Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OLD - fling turning serious

25 replies

ILoveMyBigTV · 14/07/2022 07:09

I started OLD earlier this year. Came out of a LTR last summer, it didn't end well and I started OLD because I wanted to have some fun dates, nothing serious.

In Feb I met a guy. He was also looking for casual because he was waiting for a work secondment to come up in Australia. He's due to go in September for min 1 year, probably 2.

It's turned into something more serious and now he's talking about not going because he wants to stay with me. I've fallen for him too.

Problem is. I lied about my age. I'm 43 but when I put my true age on OLD I was just getting messages from older, unhealthy looking men who I didn't have anything in common with. I'm pretty fit and active. So I thought, I'll just knock a few years off and say I'm 39 instead of 43 and see if I can find some more active men to date. It worked, as I suddenly started matching with more fit and active men. I didn't think it would be an issue as I wasn't planning on getting involved in anything serious.

The man is 38 and he thinks I'm 39 (but I'm really 43). He doesn't have or want kids. He knows I struggled with infertility and had IVF to conceive DD and it's highly unlikely I'll get pregnant again, even with help.

We get on so well. Same humour, same hobbies. The sex is great, we just seem to fit together. He has asked when he can meet DD. I'm really unsure as I think if I tell him I lied about my age, he will wonder what else I lied about. I haven't lied about anything else.

What do I do? I think I'm going to have to walk away from the whole thing and not let him give up the chance to move to Australia.

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 14/07/2022 07:11

In any other circumstance I think I’d say don’t mention it, as it would just fuck it up and to be honest so many relationships aren’t long ones. However if he is going to potentially change his life for you by turning down the opportunity to work abroad you absolutely need to tell him the truth.

Fabswingers · 14/07/2022 07:15

It’s fine. It’s only been a few months so tell him now before it gets any longer. Start the conversation by promising you haven’t lied about anything else and explain why you did it, which is a reasonable explanation.

GreenManalishi · 14/07/2022 07:17

If he's genuinely into you it won't matter. Tell him. If you stay together you're going to have to be able to be honest with him and be able to broach difficult subjects, the sooner you start the better. If he genuinely likes you, he won't care. If it puts him off, he isn't worth keeping.

Original poster
ILoveMyBigTV · 14/07/2022 07:19

When I was honest about my age on OLD, I found scrolling through my matches so depressing. They were all couch potatoes who seemed to have given up on life. I messaged a few but we just had nothing in common.

Like I said, I was just looking for fun dates and he said from the start that he was looking for casual as he was looking to move abroad. I thought we'd be ideal for each other and could just have a fun few months before he went. Hence not introducing him to DD.

OP posts:
LisaSimpson77 · 14/07/2022 07:26

Just tell him ASAP, in the grand scheme of things it's not a massive lie and has a good reason for behind it.
Given that having children wasn't an issue anyway it won't really affect much.
Don't let it drag on though, come clean!

Ohahjustalittlebit · 14/07/2022 07:28

So just explain it to him like you have explained it to us. Tell him the reasons why you lied on OLD and that you want to clear up anything before you commit to each other. It is really only a number.

Tractorcrisis · 14/07/2022 07:36

Explain it honestly - just like you’ve done here! I would imagine that a very high percentage of OLD profiles shave off a few years.

PinaColadaSunset · 14/07/2022 07:37

Tell him today. If that’s enough for him to change his view of you and end the relationship then it wasn’t for you. Don’t delay.

wordlewordle · 14/07/2022 07:40

43 is really not that far off 39, I really don't think he'll care (and my initial thought would not be what else has been lied about - age is quite a common thing to manipulate on OLD! Who knows, he might be 43 too Grin)

Original poster
ILoveMyBigTV · 14/07/2022 07:51

Ah, you're all making me feel better. I've been overthinking and feeling guilty.

OP posts:
seaUrchinOne · 14/07/2022 07:57

Tell him your age but only introduce your daughter if your're 100% sure he isn't going to Australia.

nellytheelephantscircus · 14/07/2022 08:12

My Tinder match had he was 42 on his profile and not 45 for some reason. He told me when our casual started to become more serious after a few months. It was no biggie and I still tease him about it occasionally 2 years on!

ibelieveinmirrorballs · 14/07/2022 08:37

I think it’s a bit of a cop out to say that’s why you changed your age - I’m 52 and yes, you get a fair few unhealthy looking men but I haven’t struggled (with enough swiping!) to find super fit partners of my age and younger, with whom to connect - and have never felt tempted to lie about my age. I do get it, I really do, but it’s just not true to say you ‘needed’ to do it to be successful. I’m also not saying that as some sort of badge of honour, I’m fit/healthy/attractive but not some sort of model type!

I would come clean and I’m sure if he’s into you - and you can say this is the only ‘massaging of the facts’ you’ve done, he’ll be fine about it. Good luck 🤞🏼

Edwardoo · 14/07/2022 08:41

It's not a big deal just tell him now. There are far worse lies.

Edwardoo · 14/07/2022 08:43

I don't think you owe honesty to a casual shag unless it's about being married or having an STD. If she lied about her age to get into an age restricted internship for example or on official documents it's a different story. And saying 39 when you are 43 isn't like being 50 and saying you're 39.

