Cutting off mum

[hayu19]

I will try and explain my situation the best I can without going on and on. So I have always had a difficult relationship with my mum. We have been close at times and not at others.

Growing up my mum struggled with alcohol addiction, this resulted myself and my sister growing up in an unstable environment, my mum would become physically violent when drunk (towards us and her boyfriend at the time) and also left us to live with a boyfriend when we were 14 and 16. She then told us with a days notice that we had to leave the house as she was renting it out. I moved in with my boyfriends parents and my sister moved in with my grandparents (dad's side)

I've always tried to forgive and move on with my mum as she isn't always like this, she can actually be lovely and supportive at times. I have had lots of therapy over the years to help me move on from my childhood. I am 27 now and have a 5 year old DS and another DS on the way.

In January my mum was looking after my son (I was not aware she was drinking at this point ) I had a phonecall from the police at 7pm to say they had stopped my mum because she was clearly heavily intoxicated, falling in the road whilst my son was in her care. She kicked off completely and refused to hand my son over to them. They called Me and I was devastated, my DH left immediately to collect him. He was terrified and so upset, it was heart breaking.

She still won't accept she has done anything wrong and is blaming medication for the way she behaved.( my auntie told me my mum had definitely been drinking as she had told her on the phone).

I have cut off contact for now as I'm not sure what to do for the best. She won't admit she has a problem and won't access the help even though myself and family have begged her to.

She is begging for yet another chance. I just don't know where to go from here

Bump

This wont stop till she decides to acknowledge the problem and get help for herself.
She is the only one who can stop her drinking.
This is her responsibility.
This is not anyone elses fault.
Keep your distance til she has sorted herself out.
The angst is simply not worth it.
Protect you and yours.
Just step back.

I can't imagine your DH wants this woman anywhere near you or the DC

Step right away. And even if she tries and gets sober she will always potentially be a drunk so never entrust her with your DC again

How horrible and scary for you. My dad was an alcoholic and I had a strict rule that he wasn't to drink around my dc.
You're right she has to admit to her drinking problem but sadly until she does there is nothing you can do about it.

My dad never stopped drinking but he did manage to curtail it when he was with us as he knew it was the only way he would see his grandchildren.
He died when they were little and they don't remember him now, which is sad.
Alcoholism is a terrible disease

I have to add that he was never left alone with them and never drank in front of them.

You have to protect yourself and your family.

You don't want someone near you and your kids who is potentially toxic and out of control/untrustworthy because she is addicted to alcohol.

She has already showed you what can happen when someone lets their addiction take over.

Only she can make the decision to get into rehab and deal with her issues. But for that she first needs to admit she has an issue.

Addicts in general are very manipulative and will tell you what you want to hear to get back into your life. If you let her back in you are actually enabling her behaviour and giving her less reasons to finally do something about her drinking and whatever else is troubling her.

Well the one thing you do know for sure is you can never, ever leave your DC in the care of your mother ever again.

Whether or not you want to have any other kind of contact with her - meet for for a coffee every month/three months/whatever - is up to you.

sounds horrendous, sorry

Such a difficult situation as it’s your DM but if it was a friend behaving this way you’d not let her see your son again (I’m sure he won’t want to see her anyway as he was terrified the poor thing)
As PP said, she needs to be the one to seek help before any reconciliation can happen, if at all.
When you think of her being loving and kind also think of the danger she put your son in. I hope the therapy is helping. 💐

That sounds so hard. You have been through so much already. She has let you down repeatedly. You don't have to square up for more disappointment and pain.

If you do decide to go somewhere between low contact and no contact, id meet her for coffee once every six months in public, during the day. Keep things on your terms or not at all.

she’s an alcoholic, she just wants to be able to carry on drinking consequence free, this is why she is begging you to let it slide. if you don’t let it slide then there will be consequences for her drinking, and consequences are really hard for her because it creates internal conflict, between the drink that she really really wants, and the fact that the drink is ruining her life. All she wants to do is convince herself that her drinking isn’t a problem, and if it’s fucked up her relationship with you then that’s a big tick in the problem column that isn’t easily ignored.

As to whether you should cut her off because of this: well, I’d certainly be cutting her off for the time being until such time as she’s got herself dry. She put your child in danger because alcohol took higher priority than his safety. For me it’s not unforgivable forever, because that’s what alcoholics are, people for whom alcohol is there one and only priority, but forgiveness would not come until the drink had been taken out of the equation completely.

i’m sorry you’re going through this OP. I too have just this week cut my mother off, but in my case it’s because she’s toxic and I can’t cope with walking on eggshells around her any longer. it’s hard, I feel guilty, but ultimately it’s for my own good.

Sorry but this is a hard line for me. Putting my child in danger.

If you want to have a civil, but keeping her at distance relationship then fine, but she's not someone you can rely on in the typical mother-daughter way. And I'd NEVER let her look after my DC again.

Thank you all for the advice and support, she is definitely a very manipulative person due to her addiction. It's just good to know that I'm not being unreasonable here in stopping contact with my DC. It's a given that she would never be able to have unsupervised time with my DC ever again. Even if she did get sober just because of the risk of relapse. I'm going to continue with the no contact for the near future. If she decides to accept help one day and gives up alcohol then I may consider contact again, however I can't see this happening. It strange because although she is alive I feel as though I am grieving a loss. Thank you again for all of your support.