How often should we be texting?

[milkandhoneyy]

Hi,

I'm fairly new to the dating scene after being in a long-term relationship.
I'm currently speaking to a guy I matched with on an app a few weeks ago (he's working away at the moment but we have set a date to meet when he comes back) and we used to speak everyday, and be on the phone for hours sometimes, however now I don't hear from him for a few days at a time and I'm not sure if this is just me being needy or if we should actually be speaking more than this and he's just not into me anymore?
We have never met so there are no obligations but I'd just like to know what other people would consider "normal" and reasonable in this situation? I've been out of the game for so long!
Thanks!

Tbh, I'd think the problem with that one is that it was too full on straight off the bat. I don't think ti's wise to spend hours on the phone with someone you've never even met.

Also, if theres too kuchen chat early on, you may run out of things to say on the actual date...or even, before, which sounds like might be what's happened now.

Although it is also possible he has toned it back as he realises its a bit much. Get a date sorted. ASAP. Then you'll have a better idea of what's what.

And in future, a few quick convos over thr course of a few days and then arrange a date for as soon as possible. Don't waste weeks talking to them as there are a lot of time wasters who are only looking for an ego stroke and will blab on for hours but dont actually want to date.

As for what's normal chat wise, it depends on the person. But I certainly don't want to be gluednto my phone, especially not for someone I've never even met.

I'm happy with maybe 2 text convos (say 2 or 3 exchanges each convo) between each date if the dates are weekly. I'd find someone messaging me every day, smothering.

I would say that he is loosing interest but that often happens quickly when they are too intense to start with.

I would stop contacting him altogether and let him come to you. If he takes to long, just move on.

It’s definitely not normal to have this level of involvement before you‘ve even met in person. Hours on the phone? He’s not even available to have dinner with yet, and you are making yourself so terribly available for him.

he has ‘pen pal’-ed you. He had used you as an ego boost and female company and now he is bored.

i doubt you will meet, but if you do- he’ll be gunning for a shag because he’s laid the groundwork.

if you are new on the dating scene- please see all of this as red flags. Don’t start text relationships with blokes who are ‘out of the country’ or ‘away on business’ or ‘really busy’. You have invested so much headspace and time into one bloke who has given you nothing and is now cooling off

men who are interested in you will arrange dates promptly and follow through, then the bountiful texts and phone calls can start- when you have a better measure of them being worth your emotional energy.

Also be aware of love bombers (Google it)

Because people who love bomb are not emotionally healthy and are often abusive if the relationship should progress.

Thank you all! I can totally see where you are coming from. Feel like an absolute mug! Definitely not contacting him.

@GetThatHelmetOn how long is too long to wait for him get in contact? It's been 3 days already, shall I just delete and move on?

I wouldn’t say that you have to block him but just move on, he may come back but I wouldn’t be waiting for his as the chances are he doesn’t.

I have found that mirroring other people’s communication efforts is a good gauge on what is adequate. For example, if someone waits until the night to reply to your texts, you do the same. If someone is not replying do not contact them until they get in touch.

I guess that one of the problems with OLD is that there are so many “candidates” available that is easy for people to get distracted with other options. So it is important to take things with a pinch of salt, or deal with them as if they were imaginary friends and do not see them as proper potential patterns until you meet them and you know you like them.

I'd delete and move on. If a bloke is into you, you will be left in absolutely no doubt of the fact. They will make it very clear, and pursue you. If you're wondering, the answer is they feel ambivalent, which is not what you're after longer term, even if you can pursuade them in the moment.

If you were that full on in the beginning and it's slacking off now, I say he's lost interest. The beginning stages I'm usually in contact with someone daily even if it's just a few texts throughout the day. Once I start slacking off and taking days to respond to someone I know I'm not interested anymore, and when it happens to me I know they've lost interest.

@milkandhoneyy how long is too long to wait for him get in contact? It's been 3 days already, shall I just delete and move on?

Give him a week, give him some space and let him miss you. Don;t invest so much time in someone you've never met, he could be married or not whohe says he is. Tread very carefully with strangers from the internet.

Thank you for your advice. Feeling a little deflated but only have myself to blame I guess

You've never met, match his effort and speak to others. Online dating is a numbers game.

Why are you looking for external validation? Is his contact level making you happy? Who do you think gets to decide what's 'normal' for you, and what you 'should' do? What rules do you think we're reading from? What would you do if behaviour you didn't like was 'normal'? Do you think that means you ought to put up and shut up about your feelings?

Lots of questions, but essentially: why aren't you making the rules for what's acceptable in your dating partners?