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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sexless relationships the norm?

44 replies

Yosushi34 · 13/07/2022 23:05

I’ve spoken to around 5 of my close friends over the past year to find that all are in sexless relationships. Some have been together for 8+ years, others only a couple years. All are happy and in love. Mostly in 30s. They are also all busy professionals - could they be too tired to be getting jiggy? Or is rampant sex like in the movies exaggerated?

OP posts:
NinaCosXx · 14/07/2022 05:11

Turns away and makes excuses, he always found me attractive, I know he doesn’t cheat so my head is at a loss 🙄

NinaCosXx · 14/07/2022 05:18

I don’t know how to start one, 😌X

NinaCosXx · 14/07/2022 05:30

Apologies but I posted asking for the sex advice, so I for one being very grateful for the advice xx

PermanentTemporary · 14/07/2022 06:03

That's fine - look up near the top of the screen for the bit that says Talk > Relationships, then look to the right of that to find a little downward arrow. Click on that and choose 'Add thread'

Oblomov22 · 14/07/2022 06:29

Yes it's common to talk about sex, or rather to talk about our marriages, with close friends. So talk about things that are hacking us off, good points, irritating things at work etc. and our Dh's. And mention sex.

NinaCosXx · 14/07/2022 06:31

Thank you x

likeliterally · 14/07/2022 06:49

The average is about once per week.

Ragwort · 14/07/2022 06:53

I am amazed that people talk about their sex lives with their friends ... I haven't talked about my sex life with anyone since I was a teenager!

NinaCosXx · 14/07/2022 06:54

Thank goodness for that insight! I thought I was the only gal having sex every 7 years!😂

YouAreNotBatman · 14/07/2022 07:31

Well I hope so!!

I’d love to be in a relationship, but I don’t want to have sex, so this would be amazing?

But unfortunately it really doesn’t seem to be the case.
Feels like not only do you have to have sex, you have to ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!!!
And be kinky and into bdsm and all that bs.
Sad……

Ginger1982 · 14/07/2022 07:37

It's very individual. DH and I are usually once a week, maybe twice depending on where I am in my cycle as it affects my libido. Luckily we are evenly matched sexually so no-one feels resentful in any way. Completely sexless however, to my mind, is not normal. But, there is more to a relationship than sex.

Pickle991 · 14/07/2022 07:53

In my experience little to no sex in a relationship, especially in 20s, 30s, 40s and excluding babies and illness, is a bad sign.
DH never initiated sex, not for a long time and I wasn’t bothered, thought he also wasn’t bothered, and it was just because we’d been together a long time, but then discovered he was cheating and had been on and off for most of our marriage. And no physical intimacy since I found out for obvious reasons, and it’s been months, so that’s not a great indication of recovery going forward.

I don’t think it’s the amount per se, as that’s personal to everyone, but a total lack of intimacy often reflects other issues in the relationships and then it compounds like a downhill spiral.

likeliterally · 14/07/2022 08:06

The minority has to be the ones that say they have sex 4-7 times per week.

StarlightLady · 14/07/2022 12:22

I'm happy to have sex without a relationship, but I would not accept a relationship without sex. Nor do I think it's the norm.

Jsy7 · 14/07/2022 12:35

I think sex is a dwindling pastime for many people. The stats and reports have highlighted this. I know of a few relationships where sex is very sporadic and it is non existent in one couples relationship that I know. These are all late 40’s and 50’s though. However by that age a lot of people have given up on the dream of romantic love, find their pleasure doing other things and tick along as they have a long shared history and sound financial position as a couple. Sex has never been that important to me and as I am now in my 50’s I can take it or leave it. I would say in 30’s it would be more unusual but it does seem to be the case in many relationships now.

StarlightLady · 14/07/2022 13:11

@Jsy7 - With stats and reports about sex, my answer is always the same. Nobody asked me!

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/07/2022 13:40

These are all late 40’s and 50’s though. However by that age a lot of people have given up on the dream of romantic love, find their pleasure doing other things and tick along

You say “late 40s” as if it’s some kind of aged doldrums where most people are slipping off into comfortable chair, pipe and slippers territory! I’m mid thirties but many of my friends are mid to late 40s to early fifties and I certainly wouldn’t put them anywhere near your description. They’re partying at the weekends and going to festivals and taking mega trips of a lifetime and having a blast with vibrant partners with whom they very much have a sexual and romantic spark. I can’t imagine a single one of them being sexless by choice because they were just happy to tick along with a comfortable partner into dotage.

Virtually everyone I know is childfree though, and has the life to go with it. Maybe that’s the difference: perhaps some people with children
get out of the habit of regular sex, flirting and coupleship with their partner; and then by the time the children are a bit older they’ve drifted so much apart in that sense that they just while away the years as comfortable housemates because they can’t imagine anything different.

MiniTheMinx · 14/07/2022 13:51

I think there is a possibility that sexless relationships or relationships where it is very infrequent will become the norm. Sex sells everything. Its in your face. Only a certain very specific look is sexy. Porn is free and is everywhere. Sex is boring for the most part. Its easy enough to get if you want it. The fact I can have it and I can just open up an app and order it in like a pizza and chuck them back for recycling rather takes the shine off. Then of course one has to be sex ready......shaved, plucked, plumped, sprayed, distorted into a cartoonish version of ultra femininity only to have some porn addled tosser blame you when his limp dick won't work, because its only used to him and his predilection for extremes, of either aesthetic or act. Kink is the new sex, because sex is now so boring. Porn is now so much part of every day life that it is boring too, unless its something new and novel. Its like drinking, it was so much fun before the age of 18, after.....not so much.

I am not of course talking about myself. I'm too old to think that sexless relationships are normal. Being normal, and being the norm are two different things!

Its all very sad. capitalism has high jacked almost all that is good in its pursuit of profits and value. It can not concern itself with just producing "stuff" selling stuff and keeping us busy 9-5. It seeks to expand in time, place, space and create new nodes of exchange where non before existed. It has moved beyond commodity fetishism where the relations between people are obscured to highjacking social production, ie the way in which we inhabit our own selves and relate to others. It produces us, and in so doing so we lose a little bit of our ability to really connect with other people. Whether that be sexually, empathically, spiritually..........and maybe it is for the best, after all we are even losing our ability to communicate effectively and give a stuff about others. I have even read thread after thread telling me its normal for parents to shout and lose their rag at small children, dogs are devils, animals are dirty, parents are a pain, their work mates are shits, their neighbours are nasty and "What about Meeeeeeeeeeeee"

I'm cynical. If people are prepared to vote based of charisma, sit back whilst others freeze, benefit bash the sick or those with disability, and care so little for others, eventually it will start to effect the very way in which we communicate and the degree to which we care, and the way we express ourselves even with those closest to us.

Fifteentoes · 14/07/2022 15:25

There was more sex before porn became prolific.

Evidence?

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