Partner and in laws are driving me mad…

[Stressedmu]

Sorry I’m new to this so I don’t really know the abbreviations

my partner and I have been together 3 years, we have a baby who’s 6 months old and we moved in together 2 months ago before that we’re living with our parents

he has always been a mummy’s boy never cooked cleaned and always just sat on his Xbox now we’ve moved in I obviously expect help from him I’m on maternity leave and alone with baby majority of the time, he works different shifts everyday for example this week has been
M 3-12pm
T 12-9pm
W off
T 7.30am-2pm
F off
S 12-10pm
S 5pm-2am
so he usually has a mix of shifts, but when he’s in the house all he wants to do is sit on his Xbox or switch or his phone, in laws support this and say he works hard which he does so he shouldn’t have to be stressed before or after work doing housework since moving in I have made all the dinners he’s done maybe 4 washings and put the bins out a few times but that’s it

his parents just encourage him and make it worse since he didn’t have to help out in his house, he’s 22 and doesn’t have a clue about running a house, he can be good with the baby at times but I do majority of baths bedtimes mornings nappy changes, I’m just feeling burnt out and exhausted to top it off when he comes in late from work or leaves early for work he wakes me up everytime so I feel like I’m barely sleeping because he is very much a night owl and I love an early night

I’ve always been doing chores around the house in my mums so I’m not sure if it’s his upbringing not doing anything around the place me and his mum tend to clash as well she would tell me I shouldn’t be bottle feeding baby and should be co sleeping I laid him on his stomach for tummy time and she screamed at me because her boys never done that so why should he and what if he suffocates when I’m sitting right next to him

its just becoming a source of stress for me and putting a strain on our relationship, I don’t really know what I’m wanting out of this post maybe just to rant open to any advice pleaseee

Honestly, you will save yourself a lot of grief and a very miserable future if you draw a clear line now.

The expectation should be that everything is shared 50/50, that might change a bit when you are on mat leave as you are around a lot more but him doing nothing is absolutely not on.

Have one clear conversation with him about it and if he doesn't make a massive effort just leave. I guess from his age that you are very young with your whole life ahead of you, you don't need to waste it being trapped in a relationship with a loser man-child.

Also how you arrange your relationship is none of his parents business and getting them involved would be a massive red flag for me.

You need to put your foot down hard, now, or this will never improve. You tell him he’s a father now, and no, he doesn’t just get to work and do fuck all else. Why did he think having a child would create no extra work, is he thick? Same for his enabling parents. Tell them to mind their own business. You are not a fucking skivvy just because you were born female.

Sorry for the late reply, I’ve just turned 21 so I am still young and I’ve always been quite outspoken on what I think is best for baby, doing loads of research etc, we have had a good few talks since and he’s fine for a day or two but after that it’s back as if the conversations never happened at a loss here 🤦🏻‍♀️

He won't change. He has no reason to.

This might be hard to hear but he sounds like he's still too young in the head to be a Dad. I realise that's quite a loaded statement but some young Dads are. My brother was when he became a Dad at 19 and my late husband was really (although he was 29!).
Hopefully he sorts himself out eventually - some do! A friend's daughter's father was an absent father for 2 years then changed full circle and is now fantastic!

It's great that he works but he's 22yrs old and he's playing on the Xbox? Waking you up after you've been caring for your child? Not knowing how to do basic household tasks? It's not the actions of a mature adult.

His mother sounds barking mad as well! I'd be having words with her about needing to back off.

Clearly he has to do more. There is no earthly reason for example he can't do some dinners on the T-W-T. Equally when he starts later in the day plenty of time to do a load of washing and get it out to dry.

Look at his schedule and work out from the times how he can best help.

With a young child it is simply not acceptable to sit playing games all your non-working hours.

On his days off he should be taking the baby out for a couple of hours to give you some time to yourself - I did stuff like supermarket runs, down the the local playground (once they were 2 or so) and even just went and sat in a pub or coffee shop for an hour or two when they were really little.

If he is like this now heaven knows what he will be like in 12 months time when the child will be constantly demanding Mum or Dad's attention

I'm afraid 22 is quite young to take on the responsibilities of fatherhood (I would have been hopeless at that age) and that is driving some of this along with the fact he was coddled at home

One thing you might try and talk to him about is regularising his shift patterns - I assume he is trying to live fairly regular hours - he seems to have a really nasty mix of early starts and late, sometimes really late finishes and this can be very tiring and disorienting particularly as a new parent. Nor in the example you give does he get two days off in a row.

This is not, in any way, excusing his behaviour but I wonder if getting a more regular routine would help with the other issues you have

i think his age has a lot to do with it, all his pals are on the Xbox to 4am so he feels limited when I tell him right it’s time we go to bed around 12pm/1am

I’m back at work now, I’m a carer just part time for the now and it’s 2 13 hour shifts a week that I do which are quite heavy because of understaffing in the home etc

recently found out off my brother that he was live on his Xbox all day when I was at work so I worry how much he has been actually engaging with the baby, he’s 9mo now so is a lot of work at times but I came in one night last week and he was sitting in his high chair miserable in the bedroom while he played his Xbox

He is unable to regulate his shifts at work too I have asked him to find out off his boss but they don’t give out set days everyone has to do a mix of all shifts which isn’t the best he’s a manager in a fast food shop

Just daft things as well like trying to feed our 9mo fish fingers every night he has him and not even trying to include and fruit or veg in his diet at all, I’ve started just batch cooking for the week because I know if I don’t i won’t be coming into a dinner at night 🤦🏻‍♀️