I really need some advice on a tricky situation, all opinions will be so gratefully received.
I'm 36 years old, i have 3 younger brothers, and one of my brothers who is 31, is due to get married next month, but I haven't been invited and I need some advice as to what I should do, if anything?
The back story. I met my partner in 2007 when I was 21 at uni, I didn't tell my parents about him as I knew they wouldn't approve for a couple of different reasons.
- He has a child
- He lived in a shared house with students and didn't have a car and was a tradesman which at the time, my mum didn't think was a good enough job.
- My mum found fault with every boyfriend I ever chose for myself.
So I continued to meet up with him in secret without my parents knowing.
Long story short, during a car journey where the whole family was in the car (me, my mum, dad and 3 brothers) an argument happened which I can't even remember what it was about, i think one of my brothers had basically grassed on me for smoking and knowing I was gonna get into trouble for it and given even less freedom and trust and not being able to meet up with the guy I met, it resulted in me saying I've had enough, I'm moving out.
So when we got home, I started packing my stuff, and my mum would come in and out of the room and say I hope you know you can take the cats with you too. I don't drive so it would have meant taking them on the train, I said I would take one cat and come back for the other. I was sobbing my heart out because I didn't want to leave but I was just so sick of all my movements and actions being controlled. I went to a neighbours house around the corner, suitcase in one hand and cat carrier in the other, I phoned my partner sobbing down the phone, and he said I should come to stay with him and he would look after me etc. I got a taxi and a train to his house and we've been together ever since.
There's been loads of times throughout the 15 years of being with my partner that I've tried to make it up with my family and sort things out, including going back home when I was told from my nana that my mum had a life threatening illness (she didn't, it was a ploy to get me home, and i left when i realised, or should i say, i was thrown out by the arm in a vest top and jeans in the winter rain with no phone or bank card after she took them off me) but the slightest thing I do that they don't like, or if I disagree with anything my mum says, then I'm disowned from the family and if my mums not talking to me, none of the rest of the family will talk to me either incase it upsets her.
The year before the pandemic hit, I got back in touch with my parents to try to sort things again after a year or so of not talking again, and I was making a real effort, speaking with them every day and visiting every week. And then one day, I was putting my Christmas decorations up, and it got to 9oclock at night and realised I'd not text my mum (I'd usually text her much earlier than that but I'd been so busy). I checked my phone and had a text from her asking if everything was okay. I text back saying I'm so sorry mum, i lost track of time putting my Xmas decorations up, are you free for me to phone you?. She ignored me, I tried to phone and text for 3 days and got ignored, eventually she sent a text a few days later saying she told herself she wasnt worrying about me anymore. I said, she needn't have worried because if she would have phoned, i would have heard the phone and answered it, but she never phones anyone, they have to phone her. After a bit of back and forth, I just left it eventually.
The next contact we had was when we were all put on lockdown at the beginning of the pandemic. I contacted my family to make sure they were all okay and to check if they needed anything. We stayed in touch for a couple of months. During which time my nana got breast cancer. I was scared we might lose her, she had to have her breast removed and thankfully is fine now but we didn't know if she would be fine at the time and when I would talk to my mum about what my nana might be going through psychologically because of the cancer, my mum would say things like, Oh she's playing on it. And because I said she shouldn't say things like that because if something happens she'll feel guilty, and she went mad and accused me of trying to make her feel like shit. And how no one in her family wants anything to do with me apart from her, and how my dad and brothers always tell her not to bother with me. She shouted one of my brothers in the bedroom and put him on the phone to tell me that they don't want anything to do with me. I was sobbing and just put the phone down. That was in June 2020. I've not heard from them since despite sending mothers day and birthday presents etc.
My little brothers getting married next month, I'm devastated I haven't received an invite, but then again, most if not all of my mums sisters and brothers which are our aunties and uncles (she's 1 of 9) haven't been invited either because my mum doesn't like them/get on with them.
If you haven't guessed from reading by now, my mum runs the show, she decides everything in my family and my dad and brothers go along with everything she wants for a quiet life, and also because they've seen what happens if you cross her, you get disowned for 15 years like me. I haven't spent one Christmas with them in 15 years and we were so close prior to 2007.
I don't know if I've explained all this very well. Its impossible to try to fit 15 years In a few sentences, so much has happened during this time and before that too.
What would you do if it was you, I know I'll be gutted forever if I miss my first little brother getting married, but at the same time, I don't want to go begging and my only way of contacting my brother is through my mum. I'm not allowed their phone numbers and she made them all block me on social media years ago.
Any advice would be much appreciated, and sorry its so long.