrelationships · 16/07/2022 14:26

I think you’d like to believe it would be amicable but I suspect that if you agreed this deal he’d find a way of backtracking on some aspect of it. It’s not fair and I think you have to let go of the idea that out can be amicable on that basis alone. I’m sorry, but it sounds like it’s going to be messy and unpleasant whatever you do. So it might as well not leave you massively financially disadvantaged as well. I know it’s hard when he’s manipulating the children but if he’s doing that now I suspect that will set the pattern going forward and you’ll be in a better position to support them if you’re not worrying about finances on top. You’re not being unreasonable to look out for your, and you’re children’s, best interests.

Original poster
NotReallySure · 16/07/2022 15:24

I'm in Scotland and can afford a mortgage as I have a big deposit (thanks in part to equity in the home I'm getting from him, and help from my parents). I can get a 2 bed house for 150k. I guess I'm thinking can I do this and leave initially and finalise other details such as pensions etc at a later date. But obviously I'll have missed the boat on getting any more out of the house. I just need out and renting would be more than I can afford, I have no family nearby. I don't want to fight over the house as it's the kids home too.
I agree that he won't be amicable, but he can't keep the kids from me and at least I'll be out the house. Literally all our communication can be through a lawyer. And the kids aren't exposed to this toxic environment.
I know he's not a great dad by what he's doing, but the abuse is to me, and if I'm gone the kids aren't exposed to it.

OP posts:
Dinogirl50 · 16/07/2022 15:31

I was due one third of my parents house ..whole lot went on nursing home fees for both of them.
you can’t rely on inheritance

Original poster
NotReallySure · 16/07/2022 15:32

@Dinogirl50 yes, this is in the back of my mind. No certainty.

OP posts:
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