Opentooffers · 14/07/2022 09:16

I did the same for the same reasons when I was 40, just knocked it down to 38 and hey presto! Fitter men. No judgement, you have to get your foot in the door somehow. I did however, tell them on the first date. None seemed bothered, what's in a few years? He might raise an eyebrow after all this time, but I doubt he'll do an about turn over a 4 year age gap.

Original poster
ILoveMyBigTV · 14/07/2022 09:22

ibelieveinmirrorballs · 14/07/2022 08:37

I think it’s a bit of a cop out to say that’s why you changed your age - I’m 52 and yes, you get a fair few unhealthy looking men but I haven’t struggled (with enough swiping!) to find super fit partners of my age and younger, with whom to connect - and have never felt tempted to lie about my age. I do get it, I really do, but it’s just not true to say you ‘needed’ to do it to be successful. I’m also not saying that as some sort of badge of honour, I’m fit/healthy/attractive but not some sort of model type!

I would come clean and I’m sure if he’s into you - and you can say this is the only ‘massaging of the facts’ you’ve done, he’ll be fine about it. Good luck 🤞🏼

In my area, it is true that all the men over 45 were unhealthy couch potatoes. I was on there for 2 months at my real age. It's the first time I've tried OLD. It was totally depressing, as I'd rather be single than end up being a nurse maid for someone with obesity / smoking / drinking related issues. To be frank, as I'm really active and enjoy sports, I'm not going to get on with an unhealthy couch potato but each to their own.

OP posts:
Musttryharder2021 · 14/07/2022 13:27

I'd be more concerned about the comment "not wanting children". Men very often change their mind in due course when they realise they'd actually like a family of their own.. What makes you think what he says now is what will be the case in 5-10 years ' time?

ibelieveinmirrorballs · 14/07/2022 14:22

ILoveMyBigTV · 14/07/2022 09:22

In my area, it is true that all the men over 45 were unhealthy couch potatoes. I was on there for 2 months at my real age. It's the first time I've tried OLD. It was totally depressing, as I'd rather be single than end up being a nurse maid for someone with obesity / smoking / drinking related issues. To be frank, as I'm really active and enjoy sports, I'm not going to get on with an unhealthy couch potato but each to their own.

Show quote history

Believe me, I know what you’re saying.. same in my area too - although plenty of fit men under 45 matched with me (I live in the arse end of nowhere) despite my being 52.

It simply isn’t true that changing your age by four years takes you from 100% unhealthy old couch potatoes to plenty of healthy younger types. My current partner is a 47 year old ultra runner - I think Tinder isn’t the best app if you don’t live in or near a big city/town but there are plenty of others to look at. Tinder tends to be the first app people look to when starting OLD and frankly I found it massively depressing overall and quickly moved away from it. So “each to their own”, yes, and my “own” would be not to lie, specifically to avoid the situation you now find yourself in.

Original poster
ILoveMyBigTV · 14/07/2022 14:49

It simply isn’t true that changing your age by four years takes you from 100% unhealthy old couch potatoes to plenty of healthy younger types.

Well it did in my case.

OP posts:
Original poster
ILoveMyBigTV · 14/07/2022 14:50

I think Tinder isn’t the best app if you don’t live in or near a big city/town but there are plenty of others to look at. Tinder tends to be the first app people look to when starting OLD and frankly I found it massively depressing overall and quickly moved away from it.

Not sure why you are referencing Tinder?
I've never tried Tinder personally. Sorry you had a bad time on it.

OP posts:
ibelieveinmirrorballs · 14/07/2022 14:56

ILoveMyBigTV · 14/07/2022 14:50

I think Tinder isn’t the best app if you don’t live in or near a big city/town but there are plenty of others to look at. Tinder tends to be the first app people look to when starting OLD and frankly I found it massively depressing overall and quickly moved away from it.

Not sure why you are referencing Tinder?
I've never tried Tinder personally. Sorry you had a bad time on it.

I’m equally sorry you had to lie to find any good matches.

Original poster
ILoveMyBigTV · 14/07/2022 15:02

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

Have you joined the thread just to be nasty?

OP posts:
ibelieveinmirrorballs · 14/07/2022 17:03

No - I joined the thread gently challenging you on the need to lie and wished you luck.

You are clearly defensive about your choice to lie - suggesting that any woman of your age looking on the same app in the same location must have low standards and be happy matching with old couch potatoes: “each to their own but I’m really fit and it’s not for me” etc. Your defensiveness on this shines through in your posts which in turn has caused you to be snippy to me, with me being snippy in kind.

ZaraSizeMedium · 14/07/2022 17:25

You need to come clean about lying on your profile asap, before he meets your DD and before he gives up his opportunity to go to Australia - as soon as possible really.

Nobody here knows how he'll react.

For some people like PP's your lie would be nothing to them, something they'll joke about now and again in the future.

For others it will be an issue - not even necessarily your real age, but the lie about it. I know a couple of people who, having come out of abusive relationships, wouldn't tolerate even a tiny white lie.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page