Relationship issues - positive stories?

[Pegs11]

Hi, I’ve been having problems in my marriage for years, I constantly feel anxious and like I’m not getting what I need from my husband in terms of emotional support. He is very needy himself, and it can wear me down sometimes. I feel like I shoulder most of the responsibilities in our household and when I get down about things, he’s not always very supportive. In fact he can be quite impatient with me. I just feel like I’m not getting what I need from this and for much of the time I don’t feel very happy.

He is trying to deal with his issues … he’s finally getting therapy after years of being very resistant to it. He also says he has more empathy for me now, as he’s been through a mental breakdown (I’ve had serious MH issues in the past) and also had a physical health problem recently (I had a few years of being very physically unwell) and it’s opened his eyes to my suffering.

But I’m not convinced he can change. I haven’t seen much evidence of it so far. I guess time will tell. I’m pinning my hopes on his therapist helping him.

I just wondered if anyone has been in a similar situation and if anyone has any positive outcomes they can share in terms of things improving with your OH. Please, positive stories only. There are plenty of negative ones on this board for me to read! I want to know if there’s some hope for us.

It's a positive step that he's having therapy. He says he has more empathy for you now, but you say you haven't seen much evidence of change - is that right?

My partner and I are always talking about things and making positive changes here and there; like you I need a lot of emotional support and didn't always feel I was getting it (he's quite different!) and with work and dialogue, we're getting there. I have no doubt that we're staying together so we're committed to this!

Do you and your husband talk about his therapy and about how it can improve his behaviour/attitude?

@PunishmentRoundupWithJoon Thank you for your reply. I’m in the middle of a mental/emotional crisis at the moment and he’s been quite good so far. Just saying he understands and he’s there, and offering to do little errands for me to help in a practical way. That’s all I need. Just a bit of kindness. But it hasn’t been this way in the past. Ever. It’s very early days, he’s only had two therapy sessions so far. And so I don’t trust yet that he’s really changing. Not only are there his personal traumas and hangups to untangle/process, but also it’s how to undo the many years of resentment that has built up, for both of us. And the learned anxiety response.

I am delighted that he’s having therapy at last, and he says he’s finding it beneficial. I just really hope this leads to positive, long-lasting change.

We couldn’t have children of our own and we really want to adopt, but I feel like there’s just too much tension in our relationship at the moment for us to be able to manage that successfully. It makes me sad to think we may never be ready.

Are you content in your relationship now, would you say?

Sorry for the delayed response. It's an interesting question - am I content? Yes, in many ways. The ways in which I'm not content, or at peace, are probably a lot to do with my own psyche. Being an anxious person, a worrier, there always seems to be things to niggle at no matter how well things are going. My partner is the opposite - not an anxious person at all therefore wouldn't naturally have empathy over my concerns. He is, however, intelligent and caring and that goes a long way!

If your husband has only had two therapy sessions, it may be a while before changes start to show. Have you tried couples therapy?

@PunishmentRoundupWithJoon it sounds like you are happy enough for it to be worth staying.

Yes - because in many ways he's the perfect partner for me. I'm uptight and anxious and he's the absolute opposite. He's remarkably patient. No bad temper, not aggressive. The problems arise due to him being TOO laid back at times (in my opinion)!

Have you considered to alternative to staying in the relationship?

@PunishmentRoundupWithJoon I think being with someone who is very different from yourself is often a good thing. You balance each other out, a kind of yin and yang. Having a partner who seems too laid back at times can be frustrating, but if you are an uptight/anxious person, and you are in a relationship with someone who is uptight/anxious too, trust me, it’s a recipe for absolute disaster.

If you are with someone you trust emotionally and who takes care of you and you feel safe with, you are onto a good thing.

As for me, I am going for a temporary split. I need some time alone. I haven’t spent any proper time with myself in years. So the first thing is to reconnect with myself. Then, think about if we can fix the relationship. If we can, it is going to be a long road.