Pregnant by my (ex) DP who moved out 2 weeks ago

[Whataretheodds]

I'm 41. I'd been with my boyfriend for just shy of 2 years. He moved in about 6 months ago and we started trying for a baby. 2 weeks ago he moved out because he said he wasn't ready for a baby and thought we wanted different things generally. I was in bits and had to take a day off work.

I've just found out I'm 2-3w pregnant - must have conceived the day before he moved out.

We were trying earlier in the relationship than we would have done if we'd been 5-10 years younger, but i don't want to get rid of this baby. But I'm really scared now.

I have a decently paid job (though i hate it and am trying to get a transfer), lovely friends (where i live) and family (200 miles away) although i had planned to move out of the city where i live, so I'm really nervous about starting somewhere brand new now.

I'm also really worried that i haven't been looking after myself well enough (in the run-up to pregnancy - since I conceived / he left Ive been super-healthy!) and the embryo won't be healthy.

I know I'm going to need to tell him but I'm not ready yet. Should i tell work given I've been so stressed out?

It depends a lot on what your job is and what your work environment is like. In some jobs it’s important to disclose pregnancy from the get-go so that reasonable adjustments can be made for your safety. At the other end of the scale, many women in jobs that are totally compatible It pregnancy choose to wait as long as possible to announce it.

Wanting to keep this baby is entirely understandable, even moreso given your age and the fact you were trying to concieve.

You should tell your ex, but you don’t have to do that yet. You can give yourself a few days, or a week or two. You could even tell him after the first scan at 12ish weeks when the risk of miscarriage is lower. When he inevitably kicks off you can tell him there was no way you were going to abort a baby you want and you were you know very well he doesn’t want to be a father so you waited until the miscarriage risk had reduced to tell him.

I don't think he will kick off. He knew very well when my most fertile few days were. I think he and his family will want to be supportive. I think he'll be scared, confused, angry with himself (he might lash out at me).

I know it's really really early to tell work but I've been stressed out for months (it's one of the reasons for the break-up, I think) and I would just like to be protected whether the pregnancy is healthy or not.

You can absolutely tell work straight away if you think it will be beneficial for you for things like needing sick leave or time for medical appointments. There aren’t many medical appointments in the first trimester in the UK generally unless you have any issues (like an episode of bleeding - lots of women spot in early pregnancy. It’s not always the beginning of a miscarriage, it can happen in a healthy pregnancy too.) It’s also definitely an option to just tell your line manager + HR and ask that it not be announced to everyone until later in the pregnancy.
It sounds giving yourself just a day or two or a week and then telling your ex might be the way to go. As you’ve said, it shouldn’t be a massive shock since you were actively trying. It’s fine to tell someone who will actually be happy for you first if you like! Just don’t leave a big gap of time between telling your mum/sister/friend and telling your ex so that he hears it from you first.

Thank you.

I've told my friend who is 12 weeks and she is delighted for me.

I'm just worried about the pregnancy itself - apart from feeling teary and emotional i don't feel pregnant. If anything i feel pre-menstrual today, like I'm about to start cramping.

Firstly, congratulations. You'll cope just fine and he'll have to get used to the idea, don't stress about him at all, you're going to be a mother and that's all you need to concern yourself with right now. Tell your employer if its beneficial to you just instruct them that it's not to be public yet. And again, congratulations.

Cramps and bloatedness can be normal in early pregnancy too. Don’t assume it’s not going to work out yet! There’s a calculator somewhere that gives you the odds of healthy pregnancy vs miscarriage day by day - it gets reassuringly less likely as the first trimester progresses.

datayze.com/miscarriage-reassurer
This is the one.
I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you OP.

Thank you so much both