Separating when you still love the person

[Kbrjdjsj]

I’m hoping for some advice from people who have been in a similar situation where they still love their partner but know that they need to separate.

Will try to keep it brief but DH and I have been together a long time, and now have young DC. We’ve had various ups and downs; we’re very different and it causes issues. We’ve not had the easiest few years due to events outside of our control.

When I met him he liked going out and we both used to go out a lot. When we had DC I reduced my drinking and I’m always the responsible one now. His drinking has never reduced and if anything got worse. Several times I’ve asked him to address it and he hasn’t really and now tries to hide it if he’s a bit drunk and will hide how much he’s had. I accept that when he goes out he’ll drink a lot but when at home I asked him not to get drunk all the time yet it keeps happening. I’ve been up front about not wanting to stay with him like this but he keeps on so it feels to me that either drinking is more important than us or he has a dependency that he won’t address.
I don’t want a future like this, I don’t want my children to see their dad like this and I don’t know how to get him to change. But I do really love him and sober him is my favourite person.

unfortunately you need to decide to either accept he isn’t going to change and stay or accept that he isn’t going to change and leave.
either way it isn’t an easy decision.
I separated from my stbxh in 2017 because I had been miserable for years. He knew exactly why I was unhappy but he wasn’t able or willing to change (substance abuse, never showing affection or giving compliments and many other things)
I still love him and it has been hard, but even after losing his family and home he still hasn’t changed.

good luck op

This is really sad. You have to put the children first, so if he's an alcoholic it's best for them that you maintain separate homes and finances. He might get functional now but you cannot risk him dragging you all down.
In the end he has to want you more than he wants to drink! Hopefully this will be the kick he needs to sort himself out and if that happens your separation doesn't have to be permanent.

I gave him an ultimatum and I stuck to it
He'd had issues for years but I stupidly thought he'd grow out of it especially when we had dc
He didn't . He totally shocked me by drinking in the morning while looking after our dc!
Well that was obviously the final straw
Last chance blown

You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it

Therefore you either decide to live with him and his drinking or you ask him to leave. You can’t make another person stop drinking

Thank you everyone; it’s sadly what I know to be true but it helps to hear it from other people
@1dontunderstand can I ask, are you happier for leaving?

@Kbrjdjsj yes I am. We reconciled through lockdown, had lots of discussions about what went wrong and how we could communicate going forward. Unfortunately, the same problems were still there and I filed for divorce earlier this year. It’s a really sad situation because I do still love him and I know he loves me, but I know that staying married to him isn’t good for me.
It Is so hard but I am much happier

i hope it works out for you, whatever you decide