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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need your opinion

18 replies

Wainright · 13/07/2022 22:45

Hi, to cut a long story short, my OH was caught out visiting a female friend without my knowledge. He has always maintained it was to discuss a personal problem, which apparently he could not talk to me about. This was some time ago and there were other things connected to it that would take far too long to write here. One such thing was a supposedly deleted message on a spare phone, but for some reason I was able to see the start of it and then it disappeared. I've always had a gut feeling that it was more than a friendship. Anyway, rightly or wrongly I asked if I could retrieve old messages from this phone and the reaction I got was enough to say to me that there was something I might find, he went absolutely ballistic and took both his phones away to bed with him. Am I in the wrong here? Would this reaction ring alarm bells with you.. Thank you

OP posts:

7eleven · 13/07/2022 22:47

You know the answer to this, of course it’s suspicious.

Original poster

Wainright · 13/07/2022 22:50

7eleven · 13/07/2022 22:47

You know the answer to this, of course it’s suspicious.

I am asking because I need to work out if its me that is being overly sensitive? I have no other way of proving anything to be honest

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 13/07/2022 22:52

Of course you're not overly suspicious! Obviously something is going on and he is doing a really bad job of hiding it.

Original poster

Wainright · 13/07/2022 22:55

HollowTalk · 13/07/2022 22:52

Of course you're not overly suspicious! Obviously something is going on and he is doing a really bad job of hiding it.

I have no proof, but feel like I can't live like this anymore, it's haunting me all the time

OP posts:

IodineQueen · 13/07/2022 22:56

my OH was caught out visiting a female friend without my knowledge.

does he need your permission to visit his friends?

Jellybean23 · 13/07/2022 22:57

If he had nothing to hide , he wouldn't have reacted the way he did. Your request to see the messages is entirely understandable and natural. He's using anger as his defence to deflect you from seeing them. It's very suspicious.

easyday · 13/07/2022 22:57

You don't need proof. You have lost your trust in him. If he is cheating on you then he has lost his love for you. Either you both have an honest conversation and see if there's a way back, or the relationship is over.

Original poster

Wainright · 13/07/2022 23:01

IodineQueen · 13/07/2022 22:56

my OH was caught out visiting a female friend without my knowledge.

does he need your permission to visit his friends?

Not as clear cut as that I'm afraid, he went on numerous occasions and lied about it, is that correct behaviour?

OP posts:

Original poster

Wainright · 13/07/2022 23:03

Jellybean23 · 13/07/2022 22:57

What I actually said was, I need to see the deleted messages, I know that's difficult to do, but the reaction was way over the top

OP posts:

booboo24 · 14/07/2022 12:53

It was suspicious enough already, but if it was innocent he would have handed the phone over and let you retrieve them. His reaction says all you need to know.

pinkyredrose · 14/07/2022 12:55

How would he be if you did what he did?

Bunty55 · 14/07/2022 13:06

If this were me I would want to know why he visited her. My bloke would have already told me what was wrong and this is because we have no secrets, so if she needed help from a friend it would automatically come that he told me even if I was not involved - I would know about it.
This is the wrong bit. Doing something behind your back so that every other little thing you discover is making it all worse

Bunty55 · 14/07/2022 13:08

And... why delete the messages if they were innocent?

Bunty55 · 14/07/2022 13:08

It stinks a bit OP

Lefeutraining · 14/07/2022 13:11

An OTT reaction is sign of guilt.

GreenManalishi · 14/07/2022 13:26

You feel that he's lied to you, you don't trust him...the "truth" of what has happened isn't really the point any more. You get to decide how you feel about the relationship and if it's something you want to pursue. Nobody will come in with a clip board and the answers, and tell you it's shit enough, you've passed the test so you can leave.

Can you leave it alone and move forward until you get some more "proof"? Will you spend all your time looking for confirmation of what you think is/ has been going on? You're kind of stuffed either way at this point, if you demand to see the messages and they aren't there, what does that say about the state of your relationship? If they are there? Sorry, this sounds a bit harsh, but it doesn't sound like you're in a good place either way.

baileys6904 · 14/07/2022 15:00

To be honest, trying to be objective, If went to visit a male friend and my OH started questioning me about it and asking to see my phone, Id lose my rag too. And same for him. Neither of us would need to lie mind because it wouldnt be that much of a big deal. Depends on your relationship I guess

IodineQueen · 14/07/2022 15:38

baileys6904 · 14/07/2022 15:00

I agree. I would not be happy at all, which in the OP’s mind would make me guilty.

Not as clear cut as that I'm afraid, he went on numerous occasions and lied about it, is that correct behaviour?

How do you know this OP?

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