Getting over what could have been? Anyone help?

[Treaxhkeo]

A couple of years ago life fell apart when my DP developed a drinking problem. It wasn’t a huge problem but impacted our lives and he seemed happiest relaxing at home with wine than almost anything else. The relationship broke down and I moved out with our baby. It was absolutely horrendous. Ex has never been in contact since but he does pay maintenance.

Nearly everyday I think what could have been. I loved him so much and wanted to try and make it work but he just gave up. It was impossible. We had everything, love, laughter, careers, a stable home we shared, investment properties, nice wider family, good friends. I sometimes struggle with the fact there was actually no real reason for it to end. We could have wired to sort things, maybe I could have been better and more understanding.. who knows. I just find it so sad that he hasn’t seen DC grow, his interest isn’t there and he’s not the man I met.

I can’t imagine moving on to someone else and I’m only 36. I loved him very much and chose him to build a future with. I’ve no interest in looking for anyone else but that just makes me sadder really… we didn’t need to end. He’s no other kids and no relationship, just keeps himself tucked away. There’s no going back but how do I stop tormenting myself with the fact he should be here, watching DC grow, sharing these moments etc. I imagine him one day elderly and alone and wishing he had DC around him, maybe then it would hit him

I do have therapy but to be honest nothing stops my sadness that he’s not around.

You said it yourself - he's not the man you met.

It simply wasn't meant to be - that's hard to accept when you focus on what it could have been - but it was never going to be that because if you were meant to be together and happy, you would be.

I know where you're coming from to a point
It feels like such a waste
I had a wobble for a few weeks recently but I know it was for the best
We had other issues too but there was absolutely no point in addressing any other issues while the drinking issue was still there and he made no moves to change that
That was all on him I had no power to stop him from drinking and nothing I said or did made any difference
This is all on him and you could not have made him stop you could only remove yourself from the situation which was 100% the correct thing to do
The choice was taken away from you so stop beating yourself up

It sounds as though he chose alcohol over everything else - he's clearly still doing the same as he seems to be isolating himself. It's very, very sad. One day he might hit rock bottom and start to get out of his addiction, but there's no point hanging around waiting for that to happen.

It's really hard, but he IS the man you met. You didn't have everything you need in order to stay married to him, and there was a good and real reason for it to end, which is why it did. There wasn't some cosmic stars didnt align reason for the end of the relationship, he put alcoholic above his marriage and a relationship with his child and no amount of investment property is going to keep that show on the road.

I'm sure you did work to "sort things" and showed great understanding, there are very few women with small children who will leave a man without a bloody good reason and without throwing some major effort at the problem first. You just couldn't fix him, which is different.

Sorry if this sounds brutal, heartbreak is real, and can knock you for six for some time, but you will get over it. Remeniscing over some fantasy version of what sounds like a one sided future isn't going to help that process at all. I hope that you have a peaceful home for you and your little one, concentrate on that and getting over this, which you will, before worrying about moving on with another relationship. Believe me, that can happen, you will be happy again.

@HollowTalk @RatherBeRiding @fedup078 Thanks very much for the responses I wasn’t sure anyone would reply!

He wasn’t a raging alcoholic by any means, he worked and was often pleasant and good to be around. But his moods often dipped and alcohol was daily thing. It was rare for it not to feature and when it didn’t he was quiet and offhand. There were other issues I guess but it just seems so sad. I still love him and don’t want another relationship. Just wish all the time he wasn’t missing out on DC. He’s 45 today and his DC is 3 next week. He’s had not relationship with them so far :(

Thanks @GreenManalishi I’m also dreading the inevitable where’s dad question soon as DC is 3 next week. I had hoped all this time he would at least be in their life but it’s clear now he won’t be. Just find it so very sad.

What's his reason for wanting nothing to do with his child? I couldn't be with or respect a person that chose this as an option.

@Tabasco007 he never really gave one, just paid maintenance and anytime I asked if he wanted to visit or meet he didn’t respond. I don’t fully know the reason, just know he wasn’t coping well at the time.

It IS sad - especially for you and your child, because he has chosen the life he is now leading. Try to remember that this is all down to HIM choosing not to be with you both. You can put any amount of 'what if' spin on it, but ultimately we all have choices.

He chose alcohol and then to walk way and out of his child's life,

You must now concentrate on your choices for your sake and your child's. I wouldn't even bother thinking about other relationships yet - you are clearly not ready. One day, you will be. Almost without noticing.

And you will be happy and content again - that life is out there. Just got to wait till you're there.

You are probably minimising the alcoholism as I tend to do and have to give myself a shake
You either have a drink problem or you don't and he obviously did
I still find it hard to believe how my exh with his highly responsible and professional career drank how he did and managed to function but it happened and it wasn't pretty

Hr choose alcohol OP and he is still choosing alcohol. Alcohol is more important to him then his DC. You did the right thing taking your child out of that environment. I know it doesn’t seem like it but your child is better off bring with you and out of that situation and no contact with the father. Drinkers are unpredictable and that isn’t a good mix around a child.
Maybe one day your ex will sober up and come to his senses about his child or maybe he won’t. It’s not on you what he chooses to do.
I know you say you still love him and of course you miss that life but perhaps when those feelings come to the fore remind yourself that he continues to put alcohol before his own child so you don’t look back too much with rose tinted glasses.

It is sad, but it's really not as sad as the alternative, which would have been your child growing up in an unhappy home with an alcoholic (thery'e not all in a park with a can of cider) father. You can be an excellent example and provide a happy stable home. The questions will come and you will be better place to answer them honestly and neutrally if you can let this go. It sounds as though your ex has some fairly major demons, and definitely there's possibly some mental health stuff going on that either your not aware of, or can't share here. Acceptance of who he is, is key, and that he's not someone who is capable of being a partner for you ever, or a father for your child at the moment, at least.
Put all your energy into yourself and your DC, stick with the therapy and honestly the sadness that he's not around? Thank your lucky stars he isn't.

@RatherBeRiding i guess his silence about why he’s not ever seen them makes it worse and i suppose it makes me go over it all. And I feel sad for him too.

hes always paid maintenance which makes it stranger to me… I suppose I have no real closure he just wasn’t coping with life too well and I had to leave and 3 years later here we are.

@fedup078 wnat did your ex do? Maybe I did minimise the drinking. He wasn’t a bad man though

@Treaxhkeo drank all hours of the day when not at work
Hid drink
Drank in the morning
Totally shitfaced on nights out
Gaslighted me and tried to tell me it was all in my head
Refused to admit he had a problem
Refuses to seek help