Guilt over ending relationship

[thatssobetty56]

Arghhh…
I divorced my husband after 29 years. Shortly afterwards I joined a dating app and met a lovely man.
We met and we clicked it was perfect. It was only two weeks later that he confesses that he had lied about his age and was in fact 9 years older than me and had been married twice before.
I was annoyed about the age difference as I was looking to date someone nearer my own age (48).
We were together for just over a year. He is such a lovely kind man. However he was very intense from day one. He is also extremely sensitive and hates being on his own. Overthinks, over worries and has had many relationships before me.
I however have three daughters, work two jobs and am renovating my home to sell.
As time went on I realised that I was really happy when I was with him but just didn’t miss him when I wasn’t. He would tell me he was lonely.
He talked about a future together and really loved me, constantly text and told me how wonderful I was.
This weekend when he was at mine he was moaning how he was always on his own (his son had just let him down to meet up)
I just couldn’t handle it and suggested he went home.
I messaged him to say we need a little space to think about what we both want and I’ve not heard from him since.
I feel awful. I never really got over the age lie and now I feel I’ve upset him massively.
My teenage daughters didn’t like him as said he was boring and I could do better.

I just don’t know wether I am a fool to say we need space and should be grateful that he’s so into me, that he is the best I’m going to get or to just follow my gut and know this isn’t for me.

Im worried that I haven’t heard from him at all. Wondering if I should text to see if he’s ok or will that make matters worse.
Feel like the worst person ever

I think you've dodged a bullet here because this man targeted you at your most vulnerable after leaving a long marriage.

There are many red flags about this individual that you either missed or minimised not least of all him lying about his age, his intense nature, his overt neediness and the quick attachment pertaining to a future with you (I think he just wanted some woman to look after him). He love bombed you; this is one indicator of a man who does not and will not have your interests at heart. I would also think that this man has no remorse for his behaviour and lies either.

Do not text this man but instead block and delete. And does your own upset over finding out who he really is does not count?. Why are his needs more important than your own; read about codependency and see how much of this relates to your own behaviour.

Get off the dating apps for now. Love your own self for a change, work out who you really are and raise your boundaries a lot higher going forward.

Reading this article could also help you:

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

You asked for space and he's given it. Men can be very literal in their thinking. Its normal that you will be on an emotional rollercoaster right now, fine one minute and regretful the next. Write down his pros and cons and reflect?

Give it a few days and see how you feel. If you contact him i'm sure he would reply at the very least to be civil. Be careful what your intentions are if you do contact him as he could be hoping to reconcile or be confused. You dont want to have a change dynamic if your not 100% clear on expectations. You might seek closure but you can give this to yourself.

Excellent post and article.

Follow my gut and know this isn’t for me.

That is all you need to know, he isnt for you. Do not waste anymore time on him.

It's very alarming that you didn't dump him after you found out about the lie. Why on earth would you stay with a liar? Why would you bring a man like this into your children's lives?

@Aquamarine1029 your post is harsh but I’m pleased you’ve put it that way.
I left my husband after all those years feeling completely worthless, controlling, a tie, a burden, and plenty of other words that I cannot type.
I was told I would never meet another man.

I was flattered, lonely and had been led to believe I was ugly and pretty useless.
so there is the answer.. I couldn’t believe he would like me.
I have to say I’ve had a lot of psychotherapy this year to teach me my worth.
I was grateful BUT I’ve now grown x

Thank you @Allicando i think deep down I always knew but felt so bloody lonely.
@Fruitandnuts i think you are right.. I can get closure but I’m just scared he will do something silly.
@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you I really hope it’s not true. Will look at article later tonight and come back to you

That article is great thank you Attila. Your posts are always spot on, and you give such thoughtful advice.

It is to your credit indeed that you got away from your abusive husband.

Sadly you went from one abuser to another one, albeit a different man, but abusive all the same. This is a not an uncommon scenario. He further preyed in your loneliness and exploited that.

Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, were further got at by this individual now. I would urge you not to enter into any romantic relationship now until you have further shored up your boundaries and completed the Freedom programme.

I would also suggest you look at and do the Freedom Programme online or preferably in person. This is for those who have been in abusive relationships and it could help you no end. Womens Aid are also well worth talking to.

You are also not responsible for this man in any way.

Put any and all thoughts of the man you met via the dating app out of your head. Such abusive men are also master manipulators and he really reeled you in like a fish on a line. Closure is overrated in such circumstances and you do not owe him anything, let alone a relationship.

If you have never had any counselling to address the abuse you suffered do contact Womens Aid. What happened to you in both your marriage and this new relationship was not your fault, it’s on the men who chose to abuse you.

You feel bad because you think he's vulnerable and needs to be taken care of. He's not a child though.

he confesses that he had lied about his age and was in fact 9 years older than me and had been married twice before

Honestly, this should have been an instant dump. By lying about his age like that, he was panting after some much young than him, seeing what he could get. It mattered not that you might have an issue with this.

The only man that had missed me like mad in the early stages, who made me feel guilty of trying to have any (ANY) time without him was… an abusive controlling jealous man love bombarding me.

You have dodged a bullet, so don’t succumb to the charming stage again, needy people are an absolute burden and end up separating you from other people and things you love.

Thank you all. After reading these comments I can see you are all right. I just couldn’t see it. I hate to say it but he was becoming a burden.
I am free to do what I want after 29 years and I can no longer be a people pleaser.

Glad you've realised that but, tbh, I was surprised that you asked him to give you space at the weekend and then we're upset by Wednesday that he hadn't contacted you.

Either you genuinely wanted space to consider it all or you wanted drama.

He lied to you about who he was thereby removing your agency to decide who you wanted a relationship with/whether you wanted one with him.

And if he does 'something silly' because you don't want a relationship with him, well that's on him. You don't owe him a relationship.

Were not we're. Overzealous autocorrect...

@GreyCarpet morning!
I think I was more concerned about his welfare rather than being upset.
sorry it’s early can you explain this but to me please?

‘He lied to you about who he was thereby removing your agency to decide who you wanted a relationship with/whether you wanted one with him.’

Having a blonde moment…😂

😁 don't worry!

It means that he didn't give you chance to decide whether you wanted to go out with a man 9 years older who had been married twice before. He thought you wouldn't, which is why he lied, and took your choice away until it was a harder decision to make because you were already involved with him.

Having agency just means that you have the right to make informed decisions about your life (and your relationships) rather than have others make them for you because, in this case, they've withheld information that might influence your decision.

In essence, he manipulated you.