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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Will he ever actually change? Probably already know the answer

26 replies

veggiemonster · 11/07/2022 22:26

Been with DP for nearly five years now, not married but living together. We have been living together for three years.

Around 18 months ago I had a complete mental breakdown, I was based on a covid ward for the entirety of the lockdowns etc. and the hours/sights/emotions were just too much. I have never had mental health issues in the past and found it all really scary in terms of my inability to control my emotions, experiencing psychosis and just really unwell.

During this time DP was not supportive at all. Didn't really have any sympathy (having been a carer for someone with mh issues I tried to keep most of it to myself so as not to burden him) when I did speak up about how I felt, he would actually sometimes just not respond at all.

During this time I continued to do all of the cleaning/cooking/general maintenance of our flat. I really regret doing this now because I feel that I set a precedent for his continued laziness and also it hindered my recovery. None of it was done out of martyrdom, if I didn't do it, it didn't get done and added to the stress and mh issues.

Had a complete meltdown about his lack of household organisation, lack of cleaning, lack of general 'adult' skills and he swore he would change. I said at the time that if it didn't change I wasn't sure we could be together and he said he would start 'doing more'.

Fast forward 18 months we've just had the exact conversation. Nothing about his behaviour has changed and I feel that he was actually even more dismissive of it than last time.

I feel like an absolute mug to be honest. We're not married, no kids. Up until recently I wasn't sure I was too bothered about having a family but now I'm beginning to panic that maybe it is what I want. I just turned 25 and I am not happy with the way my life is at all and I'm beginning to panic seeing all of my friends getting engaged/married etc. although I know that comparison is the thief of joy.

Has anyone had this same issue with their DP/DH and did they ever change? He makes me laugh so much, he is my best friend but everything is left to me and I feel as if he has no respect for me at all.

Sorry for the massive post, would really like to hear if anyone else has experienced this, thank you.

OP posts:

FriedTomatoe · 11/07/2022 22:33

Probably not tbh. I'm not saying he'll never do it but he sounds quite immature and could probably do with being on his own, to appreciate what running a household involves. You're still young and have plenty of time to meet someone.

pedropony76 · 11/07/2022 22:33

He won’t change. Someone who’s unable to express compassion/sympathy or simply showing that they give a fuck, will never change. Especially when you’ve already had a conversation, over a year has gone by and they still haven’t made any improvements.

He sounds like my ex who I’ve dropped recently because I don’t have energy for him. I’m 23 and have two kids with him so I’m tied to him forever. You’re 25. No kids together and not married. I’d drop him whilst you can. There’s plenty of men out there that you don’t have to beg to show they care about you.

You had a mental breakdown and he couldn’t even listen to how you were feeling? And he still hasn’t changed? Yeah bye to him

Whatshallidolottie · 11/07/2022 22:36

You’re so young!! Whole life ahead of you.

Ditch him OP. He will never take care of you.

Do you have family you can stay with?

Original poster

veggiemonster · 11/07/2022 22:38

Thank you for the replies.

I feel like such an idiot because he has always been like this. I think because of how the last few years have been I've just got on with it.

I would miss him so, so terribly but I just don't think he will change. It makes me so sad.

OP posts:

Original poster

veggiemonster · 11/07/2022 22:40

Whatshallidolottie · 11/07/2022 22:36

You’re so young!! Whole life ahead of you.

Ditch him OP. He will never take care of you.

Do you have family you can stay with?

I live several hours away from my family sadly. I've been thinking of staying in a hotel for a few nights to get away but it's not a long term solution.

I have to stay here for my job, also.

OP posts:

DelphiniumBlue · 11/07/2022 22:41

Imagine all this and throwing a baby into the mix, who needs you 24/7 but he's still not pulling his weight. Only then you'll feel trapped.
You've already had 2 major conversations about it. He obviously doesn't think you are serious, and he doesn't care that you are forced to shoulder the entire burden, even though you have spelled it out.
Maybe he's gambling on the fact that you won't leave, or maybe he's not that bothered either way. If he was bothered he would do something about it.
So you may as well leave. You are only 25 , you don't have to put up with this shit. If he's really sorry, he can change. If he doesn't, well, actions speak louder than words.

Original poster

veggiemonster · 11/07/2022 22:42

During our conversation this evening he openly admitted that he sees what needs to be done but 'can't be bothered'.

I really do think that he believes that I will never leave.

It will take great guts from me, to be honest. I find the thought quite daunting but I don't want to live like this forever.

OP posts:

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 11/07/2022 22:48

He won't change, as a rule people don't generally. It's not that change is impossible, it's that it takes a very concerted long term effort, needs to be done deliberately and consciously, is very likely to require outside support and the first step of all of that is him acknowledging his behaviour is the problem. Can you see him doing any of that? Can you see him admitting to the issue of his own free will? This will all get so much worse to deal with if you have children together.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 11/07/2022 22:54

veggiemonster · 11/07/2022 22:42

During our conversation this evening he openly admitted that he sees what needs to be done but 'can't be bothered'.

I really do think that he believes that I will never leave.

It will take great guts from me, to be honest. I find the thought quite daunting but I don't want to live like this forever.

That's not really enough is it? He's not prepared to be a responsible adult and him wanting to get out of contributing round the house is more important to him then your MH. He doesn't care enough. If he doesn't want to change then there's zero chance he will.

biggirlknickers · 11/07/2022 22:55

He can’t be bothered to do any tasks because he knows you will do it and he doesn’t care about you.

