My friend is always "very ill"

[MystikSpiral]

I know I'm going to sound like a cow, but I want to know the best way to deal with this.

My friend, who is a similar age to me (40s) has a tendency to...I don't know what to call it...but perhaps health anxiety or hyperchondria, or just being extremely dramatic about her health in general.

I have known her for about 20 years, and she has always been "very ill" (her words) with something, until the next thing comes along.

When I lived with her as a student she would be incredibly flaky - she would often let you down with plans because she thought she was "coming down with something" although that thing never materialised, and I just assumed it was the excuse she used when she couldn't be arsed.

As far as I'm aware she doesn't have any actual long term health problems (I'm sure I would know if she did!). But little-ish things like dislocating a finger will lead years of drama and inability to do anything because of her hand.

I know things can be more complicated than they seem when it comes to injuries, but there are so many examples of things like this, that she is either the unluckiest woman alive, or there's something else going on.

I have believed and supported her for years, but if anything it is getting worse as she gets older, and it has got to the point where I dread contacting her as there will be some new illness, and more drama, and I don't think I can listen and deal with it any more. I think I have compassion fatigue 😩 I just want to roll my eyes, and I know that's unkind so I'm just avoiding her. I know this is probably a mental health thing, and I need to keep telling myself that it's not her fault. How is best to cope with this please?

My dad is a bit like this but not to the same degree. I get mental health issues can play a part in this but without sounding like a bitch she sounds like an attention seeker and the fact it's been going on so long I couldn't be arsed with that at all. Not everything is about her. 20 years of that? Pffft hell no.

Hi Op, i had a friend like this. I ended the friendship about 5 yrs after 30 yrs. She had "ME" and was never able or well enough to spend any time with me. However, she could spend time with others more local to her and travel to Spain and Mexico each year , every year. Never had flare ups when it was something that suited her or, something that she had paid for. Always fit as a butchers dog when she was on holiday abroad.

I have a similar colleague who suffers from " migraines". She cannot come into work as the "sun is too bright " but can sit in her garden all day relaxing and-"easing her migraine"... 0.5 miles away from our work place, where the sun will likely have have the same rays! Leaving us with unmanageable workloads.

Malingerers, really they are. Attention seekers. Time to move on Op and leave your friend to it. They are massively hindering you.

Um....does she live with her very rich parents perchance?

I had one of these until I had to try and hail a black cab for her, in about -2, while she sat in the restaurant because her knees were hurting so much she couldn't go out and wait for a black cab.

that was the end for me. She was always fine when she wanted to do something. She lost her private healthcare policy because of blatant nonsensical use.

@EmmaH2022 Yes, they always do have "bad knees" and rich parents.

It sounds like health related anxiety. It can flare up at any time and going out etc can make her feel stressed so her head makes her think she is unwell.

I guess you have three options.

1. do nothing. But this probably isn't sustainable as it's getting very annoying for you.

2. back away gently.

3. tell her that you're worried for her. That she seems to always claim she's very ill and you're worried she has bad anxiety. That you'd, respectfully, rather not talk about her "illnesses".

I guess it depends what you want the outcome to be and whether you think she'd listen.

Yes I think this is it. She does genuinely believe she is ill, she isn't faking for attention I don't think.

She doesn't live with rich parents, she has her own place and a job as a HCP believe it or not. Her sick record is absolutely atrocious, but she told me she has kept her job because there is a national shortage of staff and they can't afford to lose her.

It's attention seeking. I had a friend like this, always seriously ill but never anything actually wrong with her. She dramatically dumped me when I was formally diagnosed with a life long disabling condition. She was jealous of my disability and screamed that it wasn't all about me, before stomping off never to be seen again.

Id call her out a bit. See how it goes.

"You're never in full health. Why dont you take up running? / cold showers/ give up wine

Say it in a really supportive way.

Nobody wants to be in poor health for 20+ years, do they realise that's how they're perceived?
/

My M was like that. She lived to be mid 80s so can't have been that ill