My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years. Before that we were friends for 16 years. I am currently 10 weeks pregnant (my 2nd, his 1st).
We tried for this baby for 9 months.
unfortunately, after nearly 18 years, I don’t even feel like I know him anymore. I feel like I am pregnant with a strangers child. (On his part, not the babies, I WANT this baby, that’s not in question).
this pregnancy has been brutal for the whole 10 weeks so far. I’ve been coming off 2 types of medication with horrific withdrawals and rebound, constant morning sickness, hormones from hell (I have hormone issues anyway which he’s very aware of), prenatal depression and anxiety, huge amount of stress from taking the father of my first child to court through all this (to keep my son safe), someone hacking into my PayPal and taking money, my sons Nan being diagnosed with terminal cancer, struggling to eat and sleep (I’ve actually lost weight), to name a few of the things making it difficult.
obviously having quit smoking and drinking, strips me of (unhealthy, I know) coping mechanisms I’d usually turn to when stress is particularly high.
parenting my first child too.
it’s just really, really hard. I’m so tired.
4/5 days after I found I was pregnant, I was sitting in the car with my boyfriend, crying hysterically, just begging for a hug. Begging him to show he cared, he was just cold. I haven’t had to beg for comfort for 16 years before that, it was just there, he was just a really good, super supportive friend.
it’s only gotten worse from there. I’ve told him numerous times, I’m scared I’m not going to survive this. The depression really takes over sometimes and I just can’t see the end. I would sit there and cry for hours and he would just completely ignore me as if I wasn’t there. No matter how much of a state I’m in, how desperately I tell him I need him, he’ll still just go fishing. After a meds drop, I was a total mess, telling him I didn’t know how I was going to manage this, he went out for 13 hours and didn’t even check in. Not a single text. Didn’t tell me when he was coming home, nothing. I told him it hurt me before he left, I told him when he got back. His response was “aw. Well, I saw a baby monk jack”. And that was it.
sorry I’m really blabbering here and not making much sense. This is too long already, I’ll try to summarise. It’s things like this all the time. He just keeps leaving me in a state, then acts like it’s nothing. Consistently. He’s snapped at me or ignored me more in the past 10 weeks than he has in 17 years.
i get that it’s stressful for him too, I do. But he tells me and everyone else he’s totally fine. It’s like he doesn’t even notice what a mess its become.
one time, I was happy. I discovered we could find out the gender of the baby early with a blood test and I found that exciting because everything else felt so awful. He just snapped at me and told me he was busy and to leave him alone (he was washing up). Bearing in mind he knows I had a terrible experience with my first pregnancy and this will be my last due to hormones problems, this crushed me. It was like a switch flipped. It was one thing to be distant and cold when I was falling apart but to be like that when I’m finally happy about something.. changed something in the way I see him ne feel for him. Am I crazy? Dramatic? He drilled it in to me how much of a better experience this pregnancy would be than my first.. so far, it’s very familiar.
thank you if you got this far, I know it’s so long and doesn’t explain things well, feel free to ask questions.
i feel so guilty for feeling differently towards him now.