He didn’t support you when you had your MH issue because he is useless and he doesn’t care about you.

He doesn’t believe you will leave because he thinks you are weak and he doesn’t respect you or care about you.

Surprise him. Show him who you really are. Strong, independent, take no shit.

He really really doesn’t deserve you.

Please please please do not waste another 6 months / year / 10 years or any children on this man.

Triffid1 · 11/07/2022 22:58

He will only change if he wants to. And it doesn't sound like he does. And that's just re the domestic stuff. I think you could do better even he was a domestic god.... someone who doesn't understand and support you while you are dealing with your mental health issues is bad enough, but during a pandemic when a lot of people suffered and where the issues were hugely visible... he's a plonker.

goody2shooz · 11/07/2022 23:00

@veggiemonster WoW! He actually admitted he sees what needs doing ‘but CANT BE BOTHERED’??!! What a pos. So basically, he is a lazy sod who doesn’t care that he dumps his share of the load on you. Not the action of someone who loves you. And sorry to say it, but he doesn’t love you. You are a convenience, a domestic appliance, a skivvy. You’ve been with him too long. You are young and your whole life is ahead of you, you have a job, so please make the most of your life and leave him. Yes, you’ll feel awful for s while but you will get over it and on to a much better life .

goody2shooz · 11/07/2022 23:02

Sorry posted too soon - but you deserve SO MUCH BETTER THSN HIM! He makes you laugh, but he also makes you very unhappy. This isn’t a fair partnership, you’d never treat him as he’s treating you.

LooseGoose22 · 11/07/2022 23:07

You just turned 25?

You are so fkg young.

I'd advise you tk get out even if you were older but ffs ...

And yeah, parenthood would be a nightmare with someone like him.

LooseGoose22 · 11/07/2022 23:10

Oh and not to sound cold, but all those feelings of history, familiarity, habit etc you have with him; you'll get with someone else, it's just time together.

nbrown2022x · 11/07/2022 23:20

I was in the exact same relationship that you are in now. Had a complete breakdown over our future and kids. I was hysterical and lost my mind. I knew there and then it was over. He wouldn't change. He had ample opportunity. Now 4 years later in the happiest relationship with a new baby! Go and enjoy your life and ... have my first LTB🤣 xxx

Pixiedust1234 · 11/07/2022 23:30

They don't change. Ever. The only change is you slowly getting ground down until you either leave or die. The vast majority of mn won't let you die so your only viable option left is for you to start planning on freedom. You do everything anyway so it won't be that different. I have been with someone like your dp for 30 years, its nearly killed me. Literally. Please don't be me.

mindutopia · 11/07/2022 23:32

To be fair, you’ve been together from 20-25. You’re both (I assume?) pretty young. These are the student years when many people are living in grimy flat shares. Will he be different in terms of household tasks at 30, 35, 40? Probably. Most of us were pretty slovenly in our early 20s, but most people probably aren’t living with a long term partner at that age. Dh and I were both pretty lacking in housekeeping skills in our early 20s. We’re in our early 40s now and manage just fine.

BUT not being there to support you when you’re struggling and being dismissive of your needs is something else. That’s not going to get better. You’re only 25. Most people haven’t even met their long term partners by then. The ones I know who did get married by 25 are almost all divorced now. You have so much life ahead of you. No need to settle for someone who doesn’t make you a priority.

MissCrowley · 12/07/2022 07:16

Get rid my love, otherwise you'll be forever living with an insensitive man child.
I had a breakdown just before christmas. My DP looked after both kids for a month and did everything as I couldn't move from my bedroom. It was absolutely horrendous and I wouldn't wish it on anybody.
I think I only got better because he took the burdens from me. By the end of the month though after working a hard job full time he looked on the verge so I had to snap myself out of it- I can't take meds so it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm still extremely fragile now but getting there.

But yes, you're only 25, I met my DP at 28. Just because you're together now doesn't mean you have to stay together forever.

Original poster

veggiemonster · 12/07/2022 07:27

Thank you all so much for the responses, it's really, really helped to strengthen my nerve thank you.

You're all right, he clearly sees me as the comfortable option and probably does think I'm weak.

OP posts:

Borgonzola · 12/07/2022 07:31

I left someone at 25 because he was incapable of looking after himself/housework (he was over 30). I thought I was ancient but now at 33 I look back and see only wasted time. He promptly replaced me with another woman, presumably to take over as his skivvy.

You're not old, you don't deserve this, you have to give yourself more. Well done for everything you did during covid. Chuck him out and start living.

XmasElf10 · 12/07/2022 07:36

He won’t change, mine didn’t… was tough to divorce him after 14 years and with a 7yr old DD… so wish I’d done it sooner!

blackgreywhite · 12/07/2022 23:26

The amazing thing is you are only 25.

Most of us have wasted a few years with a loser, honestly don't worry about it.

At 25 (and I know you don't feel it) you have the world at your feet.
Be happy the scales have fallen from your eyes, Chuck this one back in the sea and go out there and find someone great!

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 12/07/2022 23:37

What I regret about living with a man like this for 18 years is that I wasted some of the best years of my life doing and organising things.
No they never change and as you can see he doesn't even care any more.
Get rid of this prick before he wastes half of your life too.

goody2shooz · 28/12/2023 13:10

How’s it going @veggiemonster ? Are you living your best life yet?!

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