Tell me 'The Script' - what a man often does when you announce divorce.

[AppelFrench]

Posting here for a friend who's getting ever closer to dropping the bomb on her marriage. I warned her there's often a script that plays out to varying degrees with intimidation, hiding assets & suicide threats. So she can be better prepared, what things go on The Script?

Interested in this as going through same thing

When I told my husband I wanted a divorce he laughed, said I couldn't manage without him, he didn't take me seriously, it took me 6 years to get him to agree to it.

And then another 5 years of living apart being separated for the actual divorce to become reality, he delayed and delayed. The suicide threats didn't start until after we separated though.

Why did it take 6yrs @MissSmiley ? My ex refused but the court ploughed on regardless and it was done in 10 months.

I know one thing that belongs on The Script - 'You're not getting anything'

At first they play really nice make you feel like they’re your friend still and that this will be nice, easy and amicable

slowly the narrative will start to change and eventually his story on how your life and marriage have been will be 100% different to how you remember it. Stuff like he never wanted to get married, didn’t want kids, sacrificed xyz, never had time for himself, you were controlling etc

at some point things will start to turn a bit sour. You’ll be painted as unreasonable, crazy, vindictive etc.

on most occasions a new girlfriend will appear very soon after or it will be someone that “you didn’t have to worry about and you were over reacting about” …. Most likely he’ll have told her you’re crazy

I’ve often heard that threats that they will take the kids, tell social services they are unstable due to PND/Depression. I’ve yet to see it actually happen!

It was important to me to stay amicable, I didn't want it to go to court, we agreed everything ourselves eventually, the kids live with me but see him often, the youngest three stay overnight sometimes. I do wonder whether it would have been better to push it through faster against his will.

Yes mine made these threats

Does she have another man? That might be his first response.

Then it could move onto money or threats to kill himself. Are there kids involved? Get ready for emotional blackmail about breaking up the family or telling the kids it's mum's fault if he's an emotionally abusive sort.

Or he might go down the dating and messaging women immediately route in order to see if it pisses off your friend. Does she depend on him for childcare while she works? I would be wary of him using that to inconvenience her.

Is there a joint bank account? I would be braced for him emptying it if he's going to try and punish her.

Having read a few threads on here, what sometimes does happen is that he will clear every single penny out of all joint accounts and bugger off to sleep on a friend's sofa (at least for the first couple of weeks, until he gets some gullible woman to take him in). He will often also take the good car and leave behind the tatty one.

My advice would be to start getting as much paperwork and copies of financial & legal stuff together as soon as possible, and ask a trusted friend to look after it. Even a filing cabinet at work would do in the short term.

She probably also needs to make sure she has an available bolt hole to run to if things get really nasty really quickly.

If there are children involved, then that makes it all the more complicated.

Hi can anybody advise me on what to do.
My marriage has broken down and we have one son. I've been advised to get a soliciter as my husband earns 5,000 a month and I get 1,100 a month.
Everything is in his name everything is paid outright 2 houses all in his name.
He's recommended a mediator but I'm worried that this is not a legally binding document as I don't think he will be fair. He's a narcissistic person.
I have a few savings and I'm wondering weather to just use what I have got and get a solicitor to get my half of financed.
I am willing to share custody. I don't want to even do that. My heart is broken now and I know it's over. But I really don't think he will be fair. He's already called me a gold digger. We've been married for 8 years. I have a solicitor waiting for Me to go ahead if needed. But I'm afraid of the costs mounting up. Do I give him the benefit of the doubt. But I don't trust him at all. He's got things stashed away cash etc... and he could hide all of that in mediation. Please help xx

Most of these aren't men behaviours though, they're cluster b personality disorder behaviours. Not normal for a man to threaten to kill himself if you leave. That's something people with bpd or npd might do. Same thing for threatening to take the children from you.

I do believe there is a script from men who cheat (because they are usually assholes). But I don't believe there is a set script from men who have been told you want a divorce. Any more than we would have a set script if it happened to us.

If you think he may kick off and threaten things like self harm and taking the kids then him or whomever your basing your idea of a man on is not a regular man, but a disordered one. And yes, narcissists and similar do tend to react in certain, similarly scripted ways to any perceived rejection or slights so...

Get as much proof of his earnings and proof of hidden cash as you can and take it to a safe place outwith the home (with family you can trust perhaps?). Leave any important documents there too for safekeeping (eg: your passport and notes of any bills you pay so that you can cancel them easily when required).

File for divorce ASAP. Show them the info on his earnings.Ideally stay in the other house he is not in whilst divorcing.

DO NOT trust him about anything. He us trying to fuck you over, always. Remember that. Go for what you want, do not try to be kind or compromise with him as he will see this as weakness and attack you all the harder.

Get out fast.
Get the divorce rolling fast.
Get what you are due.

Don't engage with him any further once out if the house and the divorce is rolling, simply 'we are divorcing, anything we need to discuss further can be done through our solicitors'.

Found this on a different thread just now...

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script?page=2

Hope it helps, and good luck to your friend.

😂 OMG absolutely almost word for word. As for the new girlfriend, he'd got her waiting in the wings ( 2 of my kids knew about her) as he wanted to put out a public Facebook post announcing our separation so he could then be seen with her. Mine did allow me to petition for Unreasonable behaviour though after him telling my kids I had a mental health disorder. I remember sitting at the dining room table and discussing how amicable it would all be. Lasted all of 2 weeks before he started playing games. Divorce took 4 months. It was him that wanted the divorce but to be fair, we had been talking about it for years but never got round to officially separating. We tried to keep it normal for the kids.