No communication in between dates

[lotusblossom1118]

I've been on five dates with a guy I'm interested in getting to know more. We have a nice time together and he has said that he really enjoys spending time with me. We have not been physical yet which is fine with me because I need to build an emotional connection first before sex. He said he's cool with taking our time. Everything in person is great but he does not initiate any contact outside of a date. We've talked on the phone because I asked if I could give him a call and we had an engaging convo the few times we chatted. I guess I'm wondering if this is just his communication style or he's not that interested. I don't need that back and forth all day texting thing but a hey, have a good week seems pretty effortless and worthwhile if you're going to keep seeing someone. Maybe it's a sign that we're just not compatible when it comes to communication preferences or maybe I'm jumping the gun and need to give it more time. IDK.

Like you, I don't need or have time for endless WhatsApp, but a quick text wouldn't be too much of an overhead.

I'd just ask him. maybe he needs a bit of encouragement. Maybe he's worried about being accused of harassment. There aren't many interesting nice men around, so worth investing a little time.

It means he's not that into you. If he were, he'd want to know what you were up to and how you were. That could change with time. But if you need an emotional (two-way) connection with him before sleeping together, it doesn't sound like you're there yet.

I doubt this is going to change, speaking from experience. For whatever reason, he feels when he walks away from a date with you as though he has filled up that particular 'compartment' and has no further need of contact till the next time. Who initiates suggesting the next date? If it's you each time, consider that he may be a people pleaser who finds it hard to say no, rather than being equally invested in this developing into something.

Be very careful getting attached to him at all, because it sounds like an exercise in frustration - I say this very much as someone who has a habit of doing exactly that.

For me the real life stuff is way more important. So if that is going well then I wouldn't worry about the texting. And no one on here from the info you have given can say if he's into you or not.

I would assume he's not that interested in developing a relationship, it may like you enough to date but not much more. Communication in between dates is important for building that emotional connection. Anyone that didn't want to talk to me in between dates would put me off.

I wouldn't be interested in starting a relationship like this. Dates in themselves are nice but I want someone who cares about the mundane stuff in between.

My concern would be how long he expects communication to only be between dates.

My DH is like this. It's just his way, not an indication of interest. But I'm the same so it suits us both fine. We're both autistic though so small talk is alien to us.

Thanks to everyone who replied to my question. I really appreciate outside opinions. I thanked him for his time and fun plans. I explained that for me communication style outside of dates is equally important and that I have a tough time building a connection without some dialogue. He said he's not great with texting. No problem but if someone won't even initiate a phone call then I might as well be single. I wish I could subsist on dates but when you are apart much more than you are together how can a couple build rapport? Second time this has happened and I need to look within why I'm attracting these guys.

Don't give up too quickly, OP. He was honest and said he wasn't into texting -- I don't chat by text either, lots of people don't.

Maybe he's just not into small talk, and you haven't known each other long enough to discuss things more deeply. What about meeting more often? You'll have more to talk about when you know each other better.

I've never quite got the 'not into texting thing'. It wouldn't hurt to text a couple of times a week or voicenote. As a pp pointed out, if he was really into you he'd be interested in what you're up to. It's a difficult one though as 5 dates in suggests a level of interest....definitely give it more time.

From experience, this is a real indicator of what you're going to get going forward. If out of sight, out of mind, because that's what is going on, is not for you then knock it on the head and find someone you're better matched with in terms of communication and save yourself a load of frustration.

It's not hard to send a quick text to someone asking how they are, surely? It sounds like he's not that bothered, or possibly seeing or looking for someone else.

Whatever's going on, it's not making you feel good and the start of a relationship should feel great, not leave you feeling insecure, like you're doing all the running and whether to keep going with it.

I think you'll keep feeling disappointed if you contine with this. I'd put a time limit on things (let him do the chasing and if things haven't improved after x weeks then get rid).

He doesn't sound like he's interested in a relationship with you.
He likes the dates but he's not interested in building a connection, I don't especially like the physical act of texting or voice notes - but I like the way they connect me to my family and friends and how we hold each other in mind.
Generally if someone is starting to feel something for you a 10 second text a few times a week is not a big deal as an absolute minimum.
I wouldn't want to date someone who was closed off to communication - he would probably be closed off to a proper relationship too.
5 dates is quite enough time to know if you're into someone and they are worth making an effort for.

Sorry.

I wish I could subsist on dates but when you are apart much more than you are together how can a couple build rapport? Second time this has happened and I need to look within why I'm attracting these guys.

In my experience, men are a lot less chatty than most women I know. I sympathise, as I really have to work at making small talk in social situations. So I'm always delighted when someone has a hobby or other passion that I can ask them about!

Maybe the men you meet aren't odd, OP, just not chatty. You'd have more to talk about each time you meet as you get to know them better, even if they're not texting a lot in between.

My Father once told me that if a man is interested in a woman he never lets her out of his sight or mind - in other words YOU become that man’s top priority .

Your man here has other priorities - don’t waste your time .

Bit creepy

Old school dad - who knew nothing of thirst nasty narcs around now !

I actually agree with your dad and have male friends also say if they're NT they think about and want to talk to you all the time if interested. He's not bothered. That's worst case. Best case this is just how he is. He'll never make you feel special or enough.

This wouldn't be for me, I like all the chit-chat in between and feeling like I'm on someone's mind. If you think it's worth it, you could let him know and see if he changes, but my experience is this usually happens as the person isn't that into you or thinking about you that much. If you like that style of interaction, fine, but you don't and I wouldn't either, it's not right or wrong but it's obviously not for you.

Indeed - he’s not bothered and OP will observe his pattern and see for herself - but sometimes I do wish we would just say it as it is -

What we have now is women being willing to accept such a low standard of engagement whether it be the type of date, the quality or quantity of contact , the activities, the positive regard - it’s just plain sloppy and smacks of women “being grateful” for any crumb of attention - that’s just appalling .

My father says expect the best that’s what your mother and I want for our girls- it seems if you say this out loud it’s not acceptable / deemed “creepy”

So we now have girls /women accepting appalling behaviour from men and if that continues then nothing will change . We have to set the bar higher .

Where I struggle with setting high standards and expecting the best is that it's so hard to find. It's not just women who are treated as low priority but men also get put through the wringer when it comes to dating. Finding someone who treats you well is far less common than someone who bread crumbs you (from my convos with others and my own personal experience). I can usually identify narcs because they love bomb and idolize you like crazy for about 3 months until the mask comes off. Then you get to the devaluing stage where they start ignoring, gaslighting, belittling and doing other nasty stuff. They're easy to get caught up in because you're so thrilled to have someone really interested after all the scraps you've accepted before.

He may be being honest, he doesn't like texting... so much drama can happen over text as you can take any message a number of different ways , in early dating it's awful !

This - he isn't into texting because texting doesn't involve sex and he doesn't see the point.

I think I'd feel the same way.

I would ask him next time on a date. Just say something like, do you prefer not to text? And see what he says.

But personally, I'd need more contact, and I'd assume if you really like someone, you'd want to make contact. It's a bit weird to me that he's happy to go days without contact.