I don't want my friend to make the biggest mistake of her life. Help!

[secular39]

Hello,

So I have this very very good friend who I have known for years. You know one of those friends that they are like your sisters. That's how close we are to each other.

Anyway, she had an Islamic marriage to her current (now) husband. So technically they are not recognised as being married in the U.K.

I've never really liked her boyfriend (now husband). Him and his family have done many awful things to get which I won't go into detail. But they are awful.

The issue now is that she lives with her husband but she is the one who pays the bills, gas and electric, he pays for a bit of the food shopping and her car insurance. The house is in her name (private rented).

Anyway, she wants to get a mortgage and get a house for her, husband and 2 children- and now 3rd child on the way. This is very understandable. However, I strongly advised her against it or to put the mortgage in her name.

Here's why.

Not only does her husband not pay for X Y Z. He had a huge drug addition (I'm not sure if it's an addiction to be honest). But he spends approx a quarter of his wage on drugs (weed and vapes) around £300-400, and the rest on gaming/gadgets which are around £1,000.

My friend said she was happy to pay all the bills as she was hoping he would spend the majority of his wages on clearing his debts but she called me crying, telling me that he is now in 10,000 pounds worth of debt and that he hasn't been clearing his debts as promised. But she then went on to say that she will have to get a mortgage with him as she cannot afford to get a house on her name only and with their combined incomes the mortgage company would give them a mortgage as they won't accept her salary alone. Basically, her husband is very bad with money.

I told her that as much as she wants the house- even when she gets the house, she will have even more problems. I told her that he will be very unlikely to keep up the mortgage payments (as she is relying on him to be paying) and that it would solely be down left to her and that she will feel so stressed, and then god forbid, her house gets repossessed.

I have been there for my friend but, inspiringly, she is very adamant and does not let anyone her away from her decisions. To be honest, she is deeply unhappy in her marriage but is blinded by her love to the husband. I just don't know how to help her.

I doubt they will get a mortgage. You can’t help her, she needs to open her own eyes and that is too hard for some people to do with young children around.

I understand but have no solutions.

Bank will need bank statements
How will the outgoings be explained?
www.onlinemortgageadvisor.co.uk/mortgage-application/mortgage-bank-statements/

Best she stays renting
Until divorced

There's nothing you can do except make sure she's aware of the risks. You can't help her unless she wants help.

I doubt the bank will lend if he has uncleared debt

Not your circus, not your monkeys
She is an adult - you cant control what she does. She is allowed to make bad decisions

She will put all his money into an account once saved. Sorry- she will be getting shared ownership.

If he has £10k of debt and high outgoings the mortgage company presumably won't want to lend to him anyway.

There’s absolutely no way they’re getting a mortgage.

As above....not a chance...

Worry about it when she is actually getting the keys for this supposed house.

They won’t get a mortgage so I wouldn’t worry.

It’s lovely that she has such a nice friend in you but you can’t live her life for her and she has to make her own mistakes. However I agree with other posters I don’t think they’ll get a mortgage it’s so difficult these days so much scrutiny on your outgoings and if he has 10 K of debt that is going to be a big barrier

If he’s got £10,000 of debt, they won’t be getting any sort of mortgage.

She's not married though.

So his debts aren't her debts, thankfully. She can walk away.

It wont be the debt per se that prevents them getting a mortgage, you can have debt and get a mortgage. The bank will look at the proportion of the outgoings to income, whether that debt is going down, what the other liabilities every month is.

Dependent on income she might be successful.

Its only one in number of problems she has by the sounds of it.

Step back. Unless she wants help you can't give it.

The problem is that she asks me 'secular what should I do?'. So I should just say nothing and let it be? Her husband has a huge drug addiction and spends up to around £400 a month and he is practically left with no income. But maybe you are all right. She is an adult and she has to make her own mistakes.

Presumably over the period of this relationship you've mentioned how awful the in laws have been to her, how he appears to be not in her best interests and during trying for the first child you asked 'what the hell are you thinking'

And none of that seems to have made any difference to her choices?

So what is she asking your opinion for?

Is she from an Islamic background herself?

Yes, they are both from Islamic backgrounds. She is not happy at all and she is only 29...

Does she have family, what do they think, was it arranged or supported by them?

It was a love marriage. They were dating in their late teens.

She has family but her husband and his family have prohibited her from seeing her family. She tries to see them behind their back but she tried to avoid it because she knows she will get a huge telling off from the in-laws. Her relationship with her family is strained...

Does she have the intellect and ability to leave him if she wanted?

She could live independently and work, or at the very least go back to her own family if needed?

Tell her the truth, & don't hold back.

Enourage her to ring

Tell her the truth, & don't hold back.
Encourage her to contact Women's Aid.

She is being actively abused by him & his family, & needs to start opening up to her own. If that causes problems - good: it may open her eyes to how bizarre & controlling it is to be forbidden from seeing your own family.

Tell her she won't get a mortgage because he is a financially fucked junkie who is using her for free room & board. And that even if she managed to wanfgle it, he will let her down, the rrepayments wil slide, & the house will get repossessed. Just give it to her with both barrels. Then tell her that you are on her side, but she needs to wake up.