I'm really irritated with a friend who appears to expect the utmost loyalty and attention but clearly isn't bothered to give it in return.
She talks a lot about loyalty about "good people, good friends" about trusting people etc. And then she doesn't seem to reciprocate. It's like she genuinely has no self awareness. Everything she's doing on her life is all consuming and she expects all of this understanding. She will give support and understanding at times, but only if she can empathise with that particular problem, other times, she is aloof to it.
The most recent thing is she organised a 40th birthday celebration for her husband which involved an overnight stay. My husband had something on that weekend which he attends annually but cancelled so that we could attend this celebration. Much of it was happening outside and the weather forecast was grim so we literally didn't know whether it was going to go ahead or not until the actual day. We had other things we could have done that weekend but we still waited and then spent Saturday morning packing like lunatics for an overnight stay with 2 very young kids. It also cost us money. But we were happy to do it for our friends and we all had a nice time. She however didn't speak to me until the second day, seemingly annoyed with me for suggesting she rearrange it for another weekend when the forecast was better. She seemed to not be able to appreciate the fact that we had turned up anyway!
It's my husband's 40th birthday tomorrow and so I've organised a meal for friends and family (which i will be paying for) and although initially, my friend said she could make it, she now says she has her weekly yoga class at that time.
Am I being unreasonable here to expect her to just cancel it in light of our commitment to her husband's birthday which actually cost us money and meant that my husband missed an annual event for it?! I'll be honest, I'm really annoyed. She says she will come after yoga, but everyone will have eaten by then.
She would notice if someone treated her/ her husband this way but she seems to have no self awareness when she's doing it to others.
She's not a narcissist either. She can be really empathetic, but at other times, it's like she's absorbed in her own world and other people's special occasions and needs just don't exist. I see elements of ASD (I see a lot of this in my field of work), but surely she can recognise that this is a bit disappointing of her.
She has also said that she will come over to our house after the meal with her husband and children but we really don't want the hassle as we were planning a romantic evening at home once the children had gone to bed. But to her, this seems to make perfect, logical sense. It's not that she's a bad person, but I find her behaviour difficult at times when I know she would be grumpy if someone did it to her.