Arguments that cross a line

[Suchsadness]

Does anyone understand when I say that there are 2 types of argument ?
One where it’s very ‘basic’ , about something particular and is not so much warranted but you can understand why each side says and does certain things and you can ‘make up’ or reconcile after at some point.
Another where it’s really one sided turns nasty quickly and lines get crossed and you just know that you won’t ever be able to speak to that person again because what they’ve said was so awful ?

The second happened to me yesterday and I’m still partly in shock I think - even if I got the most grovelling apology I couldn’t forgive or forget the disgusting discriminatory venomous comments. I keep bursting into tears 😭

Not sure if there’s any point to this post I think it’s just my first experience of something like this

Yes I get it. I have no solution or advice though. It sucks when people get that mean. Usually they’re the people who won’t apologise or acknowledge that they were unkind or said something awful and it will all be your fault and you who isn’t talking to them rather than them admitting any blame at all belongs to them.

Words are painful. Some words you will never ever forget.

It's hard to say without knowing more context but I've never remained in a healthy relationship with someone who has said such cruel things to me - my abusive father and my abusive exH. I can be amicable but I won't forget.

I’m just in shock. I keep crying. I’ve never in my life had such awful things said to me o call it an argument it was more like a verbal attack

I could never forgive or forget that. You know as the previous poster says that he will turn this on you and it will be your fault? It's classic.

It’s difficult because people have different ideas about boundaries and what constitutes unacceptable behaviour.

My ex and I disagreed on this point. To him whatever was said in an argument should be forgiven and forgotten when it’s said in anger, whereas to me there are things you just don’t say. Especially when one party has made it clear that certain things are unacceptable and the other keeps saying it.

I eventually ended a 9 year relationship because yet again he said such nasty things in an argument, made me feel unworthy and insecure. Took the piss out of something really hurtful to me, and I realised that I didn’t want to keep living like that.

I’m just shocked that anyone could be so unkind, so personal and so vindictive. I didn’t expect it at all and it’s hit me like a ton of bricks at first I felt numb the more I go over it I think I can’t believe what was said

Some people are mean and they enjoy it. I’m sorry. Leave it with them. Free yourself from it. Do something fun and fabulous for yourself.

So sorry OP. It's awful. It's sounds a bit like they're projecting. Do you want to tell us what happened and we can offer some advice? Xx

It’s a horrible experience but it’s good to know clearly that there is a shocking mismatch in your values.

Don’t overlook it. When someone shows you such an extreme dark side of themselves, it’s not a bizarre aberration that will never occur again. It’s a look at who they really are, a part of themselves that they usually mask because they understand others will be rightly repelled by it.

If you can truly never imagine yourself behaving in the way your partner has done, don’t make a single excuse or rationalization on his behalf, don’t “try to understand” or worry about being “judgemental” or “unkind”. Drop and run now. This is the voice of experience speaking.

It’s not just romantic partners.

I had an argument with my ex-best friend about 6 yrs ago. She said some horrible, unfair and judgemental things - and hand on heart, I never reciprocated or said anything to provoke it.

She may have said those things in the heat of the moment but to me, it revealed what she had truly been thinking. I don’t want to worry about secretly being judged all of the time so I never saw her again after that day.

She never tried to apologise, I don’t even think she realised the impact of her words. But I don’t think there would have been any return anyway.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. That applies for friendships as well as romantic relationships.

Definitely!
My husband did it one time, it must be a year or so ago now, and it utterly killed 20 years of love and respect between us.
He hasn't even noticed I don't think, whereas I have a concrete plan and a timeline planned meticulously for the day I leave him.
I expect eventually he might notice/wonder why we haven't been intimate (or even remotely affectionate other than he tried to kiss me and I turned my cheek a couple of times) for a long time, but I don't care.
He is no longer my soul mate/lover/life partner, he is just the person I share a house with while we finish raising the children (youngest is year 11).

Please do not be taken in by an apology, no matter how sincere it sounds. Because it will happen again and again and again. And each time a little piece of your self esteem will wilt and die. He will not change, no matter how much he promises that he will.

You haven't said who you had the argument with. Is it someone you have to interact with again?

Leave.

I left my dh after 17 years as he kept saying the same negative things any time something came up and it destroyed my self esteem to the point I was an anxious mess and doubted everything about myself.

It has been the hardest thing I've ever done, but I knew that shitty opinion of me wouldn't change.

It was all of course a projection, but he used everything about me to insult me.

It absolutely will not get better.

Why did they say such horrible things? Was it because the argument escalated and degenerated?

You have had a horrible shock, however you can now draw s line, discard his unwanted opinions, move forward and leave the nasty attack behind you (along with whoever said it).

Try and be objective and see if there’s anything he said you agree with and if you want to address this then do so. If it was baseless and plain cruel and designed to hurt then you need to ignore what he said and just head high, shoulders back and feel sorry for such the venomous specimen.