Any psychotherapists/ counsellors/ psychologists on here

[peonieprincess]

Or even those who have learned loads about themselves since beginning therapy ?
I ask because I have learned that I am one of those over carers in my relationships.
On paper, it seems that I do this in order to feel validated and then when I don't, I feel angry and taken for granted even though I do all of this of my own free will.
I have been let down by men all my life and my mother too actually.
I was seen as selfish as I wanted to paddle my own canoe and not essentially help to rear my siblings after I'd left home.
For this of you who did over care and then get upset when not validated, how did you overcome this.
How did you or do you learn to value yourself and love yourself enough to care about your partners but not Try to sort their issues through caring for them( despite it not being expected)
How did you step back and gain your own validation?
Thanks for reading .
All thoughts welcome.

Have you read up about the positions on the drama triangle? Many of my clients find it useful

Trained person-centred counsellor here, currently not practising. I traced the roots of my doing it to my childhood, where pleasing my over-critical mother was paramount to family harmony. Took me a long time to work it out. I worked on my self esteem a lot, though I'm still getting there, and if I am putting more effort into friendships etc than I am getting back, I pull back, so I don't feel the imbalance is there iuswim. I got rid of my emotionally and physically abusive husband, and then met a man who loves me to bits, and doesn't play mind games. When I got rid of XH though I risked being on my own forever, and that was preferable to being with him. I interview new friends carefully. Anyone who makes back handed compliments, or slips negatives in doesn't make the final cut. I have no room for that kind of negativity any longer. Have you read anything about the shark cage theory? That's really interesting if you haven't.

Thanks for your responses and recommendations.
I know it comes from a hyper critical
Mother too. Burden of responsibility due to a loveless marriage to an alcoholic father and sibling with special needs.
I did a lot Amd nothing to appease her. She was kind and approving when I did what she asked.. nasty and name calling when I didn't row in with her demands.
Father absent and died young , brother left and got married early, husband ran off with colleague ... there's a pattern here.
I have an amazing partner but I over care And over attend to his needs. He also attends to mine very much but has said that I don't need to feel that I have to be so attentive , yet loves the attention !
I would massage him all day long as I get so much relaxation from it . He feels I'm only doing it to make him happy but it does make me happy !
I could t bear to be massaged myself .
Yet when he does not validate me, I get hurt and angry...
I'm a mess I think

Are you in a position to access counselling? Would help you work through some of it. Ask yourself what self care would look like for you maybe? Currently I'm laid on my bed with candles 🕯 going, and some nice tonic water with ice in a nice glass. Took me a long time to work out how to do nice things for myself...sometimes I look after myself and put my needs above DH. That's OK. Could you do a deal with your dp that one afternoon a week or whatever you did just what would please you? Would that feel OK, and if not, why not?

Hi,

If you are interested in some theory you could google “compulsive caregiving.”

It can happen for variety of reasons but parentification of a child or a child needing to think about a parents needs more than their own are possible paths.

You might also be interested to look up Attachment theory if you don’t know it.

Anxious-preoccupied attachment patterns can be presented with a overwhelming desire to be close to someone but a worry it’s not reciprocated and fear of losing it.

I’m not suggesting you are any of these things as it’s all so complex and nuanced but you could have a google, read through and see if anything clicks for you. Sometimes understanding where things come from helps.

I fully echo previous advice that finding yourself a counsellor or therapist to talk to would the best way of getting some help on figuring out the answers to the questions you asked.

I am just coming to the end of weekly counselling after leaving a co dependant marriage. Me being the giver and him the taker. It goes further back than my marriage, through counselling I've realised it comes from my childhood and constantly living in an atmosphere around my father. I was shown no love from my parents though I am very close to my mother now.

My advice is to just work on yourself. It's hard because you don't know how to do it, you've spent your life caring and giving to others.

Things I have done:

Weekly therapy

Spoke to the gp and went on medication for anxiety.

Joined a woman's charity where I've done courses on going back to work (I'm a carer for my disabled child so been out of work a long time) and mindfulness. Due to start a course on self esteem. These are free. Have a look at what's available.

Worked with woman's aid on a weekly basis.

Went from 0 to 8 tattoos! They all mean something to me and are reminders to never go back

Bought an exercise bike and try to keep fit

Limited my social media

Kept a journal.

Spent ALOT of time crying. I've felt the pain and cried it out. Crying is healing and it does help.

I still struggle and still have a long way to go but my mind is definitely shifting.

Hi OP look up co dependents anonymous - it will help you a lot. It’s called CODA - it’s a 12 step groups that do on line meetings and face to face too.
Ive had lots of therapy and attending a 12 step group of adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families helped me enormously. Good luck.

Thanks for all
Your kind responses

The book 'Codependent No More' by Melody Beattie was useful imv. I had an alcoholic parent. I read the 1992 version - there seems to be a new version from 2018 but I haven't read that.
Another book I found useful was The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. It may not be relevant to your situation but you could probably get it cheaply second hand if you wanted to try it.

I grew up with very emotionally immature parents, 1 step off narcissistic. There was serious (criminal) abuse from one of the siblings towards other siblings that was never dealt with. However that was not the only issue. I was a very compliant child but my mother was very critical and she could be cruel and manipulative. My father was very authoritarian and he could get aggressive and angry with that.

It was a time when women particularly, but men too, were not allowed to have any form of inner world and women were glorified for not have any needs and subsuming their needs for others. My parents were unable to deal with their own emotions and took out frustrations on their children. My elder brothers became narcissistic to varying degrees and my sister and I became very codependent to varying degrees largely caused by growing up in that environment.

What I have done to try to deal with my codependency?

I have done a lot of therapy and reading around these issues.
I have learned about the dynamics at play.
I have allowed myself to have a voice - no one has listened to me within my family because members of my family can’t listen to this type of stuff but I have kept on to my voice.
I have recognised my achievements in recovering from abuse and implementing what I have learned into parenting my own children very differently.
I have gone NC with my family after offering family members every opportunity to deal with the issues in the family. I tried to get them to recognise the issues because my own children were losing out on valuable family connections but ultimately no one was interested in facing up to how damaged the whole thing was and preferred to pretend that my brother was the only problem. I think being around that level of toxicity would seriously have held back any recovery.

I try to focus on not being critical of myself or others as much as possible - just trying to keep a positive mindset, validating my own feelings as being ok, managing my own emotions, being open to criticism from my own children where I get things wrong, I take action whereas before I would have stayed silent, I recognise my own achievements and my worth. It has been a tough process but I really feel like I’ve made massive progress.