Hi everyone. Looking for some advice. I met this guy last year. Thought he was single and broke up with his long term partner (10+ years together) almost a year earlier. Sounded like they were selling a house they owned, which was obviously a pretty expected loose end to tie up. Nothing to be concerned with. About a month after we started dating, he told me they were actually married, but separated. She had a new relationship and lived a few hours away. Waiting for no fault divorce to come in before the process could start. I wasn’t thrilled to be caught in that, but I liked him a lot and everything was great between us. The fact they were committed to a divorce and were already sorting out the sale of assets was a positive to me. We had loads in common, got each other’s humour, strong attraction, similar values etc. I understood it was risky, but I decided to keep dating him. We saw each other regularly and were exclusive. We were making plans to go away together for a short trip when, about a month on from the revelation about his circumstances, he pulled back from me.
It took a week or two, a chat over dinner and so on, before he admitted he wasn’t ready for a relationship. He still wanted to be able to see me and be in touch. He was in a lot of emotional turmoil, having had to be in contact with his ex (physically see her) to sort some things out. It was clear he hadn’t quite moved on enough from her to be with me. I was pretty upset, of course, but accepted it.
He contacted me a couple of weeks later to check I was ok. A short time after, we met up. It was lovely and he was affectionate with me, but it wasn’t anything like before. No holding hands or kissing, and certainly nothing else. He was always respectful, to be fair. I could sense this attraction was still there though. Said he wanted to see me again. I ended up asking him what he wanted, because it wasn’t easy for me to hang out with him with my feelings the way they are. He admitted he’d wanted a relationship with me, but realised because of his emotional state, it wasn’t the right thing for him. He could offer me friendship.
My close family and friends thought it would be hard but I could accept that offer and see how it plays out. I noticed afterwards that rather than no contact, so many sites online advise taking such offers, to stay connected and build momentum with someone, when you think they are someone you can seriously see a future with. So I agreed. I thought I could handle it and, by and large I have. We’ve got to know each other more and discovered more in common. He’s remained in touch, initiating a lot of messages. He keeps me in the loop about what’s happening with the divorce, but it’s not detailed and he does not lean on me emotionally over it. Sometimes we’ll chat all week and then go a week or so with a break. Other times we’ve had a streak of chatting consistently for weeks. Sometimes he flirts but it’s never inappropriate or too obvious. He does pull back if he’s had contact with his ex over the divorce, or had some dealings with the divorce stuff, so it can be a bit hot and cold. I don’t think he sees me as his friend, and it’s a way to keep me around, of course, on a level he can handle. We haven’t seen each other again, because he said he’s not ready. I’ve no idea what he needs to be ready for?
Of course I’ve wondered about being his “backup”. It’s horrible, because I like him so much. Lately I’ve found myself pulling back because I’m confused about what’s right for me. I’ve accepted he can’t give me a relationship, certainly not now, so I’ve been dating again. He seems to message if I’ve been online a lot/using the dating app we met on. He’s looked at my dating profile recently. Yes, he’s got a dating profile, he never actually took it down, so it’s not a new one. I think he goes on there a handful of times a week out of boredom/validation/checking on me.
Sorry for the long post. I’m not looking for
tough love and cliches like “if he wanted to he would”, because I think that’s more than fair when it applies to people who have no good reason to be idiots to others. A divorce is a pretty traumatic thing to go through. He’s about 18 months into his separation, with the divorce set to be finalised in mid autumn. I’m simply wondering whether anyone has positive stories of rekindling things when a complication like a divorce is done? Or is it inevitable I’ll need to cut ties and move on? I know he has feelings for me, and isn’t letting go of me. I just wish he could step up and be with me at some point 🙁