Was this a fair reaction?

[Confusedcactus]

A little guidance needed here. A while ago I started chatting to this guy, he seemed really interested and we had lots in common. We made plans to meet up on a specific day (where we'd both have needed to take leave from work) about at 10 days in advance, assumed we'd finalise/arrange finer details nearer the time.
Then suddenly he goes quiet, no chatting, no response. After nearly a week of not hearing from him, I messaged to say 'as I haven't heard from you, I assume our plans are forgotten'. He read this straight away, responding a few hours with 'what are you up to' (don't think he'd ever asked me something so boring previously!). No acknowledgement of what I said. So I asked if he meant to send me that, to which I got nothing.

It started to feel like I was being strung along, and when a man behaves like that I put my guard straight up. So I panicked and sent this;
"I apologise if I've upset you in some way. You've been pretty confusing lately so I've taken it that you changed your mind and weren't brave enough to say, so I'll be cancelling my leave. It was nice chatting with you anyway 🙂".
Do you think this was fair/reasonable? Did he deserve another chance or more time? And have I managed to avoid coming across upset or bitter? Really grateful for thoughts.

Spot on I'd say

Reasonable to cancel leave. But you shouldn't have apologised on your message. You did nothing wrong!

It’s fine - probably slightly more apologetic than I would have been but certainly not offensive or rude.

Thank you.
@SquishyGloopyBum I almost didn't put that, and I wish I hadn't now, as I'm confident I didn't do/say anything rude or upsetting.

What they said ^^

It’s very reasonable. A bit too apologetic. But very civil and clear.

And understandable given his annoying actions and prevarications. He’s being very unfair, messing you about like that.

So had you messaged him during that time and got no response?

@SpinningTheSeedsOfLove it's good to hear that. I did feel like he was being very unfair. I can overthink things and I was worried I'd been unreasonable in my expectations.

It's fine but I'm a meanie and wouldn't have sent anything at all. Wouldn't it be fascinating to know what happened in his mind with this?

That was the perfect response 👏

@chilledbubble I last messaged him on Monday and got no response, so Saturday evening I messaged re. assuming the plans were off

Thank you @IwaswhoIam

@HollyBollyBooBoo yes it would be!! But then maybe I'd rather not know 😞

Thanks for clarifying, in that case your message was perfect but agree you didn't need the apology :) doesn't sound bitter at all, just like you're a busy person who doesn't have free time to waste.

Good for you on setting your boundaries on this, I’d just block him now and move on.

If you don’t, I bet he’ll resurface in a few months and string you along with a similar chat/plans before going quiet again, it’s not worth the bother.

See I would read the 'apology' as more of a passive aggressive/ sarcastic sort of 'fck you' statement rather than a genuine apology and it's something I probably would have said too.

@LoudingVoice I blocked him straight away (partly because I didn't know how he'd respond, and it would've felt even worse if no response st all!). I think that's why I've worried so much about the tone of the message.

@fedup078 admittedly I was/am quite miffed at him, but I genuinely was worried at the time I'd somehow inadvertently caused upset. And I really didn't want it to come across passive aggressive.... tempting though it was!

You probably won’t have ‘upset’ him. He’s probably chatting to someone else and been distracted.

You did what’s right for YOU. And good for you too.

The guilt you're experiencing is common in people who have previously had difficulty in setting boundaries. And that's all you've done.

You don't owe him anything. He didn't apologise for not being in touch did he? He offered no explanation?

Don't apologise for having boundaries. You weren't in a relationship with him, it was someone you'd been messaging and the messages had gone off the boil. Tbh, I wouldn't have replied at all, I'd have just assumed he was no longer interested in meeting and got on with my life and then ignored when he finally got in touch (which they invariably do...)

Why were you so worried about upsetting him? He messed you about. You don’t owe him nice. You come across as being far too concerned about his feelings when he has shown no care for yours. That’s why you were apologising when there was absolutely no need for it. You seem lovely but being excessively keen not to upset someone else (and a stranger, in fact) makes you a bit vulnerable.

Unless you'd said something deliberately upsetting, how could you have upset him?

This.

@Dery @GreyCarpet
This is true and I think something i need to work on.

And that was absolutely bang on about previously having a problem setting boundaries, I almost put it in my OP as it was a big motivation behind sending that final message- I didn't want to leave room for myself to give on my boundaries.

Good for you, OP. It’s very easy for me to say from outside the situation.

From personal experience, I would say that a good way of looking at people-pleasing (which I can still tend to do, especially in a work context) versus boundaries is that people-pleasing means giving your power to someone else in a way that often doesn’t help them either.

In contrast, when you assert boundaries you are looking after both parties: you’re taking responsibility for looking after yourself rather than relying on the other party to look after you. It helps the other party to manage their expectations and removes from them the burden of looking after someone who isn’t looking after themselves. In cancelling the date, you were behaving in a matured, boundaried way which meant you were taking full responsibility for looking after yourself rather than expecting him to do it. That’s how adults should behave. You were too apologetic and concerned about it but that’s a detail that doesn’t matter.

Thank you @Dery , that's actually a really positive way of looking at it. Setting boundaries can be something that causes feelings of guilt, so it's good to remember that it's not just helpful to you, but to others too.

And in this case, it would've been far to easy to potenitally allow his hot and cold behaviour to continue. I'm glad I've shut it down, even if it feels a but disappointing now.