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Original poster

Ex's and teenage children

12 replies

emlutomsmum · 15/07/2022 13:37

Just looking for some advice to see if it's worth speak to my solicitor who will charge £125 for the call and then extra for a letter. We have 3 kids - 19,18 and 14.

My ex H separated last year and are now divorced. It's not been very amicable and he has used the kids against me on several occasions and yes I have been known to call him a C@#k when he has really upset the kids. I have never called him this to his face but only in moments of pure frustration and disappointment. Even my 14 year old by has called him some fruity words when my EX has let him down.

I digress. So my ex refuses point blank to have any kind of communication with me. The woman that he is engaged to also doesn't have any contact with her ex and her kids are dropped of at a grandparents etc. My ex therefore communicates directly with our (only just) 14 year old son. My ex refuses to see the kids very often as he hates the fact that they live with me and we all get on. He went bonkers when they put a gushing Mother's Day post on social media.

My son informed me last night that he is seeing his dad this weekend (his dad lives 30 mins up the A1) and that my ex wants me to have nothing to do with the plans this weekend and his dad is paying for a taxi to get boychild to the train station, for a train journey that takes 10 mins and that he will be catching the train back on Sunday. No timings, nothing.

My question is, is my ex allowed legally to not involve me in any of these arrangements as in, not even letting me know? He point blank refuses to have any kind of communication with me and only ever sends me abusive emails when he decides to.

I know my ex is going to even more angry with me as I have started a claim for Child Maintenance as he has refused point blank to give me any kind of maintenance.

OP posts:
2Hot2Handle · 15/07/2022 14:19

How does 14 y/o feel about going by himself in a taxi and then catching the train? If he’s told you boy he conversation with your EXH it sounds like he uncomfortable with what was arranged. If he doesn’t feel comfortable getting the train/taxi and you’re happy to provide lifts, then do what’s in your son’s best interests.

I think once a child is with a parent, the other parent doesn’t get a say in their schedule, unless there are safe guarding issues. But transport to and from is neutral ground, so if you want to be involved you can be, as it’s between you and your son.

Regarding maintenance, I could be wrong here, but I thought a parent wasn’t entitled to see their children if they didn’t pay for their upkeep (unless it’s a joint custody situation and the DC spend equal time with the parents). I wouldn’t withhold visitation if the DC want to see their DF, though.

unicornsarereal72 · 15/07/2022 14:24

@2Hot2Handle contact and child support are 2 separate things. Many many resident parents receive little to no child support but of course this must be a reason to stop contact. That is just more damaging for the child

Op. How does your son feel about the journey. Is he independent and confident going out and about. If ex wants it that way I wouldnt make a fuss. Your son has a phone he can keep in touch. But understand your frustrations.

unicornsarereal72 · 15/07/2022 14:24

Mustn't be a reason to stop contact.

FawnFrenchieMum · 15/07/2022 14:25

2Hot2Handle · 15/07/2022 14:19

How does 14 y/o feel about going by himself in a taxi and then catching the train? If he’s told you boy he conversation with your EXH it sounds like he uncomfortable with what was arranged. If he doesn’t feel comfortable getting the train/taxi and you’re happy to provide lifts, then do what’s in your son’s best interests.

I think once a child is with a parent, the other parent doesn’t get a say in their schedule, unless there are safe guarding issues. But transport to and from is neutral ground, so if you want to be involved you can be, as it’s between you and your son.

Regarding maintenance, I could be wrong here, but I thought a parent wasn’t entitled to see their children if they didn’t pay for their upkeep (unless it’s a joint custody situation and the DC spend equal time with the parents). I wouldn’t withhold visitation if the DC want to see their DF, though.

You are absolutely wrong! CM and access are two totally separate issues.

TheFlis12345 · 15/07/2022 14:28

What are you concerned about? I would have thought a 14 year old was more than capable of making their own arrangements with their father and you not needing to be involved was a good thing if he is abusive to you?

PeekAtYou · 15/07/2022 14:29

I would ask your son to tell you the times but not let your ex that you know. (Ie pretend that ex is getting his own way)

How does your son feel about getting a taxi ? Is his dad meeting him at the station or does he have to take the train on his own too? Mine would have been fine with the taxi but would need support on the train bot.

PeekAtYou · 15/07/2022 14:32

Calls and letters from solicitors aren't legally binding so don't bother with that. They will send your ex anything you want, even if it's not the la law and can be ignored without consequence.

By pretending that you don't know, you're not putting your son in an awkward position and does it matter if the taxi is coming at 10am or 3pm?

GreenManalishi · 15/07/2022 14:34

I'd say that 14 is more or less old enough to be making own arrangements with their father, and asking you for a lift if they don't fee comfortable getting on the train, but that would just depend on the child. The answer to any of these queries when they crop up is, what's in the child's best interest. It's only a year in, which is still fairly early days for all of you, it will get easier and if there's any accrimony then the less communication the better in my experience!

Cameronnorrieisabitofalright · 15/07/2022 14:36

At 12 my ds went nc with his df. At 14 your ds can manage his own contact without any input from you whatsoever..

FawnFrenchieMum · 15/07/2022 16:08

We were counting the days until the DSC were old enough to make their own arrangements to see us. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t be happy with this? I assume he makes plans with his friends without you getting involved?

weekendninja · 15/07/2022 16:21

I'd be happy with those arrangements.

My DC make their own arrangements with their DF. Same age as your DS.

I far prefer it. I have no blame/control coming my way.

Bayleaf25 · 15/07/2022 17:27

To be honest if your ex is controlling this sounds like a perfect way of you not having to communicate with him. I’d encourage your DS to let you know his plans so you know what’s going on (and if you wanted to drive him to the train station you could still do that). I think at almost 14 he should be fine and going forward it puts him in control of the contact he wants to.

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