How to break the cycle

[MillyStar9]

I will try and stick to the highlights.
I was with my husband for 15 years, married for 8. He was always angry, moody but I stuck it out. We had a baby, he got physical with me, had an affair and left (child was 1).
Almost straightaway I started seeing someone I knew, very kind, gentle, sweet but emotionally unavailable. He will not commit in anyway. Things began to fall apart as I wanted to live together. 3 years down the line (3 months ago) he had a bereavement (father). Says he can’t handle a relationship but wants to be friends. I have held onto hope. We have no intimacy but spend huge amounts of free time together which is messing with my head.
I know how to spend time with him, I organise things he enjoys. But he has always had one foot out the door of the relationship and now he is presumably happy as anything as he gets my friendship but doesn’t need to commit at all.
Has grief sent him mad?
Why can’t I have some self respect and cut contact?
Why do I choose men who treat me this way and allow it? How do I find some self respect?
I am mid 30s, my father is an addict and my parents split when I was a teenager. I have a serious problem with anxious attachment but I don’t know how to sort this out and make better choices when it comes to men. I am sick of myself but in a relationship I always go for ASD type men, I have to rescue them. Then I am permanently resentful and grumpy, I know I’m doing it but I can’t stop. I really have had enough of myself. Any advice would be so much appreciated.

I made a list, and still do (ongoing) of things people did that made me think 'wow, what an amazing person!'

Once I had a few things to choose from, I picked one or two and started doing them. I gradually became someone I respected. Nobody's messing with that. I've worked hard to be who I am, and nobody will be allowed to treat me badly again.

Work on the shape of your own life first. It's not about relationships. It's about you liking you, and realising that your time is for things you find precious, and not for other people to treat you poorly.

Start your list now. You'll feel better straight away. First step towards becoming a person who makes herself go 'Wow!'

What watchkeys said. But also, make a list of the type of man you would be ideal for you.
Take a whole year out of not dating. It helped me realise that I was ok by myself and made it easier to kick the jerks out of my life.
Oh and you also need to block the ex who is currently flitting in and out of your life. Its not what YOU want. He's lingering...that's always hideous.

I don't know what you mean by 'ASD type men'. But I assume you using it as shorthand for 'twat'. I have several autistic friends and none of them are twats. Nor do they withhold emotionally. Neither do people with ASD need 'rescuing'.

You are currently getting something out of these relationships or you wouldn't be in them. What is it?

Hi Op,
I've just read "women who love too much" and found it really helpful/interesting. I think it might be useful for you too from what you've said. It's all about unhealthy relationship dynamics and women who are always trying to help partners. Gah, it's hard isn't it?

Get therapy and stay single for a few years.

Thank you all so much for replying. I have reserved ‘women who love too much’ at the library.
I am going to stay single and focus on myself and my little one.
I have a great career which I love, it is my personal life and relationships I struggle so much with.
GreyCarpet your reply is fantastic, you’re so right. I am not sure why I have used ASD as an excuse. I do choose horrible, moody men. Such a succinct response and so accurate.