DH and I can't stop fighting

[potatomonkey]

Married 4 years, together 7, 2 small LOs. Before kids, life was pretty stress free and we barely had a cross word between us. We are now tired, cranky versions of ourselves and take our bad moods out on each other. Today we had another fight. We just can't seem to stop. But what scares me is we say worse things/insults to each other with each fight. I don't want to continue like this. Does anyone have any advice on how to stop fighting or how to repair the cracks in a relationship or how to fall in love again?? Any advice that isn't LTB is welcome.

You need to be able to negotiate a peace treaty. So first have a talk about not fighting and rules to support that. As in no name calling. As in if you get angry be able to walk away and the other not follow you and keep engaging (time out ). Never argue in front of the kids, etc.

Then discuss honestly why you are fighting…you say you’re both tired and stressed. What can you do to give each other breaks? To reduce stress? Frame it as the two of you vs the world of parenting. And build in relaxing time together. We used to just cuddle on sofa and watch Netflix once the DCs were in bed.

Go to counselling together. DS and DiL did it after some terrible arguments and they have been fine since.

@Discovereads thanks, that's some very practical advice.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky that's great it worked for them. I had thought of it however I'm scared to bring it up as I really couldn't see him agreeing to it. But I supposed i have to try.

I have two practical suggestions that helped DH and me when we were knackered and fighting.

1. Breakdown the weekend (or whenever you get free time) into 4-hour chunks. If you have a traditional weekend break that's 4 hours Friday night; 4 x 4 hours each on Saturday and Sunday. Total of 9 blocks of time. Each of you gets one chunk of time to do whatever you want which you agree with each other in advance. You don't question what the person does with that time. You might go and see a friend or go shopping alone and for a coffee During that time the other person takes full responsibility for DC. If you want to sleep, they attend to them and get them out of the house if they are shouting for you. I had to train DH to respect my four hours like I respected his, but we got there in the end. If DH wants to go to the gym or out with his mates, that's when he does it. Don't split up the four hour chunk into an hour here, three there - it doesn't work out. Then you're left with 7 blocks of time. Use one for chores. Each of you takes one DC while you do these - get on top of the laundry, weekly shop, house tidying etc. Do this simultaneously. We used to do Saturday mornings. That leaves 6 chunks of time - use two to go out as a family and have fun, either on an all-day outing or two half days. That leaves 4. Use one for a date together as a couple. Do something fun -don;t go for a drink or dinner - you have nothing to say at this stage. Go to a comedy night or a gig or a film or show. Or rollerblading etc. That leaves 3 chunks of time for doing 'stuff' - cooking, bathing kids, sorting out shit that happens along the way. These chunks of time can be split up but the big ones listed above, you ringfence. We wroked at this and it made a massive difference.

2.) The other thing is - stop trying to have your old life back. Start having fun together as a family. We did loads of stuff with DC all the time, as a family, because we decided this was more fun than fighting and wanting to be free from family responsibilities. We went to steam trains and wildlife parks, seaside, castles, child-friendly art shows and concerts. We build dens and dams and bonfires. It made DH change from being a bit grumpy and aloof into a really good dad.

What are you fighting about, what are the trigger points ?

You really should. Ds and other half had serious relationship breaking bust ups and counselling saved them. Your H should leave all his preconceptions behind and try it. There is nothing to lose. Me DiL and DS all live together and we're going to family therapy to iron out some problems from the past too.

A good tip is to figure out what each of you want from a discussion - are you looking for support or a solution?

When (generic) you have a thought it is filtered through all your life experiences before it leaves your mouth and the words may not match the thought. It then reaches the ears of the other person, is similarly filtered through their life experiences before it's interpreted by their brain. Knowing that, it's amazing we ever understand one another!

So when you/he says something the other could reply "I heard you say X and I understood that it means Y - is that correct?" The response is either "Yes, that's what I meant" or "No, what I mean to say was Z". It gives you both clarity and makes you think about communicating clearly. Yes, it's a bit clunky to start with but it DOES work.